I'm fine.

I'm sorry for complaining so much.

I can only imagine how annoying it is, and no one needs to hear complaints all day. There is too much negativity in life as it is. So, I'm apologizing right now.

Things are hard sometimes. Most of the time. But that doesn't mean I don't have a WHOLE lot to be grateful for! I found my soulmate so early in life. He's my greatest joy. I get to spend every day with him. I have a largely supportive family. I'm looking forward to volunteering soon. I want to sign up for an ambulance ride-along. I'm in school. I'm gonna get a bunch of animals someday. I'll surround myself with them! I live in a pretty nice apartment and I don't have to worry about money too much, thanks to my husband. We an afford to eat well. We have running water and electricity.

Things are great, I'm just sick. I'm so sick and it's embarrassing to admit that, even though I try to be open about it for the sake of fighting stigmas.

Everyone has their struggles. I'm just not the best at handling mine. Everything will be alright.

Forthcoming

I have to be more forthcoming about my limitations.

I've said it before, but part of the deal with social phobia (according to NIMH) is "having a hard time making and keeping friends". NAMI puts it in a similar way: "An intense fear of social situations that leads to difficulties with personal relationships".

People must think I'm so flake-y. I thought I could do it. A new girl in the ward - very kind and fun by all accounts - has tried to hang out with me twice now. I keep saying yeah, but I freak out last minute. It's not that I'm trying to lie, I'm trying to push myself out of my comfort zone so I can make progress and get over this. I'm trying to please people, perhaps?

And that's why I'm awake at this ungodly hour - about to throw up, headache already in the early stages, close to tears.

I'm so frustrated with myself. And here are the tears.

Everything is a mess. I don't know how else to put it. I'm so frustrated with being controlled by this. By everything. Is it so much to ask to just be myself? It's as normal as breathing for everyone else.

I'm trying to figure out why I'm like this. And I think most of it was physical first and then I just felt more comfortable away from triggers, so I developed an aversion to people. Am I scared of being embarrassed - like most sites suggest/state? I don't think so. I think for me it was just more trying to keep my discomfort from showing. If people are as empathetic as I am, they'll know when I'm uncomfortable. And I think that drives people away. And maybe I'm just tired of that? Maybe I'm completely bonkers.

I don't know why it happens. I don't know why it's STILL so scary for me. I feel so stupid right now. And pathetic. And hopeless. And useless. And horrible. I just ditched someone 6 hours before we were supposed to hang out! How can I do anything like this? How can I be an employee or a mother like this? No freaking way.

Anyway, I figure I should just seem less flake-y and more b*tch-y to people by saying "no" flat out rather than saying yes and then ditching them. This is just wrong and mean.

One more thing...

I feel like I should explain why I'm so happy about volunteer training.

In my special parchment (as I've probably already mentioned a million times) it says basically that service will bring me joy.

That doesn't seem significant unless you read/heard the rest of my special parchment. That was the only mention of joy in the midst of warnings. All these warnings about how many trials I'm going to go through. Trials this, trials that. Three warnings of staying true to the gospel and how that will help me through my trials. The promise (one of the best promises) that Christ will be with me through all trials if I call on Him. What a blessing!

There was also a bit about what I'm going to do in life. Meeting Stephen, becoming a mother (and experiencing the joys and disappointments thereof), working with young women, being sealed. and God knowing me as a "choice and favored daughter" with a "pure heart and steadfastness to the gospel". < You can tell I'm super-proud of/SO happy about that!

Anyway, with ALL of that, the only mention of the word JOY or even happiness without the tagline of something bad, was that I will experience true joy in the service of others.

So this is really big for me. To finally do something worthwhile. To stop focusing on myself and my selfish woes and do something proactive...I'm just ecstatic.

So seriously, thank you for your prayers. It's gonna be amazing!

Your prayers worked!

My teacher was super cool with me missing two classes. In fact, he didn't even ask why. So I'm freaking STOKED to say that I'm gonna train next month to be a volunteer at the CWCIC! This is awesome. I'm extremely excited - in case you couldn't tell.

I slept through class today. Ugh. We were going to hear from a guest speaker about Trolly Square. He orchestrated police operations. It was gonna be awesome. And he probably knows my forensic science investigations teacher!

So I'm a little sad. Very frustrated with myself.

But I also splurged on a mall trip yesterday. I don't go to the mall, but I had some time before class, so I was like: MALL! I figured I'd get an outfit for Stephen (he really wants me to get into steampunk/goth-ish looks). So I went to Hot Topic.

