We're probably annoying.

I was reading my husband's email (a bad habit formed because of a bad experience) recently. There is usually nothing new in there and, if I'm okay with the title and who it's from, I don't read it anyway. This occasion was no exception to the routine.

However, I was bored and I noticed he still had our chats saved, so I took a looksie. After reading only a few conversations, it dawned on me that we're probably one of those really annoying couples. Every other sentence was "I love you SOOO much!" or "I miss you SOOO much!" or some other variation. There were a few "I'm sorry"s because Stephen apologizes needlessly for small mishaps and mine are because I get stern at him sometimes for no reasonable reason.

I thought of how nearly all of my profile pictures on Facebook were of us. It's been that way since...our second month of dating? I was just dead in love with Stephen, and I still am. I still miss him intensely, even when he's only gone for an hour or so. I can't stay mad at him for long - and I'm a pro at that. There isn't much I'd like to "fix" or change about him. I want to have physical contact all the time. I still like to take G-rated showers together when it's possible. I'm just still very much in love.

And I'm thinking that could be really annoying. We've been together for almost 3 years now. I was told I'd eventually "get over" that phase. I see it happening with my friends. Not to assume they're not in love or even just as much in love, they're just not annoying about it. They have their own personalities, their own space, and they have their own Facebook pictures of themselves or friends and family. They can handle being by themselves for 5 seconds. They're adults.

Even though I realize my bond to Stephen may be unhealthily attached or otherwise clingy, I don't want it to change. I love knowing I can count on him for anything. I hope I can give him the supreme joy that he gives so freely to me. I love Stephen to the most obnoxious level ever!

Happily Exhausted

I woke up at about 3am today. This was after sleeping for 12 hours. Before then, I'd been obsessing over some stupid event coming up (maybe, I still have hope that it won't happen). To give some context, I have an irrational fear about everything. It's kinda the point of my mental illness. It usually only goes to the extent of not being able to sleep because I have something scheduled the next day (be it work, school, whatever), I'll occasionally get nightmares, and we can't forget about my signature avoidance.

Today, this event was the only thing on my mind. I'd had a nightmare about it. When I slept again I had nightmares about it. I could hardly sit still and I was ready to throw up. Actually throw up. This is the most severe reaction I remember having (at least when no one was around).

Anyway, when I woke up, I found that I was exhausted...And I love it!

I am just too exhausted to worry about anything, let alone this disastrous event coming up. And now I'm just thinking I'd be a lot less miserable if I didn't care as much about people. Don't get me wrong, you can never care too much about people. But the care I'm talking about is less Mother Theresa and more...I don't even know. I want to know everything about everyone I meet. I want to know their likes, dislikes, dreams, strengths, weaknesses, whatever. I can't stand it when people aren't open to me. It's like rejection. And, even when they are open, I'm not satisfied. I still want to know more. I also hate it when someone lets me in (or is in the process of it) and they just "leave me". Be it geographically, socially, or otherwise, it's also like rejection. To exacerbate this, I don't trust anyone anyway.

And the worst part is that I KNOW that's nuts! I KNOW that's unhealthy and stupid and irrational. Yet I can't stop myself from feeling that way. I just think I'd be happier if I wasn't crazy.

Not the life for me.

As I become even more secluded from society, I think I'm beginning to realize that I'm not happy with the American dream "norm". Most people, it seems, grow up, go to college, work, have/raise kids, and die. Those kids grow up, go to college, work, have/raise kids, and die. And on and on it goes.

It's not a bad life, but sometimes I feel like that's not for me. I've come up with some crazy ideas that might just work for me someday.

Nudist colony: I love being naked! I would like to not have to put clothes on. I just feel sorry for the people who'll have to see me without my clothes on. And I wouldn't want to see most other naked people, but it you can't say it wouldn't be a liberating experience!

