This is going to sound dramatic (when do I not?), but it's impossible to describe another way. I honestly don't feel like I was built for this life.
Contact with "the other man" has been limited. For understandable reasons. And it's not like I wasn't dysfunctional when I could communicate with him, but I was definitely happier than I am now. I didn't realize how much.
It's getting hard to eat. For me! I couldn't do much more than shower before and leave the house at night to get my one meal of the day (fries), but now even that is asking a lot. I have been playing Overwatch basically nonstop. It's not that I love the game that much - especially because I often get stuck playing healer - it's because I can't stand being cognizant of reality. Of my stupid limitations.
I am so bored. I am so empty. The disappointment is astronomical.
Excuse the emo sentiment, but it is literally painful to be alive. I hate being awake. All I can think about is how long this is taking. How I can't possibly make it past age 30. This is too much. Imagine if my life was actually difficult! I'm such a waste of human tissue.
And it's not like I have anything to look forward to. I have PKD, I clearly can't hold a job, I will never get a degree, and I don't want kids. All I ever wanted was a career, since I was 5 years old. And it's just never going to happen. Not in a million years. Yes, I am bitter :)
Monday, October 30, 2017
Friday, August 25, 2017
In My Heart
Hello. It's been a short while. Things have been a bit different as of late, in ways both exciting and devastating. At least I feel something though.
I haven't been to work much since going off antipsychotics. They're trying so hard to help me, but I sabotage their efforts voluntarily and involuntarily. They want me to see a psychiatrist so I can get medicated and hopefully work a proper schedule again. I want that too, so very badly. However, I am not at all interested in trying more medicines. I'm just done. The only ones that have worked are so bad for you. The side effects are unbearable. At least with what little I'm on now, I know what to expect. The whole situation makes me absolutely miserable to think of.
And I've gotten so angry lately. It's definitely different from sadness. It's not emptiness. It's new. I just don't want to be a victim anymore. A victim of what I am. My life is out of control, whether I'm trying to control it or not. I'm mad that I've wasted so much time trying to fit the mold of others. Of healthy people. I've had a lot of time to think about what I really wasn't and what I don't want. I don't want kids, I've never truly wanted them. I wish I stopped going to college sooner. Sometimes I wish I never got married, and will never marry. I want to be sterilized. I want tattoos. I love coffee. My life would be so different if I didn't listen to or try to please anyone. I realize that I still hurt so deeply from things people closest to me did. Things that can't be changed, and should be accepted by now. But I don't think I'll ever stop hurting, honestly.
But that's where the good(?) news comes in: I've fallen in love with another man. Not to say that I'm any less in love with Stephen, just that I love two people. Life has been interesting again. Maybe even good. He treats me so well and he supports me emotionally. He cheers me up when I'm sad (or at least tries very hard to). He compliments me constantly, and showers me with affection. He's the good boyfriend I never had. We have a lot in common. Most importantly, he makes me feel like I have worth. He, without trying, is slowly patching up the broken pieces of my heart and my psyche. I love him. I'm really not sure where it could ever go, but I'm just enjoying it for now.
I haven't been to work much since going off antipsychotics. They're trying so hard to help me, but I sabotage their efforts voluntarily and involuntarily. They want me to see a psychiatrist so I can get medicated and hopefully work a proper schedule again. I want that too, so very badly. However, I am not at all interested in trying more medicines. I'm just done. The only ones that have worked are so bad for you. The side effects are unbearable. At least with what little I'm on now, I know what to expect. The whole situation makes me absolutely miserable to think of.
And I've gotten so angry lately. It's definitely different from sadness. It's not emptiness. It's new. I just don't want to be a victim anymore. A victim of what I am. My life is out of control, whether I'm trying to control it or not. I'm mad that I've wasted so much time trying to fit the mold of others. Of healthy people. I've had a lot of time to think about what I really wasn't and what I don't want. I don't want kids, I've never truly wanted them. I wish I stopped going to college sooner. Sometimes I wish I never got married, and will never marry. I want to be sterilized. I want tattoos. I love coffee. My life would be so different if I didn't listen to or try to please anyone. I realize that I still hurt so deeply from things people closest to me did. Things that can't be changed, and should be accepted by now. But I don't think I'll ever stop hurting, honestly.