I forget how much I love Hot Topic. The clothes are okay and all (sometimes very cool), but the staff are my people. Kinda. Bus people are my people, but these people are very kind and I like them. I get good nostalgia going there. Anyway, I saw some cute things here and there, but then I saw this dress and I HAD to have it. Preferably, it would've been an XXL, but they only had XL. I tried it on anyway. It's a little tight in a place I wouldn't like it to be tight at, but otherwise I love it. I felt good in that dress.

It's like What Not to Wear when you come out and Stacey and Clinton are all happy for you and you feel great. That's how I felt. I don't remember clothes ever doing that for me. So this was neat. I got a couple of other things from that store too, but I think I found my style. I think Stephen was right. I like black. It's simple, pretty easy to match, and it hides PKD belly. Not that I really need that now, but maybe someday.

So, I'm looking forward to future mall trips for the first time ever.

Anyway, I feel much better today than I did yesterday. Thank you!

I went to church for the entire thing! So proud. It was quite alright. Almost as soon as I changed out of my clothes, I fell asleep. Now my sleeping schedule is even more messed up, but I guess it was worth it.

My life right now is just a struggle with myself.

I don't have the energy to explain every detail. You've heard it all before. I'm just frustrated with myself and my limitations. I'm frustrated that I don't have as much energy as most people my age. I don't have the resilience or the fortitude. Heck, a new girl in the ward wants to hang out with me on Friday and I'm sitting here crying because I'm so scared. Or maybe because I'm so suspicious as to why a girl like her (pretty and fun) would want to hang out with me? And I feel ridiculous for it.

It's ruining my life. I'm so mad that I've lived 23 years on this planet and what do I have to show for it?! My viola is gone. I have no piano. I have no animals to take care of. I'm unsure if I can even finish school at this point, and it's becoming quite clear I may never hold a steady job. I'm just so done being trapped in this body with this brain!

And I'm sure I missed an appointment with John, but I don't even care. I don't think he, or anyone else for that matter, can help me. I don't think I'll ever get better. I really worry I'm going to waste my entire life suffering by myself.

There is some shred of great news: I contacted a local shelter for women and children in crisis and they're training volunteers next month. I'm really excited for it! I'd miss two sociology classes during the training, but I think it would be SO worth it! Seriously, other than the missed classes, I see no downside and plenty of benefits.

I can do something worthwhile in my life!!!!!!!!! Service!! I can possibly gain experience with victims, I can get a resume booster, internship opportunities, and I can complete an extra credit assignment for my tech class. Who knows what else? How can I turn this down? No way.

So, I'm going to talk to my teacher tonight to see what he thinks. I doubt he'd discourage me from it. His main job is working in juvenile justice. But Imma check anyway.

Pray for me (after you pray for everyone who needs it more).

Restraint

It has taken me a long time to realize this, but my anxiety is the biggest restraint in my life. By far, it's my worst enemy.

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On my last visit with John, as frustrating as it was, there was something he pointed out that I hadn't thought of before. While describing the relief my medication brings (especially as far as the physical symptoms go), I noted that I still struggle with speaking. He asked when that started. 

I honestly don't remember. When I was little, it wasn't a problem. As a teenager, it wasn't a problem - even though I was anxious and depressed then. It was alarming. That just made it real to me that this has only gotten worse. 

I've always worried about things. When I was little, I worried about the weather. I worried so much I watched the weather channel all the time. I was especially worried about tornadoes (in UTAH!). I worried about sleeping on the top level of the house in case of a tornado or fire, but then when I slept in the basement, I worried about earthquakes. I eventually settled for the basement (since that is the last place intruders would look), but I kept my bed in the middle of the room so the walls had less of a chance of crushing me instantly. At least, that's how my brain thought it would go down. 

My worries changed as I got older. I became less neurotic (thinking I was being punished when it was windy and that it would only rain when I made God cry) and more realistic (the gas crisis, impending water wars, nuclear weapons, my health, and global warming) as far as "regular fears" went. 

But most of my fear quickly became socially-centered. I just remember feeling anxious for the first time in late middle school and it never went away. Things quickly became physical. I'd start getting a pounding chest and sweaty palms. Often I'd go home with headaches. For the later years in high school, my throat would close up, making my voice higher. I HATED that!!! Eventually, it got to the point where I could hardly speak at times. I'd start blushing when a teacher called on me - even when I knew what I was talking about!

And those are just the physical symptoms. Even with amazing medication, my anxiety is still to the point where I just don't want to go outside anymore. I missed about a month's worth of school last semester. I still get headaches. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. At least an enemy who has any ambition to function properly in the real world, make and keep any friends, or to have a meaningful job. It's just hard and exhausting. Like you have a unique, interesting, whatever person inside of you and you can't ever let them out. No one can see the real you. You can't even pretend to be a normal person because your body is betraying you.

