Your prayers worked!

My teacher was super cool with me missing two classes. In fact, he didn't even ask why. So I'm freaking STOKED to say that I'm gonna train next month to be a volunteer at the CWCIC! This is awesome. I'm extremely excited - in case you couldn't tell.

I slept through class today. Ugh. We were going to hear from a guest speaker about Trolly Square. He orchestrated police operations. It was gonna be awesome. And he probably knows my forensic science investigations teacher!

So I'm a little sad. Very frustrated with myself.

But I also splurged on a mall trip yesterday. I don't go to the mall, but I had some time before class, so I was like: MALL! I figured I'd get an outfit for Stephen (he really wants me to get into steampunk/goth-ish looks). So I went to Hot Topic.

I forget how much I love Hot Topic. The clothes are okay and all (sometimes very cool), but the staff are my people. Kinda. Bus people are my people, but these people are very kind and I like them. I get good nostalgia going there. Anyway, I saw some cute things here and there, but then I saw this dress and I HAD to have it. Preferably, it would've been an XXL, but they only had XL. I tried it on anyway. It's a little tight in a place I wouldn't like it to be tight at, but otherwise I love it. I felt good in that dress.

It's like What Not to Wear when you come out and Stacey and Clinton are all happy for you and you feel great. That's how I felt. I don't remember clothes ever doing that for me. So this was neat. I got a couple of other things from that store too, but I think I found my style. I think Stephen was right. I like black. It's simple, pretty easy to match, and it hides PKD belly. Not that I really need that now, but maybe someday.

So, I'm looking forward to future mall trips for the first time ever.

Anyway, I feel much better today than I did yesterday. Thank you!

I went to church for the entire thing! So proud. It was quite alright. Almost as soon as I changed out of my clothes, I fell asleep. Now my sleeping schedule is even more messed up, but I guess it was worth it.

My life right now is just a struggle with myself.

I don't have the energy to explain every detail. You've heard it all before. I'm just frustrated with myself and my limitations. I'm frustrated that I don't have as much energy as most people my age. I don't have the resilience or the fortitude. Heck, a new girl in the ward wants to hang out with me on Friday and I'm sitting here crying because I'm so scared. Or maybe because I'm so suspicious as to why a girl like her (pretty and fun) would want to hang out with me? And I feel ridiculous for it.

It's ruining my life. I'm so mad that I've lived 23 years on this planet and what do I have to show for it?! My viola is gone. I have no piano. I have no animals to take care of. I'm unsure if I can even finish school at this point, and it's becoming quite clear I may never hold a steady job. I'm just so done being trapped in this body with this brain!

And I'm sure I missed an appointment with John, but I don't even care. I don't think he, or anyone else for that matter, can help me. I don't think I'll ever get better. I really worry I'm going to waste my entire life suffering by myself.

There is some shred of great news: I contacted a local shelter for women and children in crisis and they're training volunteers next month. I'm really excited for it! I'd miss two sociology classes during the training, but I think it would be SO worth it! Seriously, other than the missed classes, I see no downside and plenty of benefits.

I can do something worthwhile in my life!!!!!!!!! Service!! I can possibly gain experience with victims, I can get a resume booster, internship opportunities, and I can complete an extra credit assignment for my tech class. Who knows what else? How can I turn this down? No way.

So, I'm going to talk to my teacher tonight to see what he thinks. I doubt he'd discourage me from it. His main job is working in juvenile justice. But Imma check anyway.

Pray for me (after you pray for everyone who needs it more).

Restraint

It has taken me a long time to realize this, but my anxiety is the biggest restraint in my life. By far, it's my worst enemy.

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On my last visit with John, as frustrating as it was, there was something he pointed out that I hadn't thought of before. While describing the relief my medication brings (especially as far as the physical symptoms go), I noted that I still struggle with speaking. He asked when that started. 

I honestly don't remember. When I was little, it wasn't a problem. As a teenager, it wasn't a problem - even though I was anxious and depressed then. It was alarming. That just made it real to me that this has only gotten worse. 