But that's where the good(?) news comes in: I've fallen in love with another man. Not to say that I'm any less in love with Stephen, just that I love two people. Life has been interesting again. Maybe even good. He treats me so well and he supports me emotionally. He cheers me up when I'm sad (or at least tries very hard to). He compliments me constantly, and showers me with affection. He's the good boyfriend I never had. We have a lot in common. Most importantly, he makes me feel like I have worth. He, without trying, is slowly patching up the broken pieces of my heart and my psyche. I love him. I'm really not sure where it could ever go, but I'm just enjoying it for now.
Tuesday, July 4, 2017
Wednesday, June 28, 2017
"Reading" Music
Today has been a bit of a reprieve. That might be because I slept in an extra half hour (3:30pm, woohoo?), or because I've been distracted by other mental stimulation such as TEDtalks, the Sword and Scale podcast, and playing Overwatch and GTA5 with a group of rowdy teenage boys. Another thing that has helped today and that seems to be the only thing that marginally helps on the worst days is MUSIC!
I've had a long history with music; piano lessons from 5 to 17 years old, playing viola from 6th grade through most of my years at college, playing in pit orchestra for multiple school plays, I even took viola lessons for a few years (including some from a protege of Dr. Dalton - the student of William Primrose). Mostly with her though, we focused on note basics because, from my audition, she couldn't tell I had the major detriment of not being able to read music.
...yeah.
I managed to get by. With piano, my teacher would play the piece for me, and I would just "pick it up." I was always able to memorize it after awhile.
Transitioning to viola was easier on me than most, because it has it's own clef, and that shifts the notes a bit to fit into the instrument's range:
Because I didn't know the names of any notes in any clef, there was virtually no transition. In fact, I can still only identify C (3rd finger on the G string), and A (open A string) without cheating. With orchestral music, you basically have to look at the music. On viola, you play the open string and then put 1 finger down to raise the note. Then a second to raise the note again, and a third finger. Eventually, in higher levels of play, you learn to use a fourth finger instead of an open string, but we'll keep it simple. Viola music was easier for me to play because the notes on lines are all either 1st finger or 3rd finger. The notes on spaces are played as either open strings/4th finger or 2nd finger. This helped me to know which string I wanted to be on and approximately what the following note would be.
At this point, hearing the piece is still vital for me to play it. Upon hearing it, I'm able to assign a section of what I hear with a specific bar or line of music. It "fits". I now understand the part and, granted I'm skilled enough, I can play it! Again, this method depends entirely on actually hearing the music. It's a BIG detriment to not understand music when it's first put in front of you.
As real musicians know, there is so much more to actually reading (and playing) music! But...
I know what a time signature is.
I know what quarter notes, half notes, whole notes, whole rests, half rests. etc are.
I know about slurs, ties, crescendos, fermata, accidentals, etc
The disconnect is with the math. Let's say everything is quarter notes in a 4/4 time signature at an andante pace, I could probably play that without hearing it. But nothing is like that! First of all, not all time signatures are 4/4. What does 4/8 even mean? 6/8? How does that effect the notes? Eighth note followed by quarter rest? What?! Like, I just don't really get how much value practically any notation has in any time signature, including 4/4. It is just garbage! None of it makes any sense! I absolutely can't estimate how long to hold what in any time signature! I cannot wrap my head around that stuff.
That's why I haven't tried out for an adult orchestra. I need to sightread some things. I need to know some music that would be hard to find a recording for (let alone pick out and perfect the viola part). It's just not something I'm able to do.
I've had a long history with music; piano lessons from 5 to 17 years old, playing viola from 6th grade through most of my years at college, playing in pit orchestra for multiple school plays, I even took viola lessons for a few years (including some from a protege of Dr. Dalton - the student of William Primrose). Mostly with her though, we focused on note basics because, from my audition, she couldn't tell I had the major detriment of not being able to read music.