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I don't know. It's been hard lately. I keep thinking of joining the workforce and I'm actually looking at jobs, but I just can't see myself working at all. Most of the time it's because I'd have to testify in court. Other times because I'd have to deal with people at some point. It's so incredibly scary. I always wanted to be something. I want a job. I want to be a contributor to a better world.

Stephen and I would surely be sealed by now if I wasn't so afraid to go to church. It's not their fault. We're taught to be excited and encouraging when people come to church. So, when I actually do attend, it's always been awhile and everyone wants to fellowship us and everything. I feel pressure to do normal-people things like hanging out, chatting, talking about weeks, and having conversations that don't suck. It's hard.

And very recently I've thought of becoming an EMT again. I've visited this idea many times along the road as a complimentary or sole profession. I've just always dismissed it because...people. But I love people. I want to help. I especially am drawn to natural disasters. I'm a hands-on learner. I can eventually do death investigation with it. It's perfect!....except people. 

I want to be sealed. I want to have a stable job that I love and that makes a difference. 

I can't do that by running away. If it takes trying every dang medication, I'll grumpily go along with it because I deserve to be happy, if only while I'm healthy enough to work. Church will start in 2 hours. I'm going to be there. I'm going to be there for as much as I can stay awake for.

My viola

I'm feeling sentimental about my viola for some reason (maybe because I'm listening to some viola-heavy Shostakovich), so I'm going to tell you the story of my viola.

It started in 6th grade. At my elementary school, everyone was to play an instrument in either band, orchestra, or choir. I'd always fancied playing the fiddle - back when I thought the fiddle was it's own instrument and not a style of music. So, when this opportunity arrived, I signed up for orchestra without hesitation.

On my first day of orchestra, I discovered a friend of mine there, so I sat next to her. The conductor began going down the rows of students, asking which instrument they were going to play. "Violin, violin, violin, cello, violin, cello, violin, etc." Wow. I guess what I wanted was really popular. Then my friend said: "Viola." and I was like what is a viola?! He then called on me and, without thinking, I replied: "Viola."

It was the beginning of a beautiful relationship.

I love the viola. I couldn't have found a better instrument. I'd always naturally picked out the harmonic lines in music anyway. My fingers weren't fast enough, and my music-reading ability not good enough, to play the violin (in fact, it was probably easier for me to read the viola clef -yes, it has it's OWN clef - because I wasn't used to reading the typical clefs). So I'm more than happy I ditched that popsicle stand before I wasted any time in it. Turns out, I had an amazing viola vibrato. The viola was just...magic. I truly enjoyed playing. Orchestra was largely the only class I looked forward to in elementary, middle, and high school (I still loved it in college, but I had other cool classes by then).

The viola was my ticket to social interaction. In fact, it lead me to my most memorable high school experiences and it lead me to my college friends. My very first date was with the 1st chair cellist. I tried out for a very prestigious teacher in Provo, and she accepted me! I learned from other amazing professionals. I recorded. I went to Disneyland and had my first romantic encounter with a boy who is now my husband. I played in the pit orchestra for two different plays in high school. I got to play in the Ephraim community orchestra's Messiah concert. I played the viola in a trio in a college concert. All this and many other things. I just had a blast.

But life happens.

After what happened between me and my husband's ex, it only brought back bad memories and I deteriorated as a player. She married a violist I'd had a long history with. Mostly I just fancied him a lot, but we also played together in orchestra. It would always remind me of them when I picked it up. Like it was poisonous now. What used to bring me joy and relief only brought heartache.

I guess it was good I'd distanced myself from it because, in the winter of 2013, we were flat broke and starving. The rest of my family had fallen on hard times and forget his family, so we had as much help as they could give, but we were hungry a lot.

I made the decision to sell my viola. It was hard even then because I had so much value in it. My viola had scars and dents and I gave her every one of them. There was a story behind each - usually of negligence. But her value was nothing to other people. Those scars and dents and blemishes made her worth, in the end, about $250 or something. We paid at least $2,000 for her when we bought her new when I was 16. In all honesty, she was worth more than $250, even to people who don't care about her. Evah Pirazzi strings, Jade rosin, Kun shoulder rest, unique chin rest, nice tuning pins (on all strings)...she was beautiful!

She deserved better. I miss her. I regret it immensely, but we were fed for another few weeks and I didn't have to have another reminder of the worst event in my life thus far.