I've always worried about things. When I was little, I worried about the weather. I worried so much I watched the weather channel all the time. I was especially worried about tornadoes (in UTAH!). I worried about sleeping on the top level of the house in case of a tornado or fire, but then when I slept in the basement, I worried about earthquakes. I eventually settled for the basement (since that is the last place intruders would look), but I kept my bed in the middle of the room so the walls had less of a chance of crushing me instantly. At least, that's how my brain thought it would go down. 

My worries changed as I got older. I became less neurotic (thinking I was being punished when it was windy and that it would only rain when I made God cry) and more realistic (the gas crisis, impending water wars, nuclear weapons, my health, and global warming) as far as "regular fears" went. 

But most of my fear quickly became socially-centered. I just remember feeling anxious for the first time in late middle school and it never went away. Things quickly became physical. I'd start getting a pounding chest and sweaty palms. Often I'd go home with headaches. For the later years in high school, my throat would close up, making my voice higher. I HATED that!!! Eventually, it got to the point where I could hardly speak at times. I'd start blushing when a teacher called on me - even when I knew what I was talking about!

And those are just the physical symptoms. Even with amazing medication, my anxiety is still to the point where I just don't want to go outside anymore. I missed about a month's worth of school last semester. I still get headaches. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. At least an enemy who has any ambition to function properly in the real world, make and keep any friends, or to have a meaningful job. It's just hard and exhausting. Like you have a unique, interesting, whatever person inside of you and you can't ever let them out. No one can see the real you. You can't even pretend to be a normal person because your body is betraying you.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

I don't know. It's been hard lately. I keep thinking of joining the workforce and I'm actually looking at jobs, but I just can't see myself working at all. Most of the time it's because I'd have to testify in court. Other times because I'd have to deal with people at some point. It's so incredibly scary. I always wanted to be something. I want a job. I want to be a contributor to a better world.

Stephen and I would surely be sealed by now if I wasn't so afraid to go to church. It's not their fault. We're taught to be excited and encouraging when people come to church. So, when I actually do attend, it's always been awhile and everyone wants to fellowship us and everything. I feel pressure to do normal-people things like hanging out, chatting, talking about weeks, and having conversations that don't suck. It's hard.

And very recently I've thought of becoming an EMT again. I've visited this idea many times along the road as a complimentary or sole profession. I've just always dismissed it because...people. But I love people. I want to help. I especially am drawn to natural disasters. I'm a hands-on learner. I can eventually do death investigation with it. It's perfect!....except people. 

I want to be sealed. I want to have a stable job that I love and that makes a difference. 

I can't do that by running away. If it takes trying every dang medication, I'll grumpily go along with it because I deserve to be happy, if only while I'm healthy enough to work. Church will start in 2 hours. I'm going to be there. I'm going to be there for as much as I can stay awake for.

My viola

I'm feeling sentimental about my viola for some reason (maybe because I'm listening to some viola-heavy Shostakovich), so I'm going to tell you the story of my viola.

It started in 6th grade. At my elementary school, everyone was to play an instrument in either band, orchestra, or choir. I'd always fancied playing the fiddle - back when I thought the fiddle was it's own instrument and not a style of music. So, when this opportunity arrived, I signed up for orchestra without hesitation.

On my first day of orchestra, I discovered a friend of mine there, so I sat next to her. The conductor began going down the rows of students, asking which instrument they were going to play. "Violin, violin, violin, cello, violin, cello, violin, etc." Wow. I guess what I wanted was really popular. Then my friend said: "Viola." and I was like what is a viola?! He then called on me and, without thinking, I replied: "Viola."

It was the beginning of a beautiful relationship.

