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On my last visit with John, as frustrating as it was, there was something he pointed out that I hadn't thought of before. While describing the relief my medication brings (especially as far as the physical symptoms go), I noted that I still struggle with speaking. He asked when that started.
I honestly don't remember. When I was little, it wasn't a problem. As a teenager, it wasn't a problem - even though I was anxious and depressed then. It was alarming. That just made it real to me that this has only gotten worse.
I've always worried about things. When I was little, I worried about the weather. I worried so much I watched the weather channel all the time. I was especially worried about tornadoes (in UTAH!). I worried about sleeping on the top level of the house in case of a tornado or fire, but then when I slept in the basement, I worried about earthquakes. I eventually settled for the basement (since that is the last place intruders would look), but I kept my bed in the middle of the room so the walls had less of a chance of crushing me instantly. At least, that's how my brain thought it would go down.
My worries changed as I got older. I became less neurotic (thinking I was being punished when it was windy and that it would only rain when I made God cry) and more realistic (the gas crisis, impending water wars, nuclear weapons, my health, and global warming) as far as "regular fears" went.
But most of my fear quickly became socially-centered. I just remember feeling anxious for the first time in late middle school and it never went away. Things quickly became physical. I'd start getting a pounding chest and sweaty palms. Often I'd go home with headaches. For the later years in high school, my throat would close up, making my voice higher. I HATED that!!! Eventually, it got to the point where I could hardly speak at times. I'd start blushing when a teacher called on me - even when I knew what I was talking about!
And those are just the physical symptoms. Even with amazing medication, my anxiety is still to the point where I just don't want to go outside anymore. I missed about a month's worth of school last semester. I still get headaches. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. At least an enemy who has any ambition to function properly in the real world, make and keep any friends, or to have a meaningful job. It's just hard and exhausting. Like you have a unique, interesting, whatever person inside of you and you can't ever let them out. No one can see the real you. You can't even pretend to be a normal person because your body is betraying you.
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I don't know. It's been hard lately. I keep thinking of joining the workforce and I'm actually looking at jobs, but I just can't see myself working at all. Most of the time it's because I'd have to testify in court. Other times because I'd have to deal with people at some point. It's so incredibly scary. I always wanted to be something. I want a job. I want to be a contributor to a better world.
Stephen and I would surely be sealed by now if I wasn't so afraid to go to church. It's not their fault. We're taught to be excited and encouraging when people come to church. So, when I actually do attend, it's always been awhile and everyone wants to fellowship us and everything. I feel pressure to do normal-people things like hanging out, chatting, talking about weeks, and having conversations that don't suck. It's hard.
And very recently I've thought of becoming an EMT again. I've visited this idea many times along the road as a complimentary or sole profession. I've just always dismissed it because...people. But I love people. I want to help. I especially am drawn to natural disasters. I'm a hands-on learner. I can eventually do death investigation with it. It's perfect!....except people.
I want to be sealed. I want to have a stable job that I love and that makes a difference.
I can't do that by running away. If it takes trying every dang medication, I'll grumpily go along with it because I deserve to be happy, if only while I'm healthy enough to work. Church will start in 2 hours. I'm going to be there. I'm going to be there for as much as I can stay awake for.
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