I went to church for the entire thing! So proud. It was quite alright. Almost as soon as I changed out of my clothes, I fell asleep. Now my sleeping schedule is even more messed up, but I guess it was worth it.

My life right now is just a struggle with myself.

I don't have the energy to explain every detail. You've heard it all before. I'm just frustrated with myself and my limitations. I'm frustrated that I don't have as much energy as most people my age. I don't have the resilience or the fortitude. Heck, a new girl in the ward wants to hang out with me on Friday and I'm sitting here crying because I'm so scared. Or maybe because I'm so suspicious as to why a girl like her (pretty and fun) would want to hang out with me? And I feel ridiculous for it.

It's ruining my life. I'm so mad that I've lived 23 years on this planet and what do I have to show for it?! My viola is gone. I have no piano. I have no animals to take care of. I'm unsure if I can even finish school at this point, and it's becoming quite clear I may never hold a steady job. I'm just so done being trapped in this body with this brain!

And I'm sure I missed an appointment with John, but I don't even care. I don't think he, or anyone else for that matter, can help me. I don't think I'll ever get better. I really worry I'm going to waste my entire life suffering by myself.

There is some shred of great news: I contacted a local shelter for women and children in crisis and they're training volunteers next month. I'm really excited for it! I'd miss two sociology classes during the training, but I think it would be SO worth it! Seriously, other than the missed classes, I see no downside and plenty of benefits.

I can do something worthwhile in my life!!!!!!!!! Service!! I can possibly gain experience with victims, I can get a resume booster, internship opportunities, and I can complete an extra credit assignment for my tech class. Who knows what else? How can I turn this down? No way.

So, I'm going to talk to my teacher tonight to see what he thinks. I doubt he'd discourage me from it. His main job is working in juvenile justice. But Imma check anyway.

Pray for me (after you pray for everyone who needs it more).