I love the viola. I couldn't have found a better instrument. I'd always naturally picked out the harmonic lines in music anyway. My fingers weren't fast enough, and my music-reading ability not good enough, to play the violin (in fact, it was probably easier for me to read the viola clef -yes, it has it's OWN clef - because I wasn't used to reading the typical clefs). So I'm more than happy I ditched that popsicle stand before I wasted any time in it. Turns out, I had an amazing viola vibrato. The viola was just...magic. I truly enjoyed playing. Orchestra was largely the only class I looked forward to in elementary, middle, and high school (I still loved it in college, but I had other cool classes by then).

The viola was my ticket to social interaction. In fact, it lead me to my most memorable high school experiences and it lead me to my college friends. My very first date was with the 1st chair cellist. I tried out for a very prestigious teacher in Provo, and she accepted me! I learned from other amazing professionals. I recorded. I went to Disneyland and had my first romantic encounter with a boy who is now my husband. I played in the pit orchestra for two different plays in high school. I got to play in the Ephraim community orchestra's Messiah concert. I played the viola in a trio in a college concert. All this and many other things. I just had a blast.

But life happens.

After what happened between me and my husband's ex, it only brought back bad memories and I deteriorated as a player. She married a violist I'd had a long history with. Mostly I just fancied him a lot, but we also played together in orchestra. It would always remind me of them when I picked it up. Like it was poisonous now. What used to bring me joy and relief only brought heartache.

I guess it was good I'd distanced myself from it because, in the winter of 2013, we were flat broke and starving. The rest of my family had fallen on hard times and forget his family, so we had as much help as they could give, but we were hungry a lot.

I made the decision to sell my viola. It was hard even then because I had so much value in it. My viola had scars and dents and I gave her every one of them. There was a story behind each - usually of negligence. But her value was nothing to other people. Those scars and dents and blemishes made her worth, in the end, about $250 or something. We paid at least $2,000 for her when we bought her new when I was 16. In all honesty, she was worth more than $250, even to people who don't care about her. Evah Pirazzi strings, Jade rosin, Kun shoulder rest, unique chin rest, nice tuning pins (on all strings)...she was beautiful!

She deserved better. I miss her. I regret it immensely, but we were fed for another few weeks and I didn't have to have another reminder of the worst event in my life thus far.

I met someone.

Something weird happened today.

Well, a couple of things. Firstly, I volunteered to stay after Criminal Investigations class to grade papers. I'm not sure why. I thought it might be good exercise to speak with people. And if I'm going to be comfortable speaking to anyone, it would be a cop. So I figured T.A.ing would give me that opportunity.

I wasn't sure about it. In fact, I'd walked out of the classroom and came back because I was scared. I had nothing to be scared of. In fact, I met a new friend.

Well, maybe not friend yet, but definitely someone I like.

She also volunteered to T.A. There was a lot to grade, so we were both welcomed. There was another girl in the classroom. As we were getting set up to grade, she fainted. Fell right over onto the ground. I don't remember ever seeing something like that in real life, but my first instinct was to run to her. I had to sequester that, because my cop teacher and the other T.A. (who I would later learn was a paramedic) were already there. Three people seemed like too much.

Anyway, she recovered quickly, and we got onto grading. The other T.A. I will call B. For some absolutely inexplicable reason, I found her extremely easy to talk to. She put me at ease, and I was also able to talk pretty clearly with my teacher. It was amazing to me that I could formulate complete sentences, and I was even audible. She's like a magician. She didn't even say that much either, but she was so open and matter-of-fact. It was nice.

I wish more people were as open as she is.

Anyway, we left the classroom together and I asked her about the other student. They've apparently already divulged to each other that they have PTSD. Apparently, the other student faints often because her anxiety is bad enough to make it so she can't even breathe. My anxiety is BAD, but I can't imagine it making me faint. I guess I've come close, but no way.

We started talking about B's PTSD. She was so open about it. I knew she had it before she told me. She's a veteran, and she was talking about how she had her pills in a Mon-Sun container in her car and she was put in custody for it. *If you didn't know, it's illegal to have pills outside of the prescription bottle in your car.* So...she probably takes a ton of pills to necessitate the need for that container, and she is a female veteran. Hello! A first grader could figure this out.