Canada: When I didn't realize I had a chronic physical illness, I was upset that this country doesn't have a lot of medical resources for the mentally ill. I have suffered from it since I was about 14 years old. I occasionally thought of moving to Canada and gaining dual residency or something similar. Now that I know I'm ill and this country will continue to fight for whatever nonsense we've had, I like socialized medicine more and more. I'd like to not have to pay more just because of the genes I was born with. *Rant: And goodness, what if I was single? How could I afford my medical bills later when it gets worse and I can't work? That doesn't even make any sense!!! Insurance is only affordable for the people who don't need it. This isn't working.

Back to the Homeland: I've probably gone on and on about my Scottish heritage at one point, but I identify more with my German ancestry from my dad's side. I'm 85% sure I'm at least a quarter German. Either one of these countries could do. I hear people work less in those countries and there is more recycling and they're beautiful anyway.

Anyway, I just think there is more to life than the endless cycle of nonsense. Maybe there is a place where I don't have to feel as out of place.

Update

I'd like to say things have gotten better, but they haven't. Not that they've gotten so much worse, but I feel like I'm decaying. All the blessings I need, I have. I am not going hungry, I'm clothed, I have access to running water and a warm home. It's also been raining, which is amazing.

Despite all these abundant blessings, I feel angry. For some reason, I'm angry and getting more and more depressed and anxious as time goes on. I don't even like to leave the house for fries anymore. I don't want to leave the house, let alone my bed. I can hardly keep the dang house in proper condition. Like, I'm a credit card away from having a hoarder house. I don't go to church because I don't want to see anyone. I don't have a job and I barely make it to my classes (reluctantly, but I have a good time). My personality is changing for the worse and I fear it will be permanent.

I don't mean to complain, but how can I look forward to life when I know what's to come? I have no more direction because I'm terrified I won't be able to work (or at this point, that I'll even want to work anymore). I'm terrified I'll have no choice but to be a stay-at-home-mom or a pain housewife. And what kind of mom could I possibly be with my back? I worry a lot I won't even be able to carry our child. I'm weak, I have no stamina, and my back is...just going to get worse, I suppose.

I'm really miserable, and I feel like I'm going it alone. Like no one I know understands. Yet I'm still expected to do everything a normal person does. Just pretend what is happening to me isn't. I sometimes feel like everyone could care less, which I understand, but it just furthers the isolation. Or maybe they do care, but they know there is nothing they can do so they just ignore it. Or am I becoming hypersensitive?

Anyway, I'm hoping to see a counselor soon, possibly a therapist. Maybe I could get a friend (emotional support animal). I feel like I could really use one of those. I could also use a lifelong vacation to a beach somewhere.

I've done something terrible.

Well, there goes another job. I guess I can try to beef up my arms to sell plasma. Heck, I'd probably earn more that way on average anyway, but I liked that job.

Yes, I quit today. We got a new system - something I'd begged for when I first began at PJ's. It has a really cool biometric fingerprint scanner! Very cool biometric scanner. And the system seems much simpler. However, the callers had no idea we were doing something new, so while I was fumbling around I heard one customer mutter (maybe to a friend) "It's not that difficult...I don't know why it's taking so long." So I said "Sorry, we just got a new system and I'm having a hard time." She said "Oh that's okay!! You're fine!"

Mhm.

I mean, I'm glad she was cool with it because I was taking a long time, but frustrated at myself for pissing off a customer. So I needed help getting used to the system. I actually had no idea we were getting one. Well, the only person who I could get help from was one of my managers. She's a grade A piece of work. She's in her teens, very skilled with pleasing angry customers (so I hear), and she's a smarmy jerk most of the time. At least to people she doesn't like.

Unfortunately, I was one of those. I don't know if it's because I was friends with the guy she dated at work who got fired for it and whom she shortly-afterward dumped (cold). I don't know if it's because I don't like her chronic lying problem or attention-seeking personality, and I just let it show, but she didn't like me. She'd always pick on me. Nobody in the store likes to get the phone or till so, if no one is getting it after a ring or two, she'll tell me to get it. Every. Dang. Time. No matter what I was doing. I honestly tried to be nice to her. I know she has a kidney disease too, so we bonded that way. I bought her painkillers once when I went to pick up Stephen because there wasn't any in the store. Usually I cut people out if I don't like them and that's that. But I felt like I had to get along with her to keep my job.