...yeah.
I managed to get by. With piano, my teacher would play the piece for me, and I would just "pick it up." I was always able to memorize it after awhile.
Transitioning to viola was easier on me than most, because it has it's own clef, and that shifts the notes a bit to fit into the instrument's range:
vs
Because I didn't know the names of any notes in any clef, there was virtually no transition. In fact, I can still only identify C (3rd finger on the G string), and A (open A string) without cheating. With orchestral music, you basically have to look at the music. On viola, you play the open string and then put 1 finger down to raise the note. Then a second to raise the note again, and a third finger. Eventually, in higher levels of play, you learn to use a fourth finger instead of an open string, but we'll keep it simple. Viola music was easier for me to play because the notes on lines are all either 1st finger or 3rd finger. The notes on spaces are played as either open strings/4th finger or 2nd finger. This helped me to know which string I wanted to be on and approximately what the following note would be.
At this point, hearing the piece is still vital for me to play it. Upon hearing it, I'm able to assign a section of what I hear with a specific bar or line of music. It "fits". I now understand the part and, granted I'm skilled enough, I can play it! Again, this method depends entirely on actually hearing the music. It's a BIG detriment to not understand music when it's first put in front of you.
As real musicians know, there is so much more to actually reading (and playing) music! But...
I know what a time signature is.
I know what a key signature is
I know what a tempo is.
The disconnect is with the math. Let's say everything is quarter notes in a 4/4 time signature at an andante pace, I could probably play that without hearing it. But nothing is like that! First of all, not all time signatures are 4/4. What does 4/8 even mean? 6/8? How does that effect the notes? Eighth note followed by quarter rest? What?! Like, I just don't really get how much value practically any notation has in any time signature, including 4/4. It is just garbage! None of it makes any sense! I absolutely can't estimate how long to hold what in any time signature! I cannot wrap my head around that stuff.
That's why I haven't tried out for an adult orchestra. I need to sightread some things. I need to know some music that would be hard to find a recording for (let alone pick out and perfect the viola part). It's just not something I'm able to do.
Monday, June 26, 2017
Suicide
This is all I ever think about. I don't even know where to start. Lately I think of what I'll wear in my casket. So vain. I wonder if I'll overdose on barbiturates or make a car T-bone me so I get shearing injuries and bleed to death. I think of shooting myself in the head. I worry excessively that one of these methods will go wrong and I'll be crippled. I worry what would await in the afterlife. I've decided I'd write notes to a lot of people. Not vitriolic ones (stay classy!), but there are so many people who meant something to me, or who impacted my life in small ways that I still remember! You'll be dead, it's your last chance to say everything you've been afraid to! Why limit yourself to just one measly note?
I don't worry much about people I'll leave behind. Most of them, anyway. I know people will move on with time. And perhaps they'll even realize how much I was suffering, and forgive my actions.
I fantasize all day, EVERY day about these things. The fear of messing up keeps me from trying anything. Some NDE's suggest that suicides have to re-live their full life with all the same trials. I do NOT want to do that! Also, I'd feel bad for making other people feel bad. So, there are good reasons not to take action, but it's hard to live with these thoughts everyday. I realize that, what I seek from death is relief - and that's not even a guarantee!!
But man, I'm tired of trying.
I don't worry much about people I'll leave behind. Most of them, anyway. I know people will move on with time. And perhaps they'll even realize how much I was suffering, and forgive my actions.
I fantasize all day, EVERY day about these things. The fear of messing up keeps me from trying anything. Some NDE's suggest that suicides have to re-live their full life with all the same trials. I do NOT want to do that! Also, I'd feel bad for making other people feel bad. So, there are good reasons not to take action, but it's hard to live with these thoughts everyday. I realize that, what I seek from death is relief - and that's not even a guarantee!!
But man, I'm tired of trying.
