More thoughts

I have SO much. I am going to school, the state is largely paying for it, we just got a big bed (no more falling off the twin!), I live in a very nice apartment complex, I have food, running water, I don't have to worry about money too much, only a couple of medical bills to pay and that's about it.

I really do have so much and I do nothing to earn it.

Makes me feel like an ungrateful slob for not being happier than I am, but I know depression is more than that. Maybe this is God's way of making my life easier. I feel like I already have enough problems with my body and the organs inside of it, why should things outside of it be difficult?

They're not. And I'm so grateful for that. I have a very easy life right now.

I'm still getting nightmares. They just don't seem to stop - no matter what I eat, when I sleep, etc. And they consist of the same things over and over. For instance, my latest dream was, yet again, involving orchestra. Yet again was I in the back of my section. Yet again it involved my orchestra conductor and my husband's ex. Only I don't remember her being in it, it was her husband (which makes sense because I did play in orchestra with him in high school).

This time, I could play beautifully. I had my amazing vibrato and everything else. Everything was just as good as I was at my best. I even played on the way to my chair "warming up" and all. But, when I sat down, although there was music, I couldn't find the right page. I began to panic and asked what piece we were playing. Her husband turned around a little and told me who it was composed by, so I started looking for a name. I couldn't find anything. The orchestra began to play, and I hurriedly checked the other stands' page numbers. I couldn't find it, so I couldn't play most of the piece.

And then there was another dream about kittens and dead kittens and cats and something trying to kill me. The usual.

I don't know what more I can do.