Anyway, my point is that she's been open about it, but she was talking to me personally about it. Someone she just barely met! She wasn't self-diagnosed, she had not yet used it as an excuse (and I doubt she ever would). I could tell, and I just trust the heck out of her anyway. I don't even know her!

I'm telling you, she's magic! And I hope she never sees this because she will be scared (anyone would), but I really like her. I look forward to seeing her again - as much as you can when you're me.

And my teacher was only a little nerve-wracking. I caught myself inching away when he turned his attention to me. Is it normal to stand really close to someone when you talk to them? I'm not sure, I hope I didn't hurt his feelings. I just...moved away. I'm sure he noticed.

Ahhh...social interaction. 23 years on this earth and it's still a mystery to me.

Dream Interpretation

Because why the heck not?

What I found actually makes a lot of sense.

Orchestra: 

"The complexity and beauty of the orchestra is almost universally appreciated. Even among those who do not like classical music, it is accepted that the orchestra is a very sophisticated musical machine. Dreams of being in the orchestra may reflect the feeling that you are in a place of either harmony, or profound disharmony, in relation to the world. There may be a facet of your life in which you are feeling a tremendous amount of performance anxiety. If the orchestra has a familiar conductor (a co-worker or boss, a family member, an acquaintance, etc.), the relationship between you and the conductor may reveal the area of anxiety."

Dead Kittens:

"If you have a dream in which you see dead kittens it means that you are going to have to worry about your innocence dying. Kittens are known for being the most innocent of all animals. They are nice and clean and they are thought to have no negative emotions (regardless of whether this assumption is true or not at all). This is why they are seen as a symbol of innocence. If you have a dream in which you are surrounded by dead kittens it means that you need to worry about the fact that your innocence is leaving you."
More:http://www.gotohoroscope.com/txt/dream-dictionary-dead-kittens.html

Chasing: 

"Psychologists tend to think that “chase dreams” occur when we are unable to cope with our fears and have trouble facing reality."

More:http://www.gotohoroscope.com/txt/dream-dictionary-dead-cat.html

Befriending an "Enemy": 

To dream of making up with an enemy symbolizes the need to resolve an inner conflict within yourself.

So yeah. I feel surprisingly vulnerable posting these, but they do make sense. And there is nothing to worry about. It seems I can't blame my nightmares on anything but my inability to jive with life. I don't see that changing anytime soon, but maybe now that I acknowledge the issues, my brain will stop sending me messages. Or maybe dream interpretation is for the birds. 

More thoughts

I have SO much. I am going to school, the state is largely paying for it, we just got a big bed (no more falling off the twin!), I live in a very nice apartment complex, I have food, running water, I don't have to worry about money too much, only a couple of medical bills to pay and that's about it.

I really do have so much and I do nothing to earn it.

Makes me feel like an ungrateful slob for not being happier than I am, but I know depression is more than that. Maybe this is God's way of making my life easier. I feel like I already have enough problems with my body and the organs inside of it, why should things outside of it be difficult?

They're not. And I'm so grateful for that. I have a very easy life right now.

I'm still getting nightmares. They just don't seem to stop - no matter what I eat, when I sleep, etc. And they consist of the same things over and over. For instance, my latest dream was, yet again, involving orchestra. Yet again was I in the back of my section. Yet again it involved my orchestra conductor and my husband's ex. Only I don't remember her being in it, it was her husband (which makes sense because I did play in orchestra with him in high school).

This time, I could play beautifully. I had my amazing vibrato and everything else. Everything was just as good as I was at my best. I even played on the way to my chair "warming up" and all. But, when I sat down, although there was music, I couldn't find the right page. I began to panic and asked what piece we were playing. Her husband turned around a little and told me who it was composed by, so I started looking for a name. I couldn't find anything. The orchestra began to play, and I hurriedly checked the other stands' page numbers. I couldn't find it, so I couldn't play most of the piece.

And then there was another dream about kittens and dead kittens and cats and something trying to kill me. The usual.

I don't know what more I can do.