Forthcoming

I have to be more forthcoming about my limitations.

I've said it before, but part of the deal with social phobia (according to NIMH) is "having a hard time making and keeping friends". NAMI puts it in a similar way: "An intense fear of social situations that leads to difficulties with personal relationships".

People must think I'm so flake-y. I thought I could do it. A new girl in the ward - very kind and fun by all accounts - has tried to hang out with me twice now. I keep saying yeah, but I freak out last minute. It's not that I'm trying to lie, I'm trying to push myself out of my comfort zone so I can make progress and get over this. I'm trying to please people, perhaps?

And that's why I'm awake at this ungodly hour - about to throw up, headache already in the early stages, close to tears.

I'm so frustrated with myself. And here are the tears.

Everything is a mess. I don't know how else to put it. I'm so frustrated with being controlled by this. By everything. Is it so much to ask to just be myself? It's as normal as breathing for everyone else.

I'm trying to figure out why I'm like this. And I think most of it was physical first and then I just felt more comfortable away from triggers, so I developed an aversion to people. Am I scared of being embarrassed - like most sites suggest/state? I don't think so. I think for me it was just more trying to keep my discomfort from showing. If people are as empathetic as I am, they'll know when I'm uncomfortable. And I think that drives people away. And maybe I'm just tired of that? Maybe I'm completely bonkers.

I don't know why it happens. I don't know why it's STILL so scary for me. I feel so stupid right now. And pathetic. And hopeless. And useless. And horrible. I just ditched someone 6 hours before we were supposed to hang out! How can I do anything like this? How can I be an employee or a mother like this? No freaking way.

Anyway, I figure I should just seem less flake-y and more b*tch-y to people by saying "no" flat out rather than saying yes and then ditching them. This is just wrong and mean.