And I did most of the time. But sometimes I'd talk back to her. Usually after something stupid/mean she'd say to the new people or after one of her frequent, condescending comments. One time, I was being a buttface first, and I'll admit to it. I apologized to her and I thought we were cool.

Anyway, she's the main reason I quit. The straw that broke this cammel's back was that I was having a hard time with the new system. Apparently, on the board all week there was a note telling us to do the training module on the computer. Well, guess who only worked on Monday and Tuesday? Me. Guess who didn't look at the numbers that managers send to other managers, usually? Me. I wasn't aware we were supposed to look at those. I feel like they could've done a WAY better job of getting the word out. Especially since I wasn't the only one.

Well, after helping me a couple of times, my manager (or shift leader?) walked back to the makeline and started bitching to the other two workers (one of whom is also a manager - and a much better one in my opinion) about how it's so weird that "people" are asking her questions about the system when it's been up on the numbers whatever for a whole week. She always does that, too. Talks about workers behind their backs. That's the second time she's done it to me where it's loud enough for me to hear. Maybe I should report that? I dunno. But I told her to knock it off and that I knew it was directed at me and, of course, she said "actually, it wasn't". I don't know who thought an 18 year old manager was a good idea, but it's not. For this very reason.

There were other minor problems though. One is the small issue of all the new people treating me like I'm new. I get it. There are a TON of new people at the store, but I'm clearly not one of them. Especially on the makeline. You can see that I know what I'm doing, so don't tell me what to do when you can't even remember pepperonis on a Supreme!

Another thing was school. I need to do well in school or I'm toast. School is important to me and, lately, my transcript is looking abysmal. I need to focus. I know other people can do both (Heck, my husband is doing both right now, he's my hero!), but I worry I probably can't. And it's not just the time commitment - which actually isn't that much thanks to the flexible scheduling - but I can't sleep knowing I have something to do the next day, even when it's at 5pm. If I do get to sleep, it's light and I have nightmares. Every time.

So yeah, I guess it was bound to happen, but I wish I'd given two weeks notice. I wish I could've done it for just one more month. Heck, 4 more months would've been a year! That would look great on my resume. As of now I'm just panicked that I won't have enough money for the months to come. I hope I can get a job that relates to my career options. I'd like to work at UVU if possible.

Well, cheers.

New school, old major

Life is good again. At least, I feel like my blood is pumping again. I went to my first class at UVU today. My teacher is still in the force and even told us about an arrest he's going to do tonight if everything goes well. That just makes me feel alive. I'm being taught by these people. I'm learning from them about cool stuff!

Like most criminal justices classes, this one is taught by a police officer so it's pretty laid back. It's my type of learning. Concept, discussion, stories. Concept, discussion, stories. Real stories from the field. What better teacher than experience? I love it.

And I think he likes me. I can't keep my trap shut if the teacher asks a question about something I know and no one answers. Since we're a bit shy right now, my mouth is open a lot saying what I think about things. I think that's what he likes about me. Anyway, I came up to him at the end of class doing a really hard job of articulating that I have to ask him to add me to the class. But I finally got the words out and he said: "Oh, absolutely." He seemed happy to add me, which just makes me feel like I belong. Heck, he even made me want to be a cop! He talks to us like we're already in the field. And I guess a lot of the students are. There are a lot of military men in there.

There are 5 girls total. Surprisingly to me, and this might sound bad, but I was one of the less feminine ones! Those were girly girls. Nothing wrong with that, but it's not what I expected at all. One of them doesn't seem that serious about it -texted all during class and left early, so we'll see.

The best part is that Police Field Ops is just one of the classes I'm taking. I'm also in Criminal Profiling - taught by an ex-FBI agent, so that will be super exciting. I'm also taking Crime Scene Investigation Techniques which is different from Intro to forensic science, so that will also be awesome!

I'm so excited. I feel like I'm alive again. Never thought I'd say this, but I'm so happy to be in school!

Update

This sums it up pretty well. It's been hard lately.

http://vpkd.blogspot.com/2014/09/change.html