Monday, June 5, 2017
Goodbye Antipsychotics
Latuda was the first antipsychotic I've ever tried. For the most part, I really enjoyed how I felt! I was in a decent mood most of the time, and I had focus and control of my thoughts that I didn't even know was possible! However, there were problems. Daily, in the evenings for the short time between coming home and falling asleep, I'd feel unbearably suicidal. It was making sexual things more difficult. It was inconvenient to take because it had to be eaten with 350 calories. I'd sleep a lot, and I was tired all the time. It wasn't cheap at $60/mo with insurance. And, eventually, I'll no longer have that, making the medicine $1,000+ a month.
For these reasons, I decided to go off of it. I didn't want to get used to a life/personality/mood/goals that couldn't be maintained anyway.
It's actually been extremely difficult since going off. I tried Zoloft again. Now I'm trying Bupropion again. Nothing is really helping. I feel so...down. All the time. I feel awful. My limbs are so heavy. It's hard to move. Literally keeping my head up takes effort. Showering is an event. I just don't have the energy to do anything anymore.
Thinking has changed in so many ways. I "chew" on painful memories again. Instead of the short, daily bouts of absolute agony, I feel moderately suicidal all day. I think of ending my life all day. It's never quite in the back of my mind, like on Latuda. It's been really hard to keep going. There is nothing I look forward to experiencing in this life.
Work is suffering. I can't sleep. I have no goals for my future. I'm hopeless. I don't care about anything. I've just been having a very hard time.
For these reasons, I decided to go off of it. I didn't want to get used to a life/personality/mood/goals that couldn't be maintained anyway.
It's actually been extremely difficult since going off. I tried Zoloft again. Now I'm trying Bupropion again. Nothing is really helping. I feel so...down. All the time. I feel awful. My limbs are so heavy. It's hard to move. Literally keeping my head up takes effort. Showering is an event. I just don't have the energy to do anything anymore.
Thinking has changed in so many ways. I "chew" on painful memories again. Instead of the short, daily bouts of absolute agony, I feel moderately suicidal all day. I think of ending my life all day. It's never quite in the back of my mind, like on Latuda. It's been really hard to keep going. There is nothing I look forward to experiencing in this life.
Work is suffering. I can't sleep. I have no goals for my future. I'm hopeless. I don't care about anything. I've just been having a very hard time.
Friday, January 6, 2017
Here I am
Well, I failed out of school again.
This doesn't mean I can never go back. It doesn't mean I can't go somewhere else. It just means I probably can't go back to my current university. At least for now.
The thing is, I don't think I should go back. I don't think I'm capable of pushing myself through a number of math classes, in addition to everything else. I'm too depressed. On the other hand, I keep thinking "you're gonna let a few math classes get in the way of your dreams?"
I don't even know what my dreams are anymore. Being a therapist sounds nice, but what if it's too much socially? What about all the money it will cost to do everything? What about that horrific math? What about graduate school? What if it's like most every other job I've had and it's too stressful? I just don't know if going to college was ever a good idea.
But now that I'm not in it, I feel so worthless. I don't know what to do. I'm scared we'll not have enough money. I'm scared about making my loan payments. A degree would've offered security for me. Maybe. What job would I have gotten? What degree, even? I don't know. I didn't know. And I've spent about $30,000 getting nowhere.
Maybe this was for the best. I just don't know what to do now.
This doesn't mean I can never go back. It doesn't mean I can't go somewhere else. It just means I probably can't go back to my current university. At least for now.
The thing is, I don't think I should go back. I don't think I'm capable of pushing myself through a number of math classes, in addition to everything else. I'm too depressed. On the other hand, I keep thinking "you're gonna let a few math classes get in the way of your dreams?"
I don't even know what my dreams are anymore. Being a therapist sounds nice, but what if it's too much socially? What about all the money it will cost to do everything? What about that horrific math? What about graduate school? What if it's like most every other job I've had and it's too stressful? I just don't know if going to college was ever a good idea.
But now that I'm not in it, I feel so worthless. I don't know what to do. I'm scared we'll not have enough money. I'm scared about making my loan payments. A degree would've offered security for me. Maybe. What job would I have gotten? What degree, even? I don't know. I didn't know. And I've spent about $30,000 getting nowhere.
Maybe this was for the best. I just don't know what to do now.
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