I know I didn't mention this in my super-recent post about goals in life (told ya I'd forget something!), but I've recently been reminded of a separate, less important goal. I've always admired pin-up girls. I know, you'd think the feminist within me is crawling, but she's not. She's proud, in fact. Part of being a real feminist is admiring femininity, and pin-up is alllll about that. I could do without the objectification, but I like the raw power, sensuality, and confidence. It's really a beautiful thing.
And that's why I want to do it. I want to be a pin-up girl, if only for a few hours. I have the photographer in mind, the outfits, the poses...everything. I love pin-up and I'd like to have that on my bucket list.
Thursday, July 31, 2014
Cat.
I know I didn't write about it here before. It was just too painful and even somewhat embarrassing to say that I gave up my sweet baby earlier this year. He was my sunshine, even when he was dumping every cup of water we put out for him. I think he knew what was coming.
Sure enough, my parents were forced to leave their costly home and move to a more manageable place near my mom's work. It was a good thing, but it meant sacrifice for Stephen and I. As soon as I heard, I applied to every pet-friendly apartment available. I tenaciously scanned KSL every day so I could have the possibility of being with the cat I'd raised since he was weaned. But everything was falling through. It had been a rough winter, and the pattern didn't stop with him.
Because he hated car rides and would become terrifyingly anxious, I could only bear to make him suffer the shortest ride possible, and that was the local animal shelter. I bawled through the whole process. He was so scared. I still feel guilt about how he must have felt. He was always a loving, loyal cat to me. Maybe not always obedient, but he was loving beyond belief, and just as neurotic as his momma. Yet here I was, handing him off to strangers so they could keep him in a lonely cage surrounded by other abandoned cats. I often wonder if he hates me now.
I wonder if he's happy now. His picture was never on the site, so he must've gotten adopted out right away. Everyone said he would. He's a beautiful, unique cat. The people there all promised, a few times, that they'd take great care of him. Perhaps one of them adopted him. I told them he was the best cat.
I still love that cat, and my heart breaks every day he's not with me.
Sure enough, my parents were forced to leave their costly home and move to a more manageable place near my mom's work. It was a good thing, but it meant sacrifice for Stephen and I. As soon as I heard, I applied to every pet-friendly apartment available. I tenaciously scanned KSL every day so I could have the possibility of being with the cat I'd raised since he was weaned. But everything was falling through. It had been a rough winter, and the pattern didn't stop with him.
Because he hated car rides and would become terrifyingly anxious, I could only bear to make him suffer the shortest ride possible, and that was the local animal shelter. I bawled through the whole process. He was so scared. I still feel guilt about how he must have felt. He was always a loving, loyal cat to me. Maybe not always obedient, but he was loving beyond belief, and just as neurotic as his momma. Yet here I was, handing him off to strangers so they could keep him in a lonely cage surrounded by other abandoned cats. I often wonder if he hates me now.
I wonder if he's happy now. His picture was never on the site, so he must've gotten adopted out right away. Everyone said he would. He's a beautiful, unique cat. The people there all promised, a few times, that they'd take great care of him. Perhaps one of them adopted him. I told them he was the best cat.
I still love that cat, and my heart breaks every day he's not with me.
Friday, July 25, 2014
College Advice.
Going to college is expected. It's expected by my religious circle, even for women. It's expected by my community, and it was certainly expected by my family. And I'm not the only one. Everyone is expected to go to college around here. That's not a bad thing at all. I'm really happy that my state values education so dearly. It has some of the most affordable education in the entire country, we love it so much here.
So it's no surprise that people get weird about it now that things have changed, especially middle-aged people. Before the economic recession, you went to school and you got a bachelors degree, or you were screwed/not doing enough/not going to get a job ever. Even though that couldn't have been true for everyone before, it was believed to be. Afterward, however, it was as if a blanket had been lifted and we could see the truth:
College isn't necessary for everyone.
I don't want to go into the story of Steve Jobs and the other "geniuses" like him. You know, the drop-outs who end up hitting it big and becoming billionaires. They're just not that common, so that is a bad argument. Aside from that, there are plenty of perfectly good reasons to prove my point.
#1: Tuition is not nearly as cheap as it used to be. Yes, inflation, sure. Fine. But that doesn't begin to cover the difference. 1,120% in 30 years to be exact. That's a lot. Yes, you're learning things people didn't even know about 10 years ago. So the quality is there, but you're still the same age people used to be. And people our age are poor. Unless mommy and daddy will pay for your schooling, you're on your own. Your choices are slim, and it's almost inevitable that you'll have to borrow money. Lots of money. And if you don't get a really, really, useful or high-paying degree - you really are screwed.
#2: Not every job requires college, and certainly not a bachelors. Right now I'm attempting to complete a mortuary science degree. It's an A.A.S. And guess what? That's all you need. There are only a handful (or less) of bachelors degrees available in the entire country, that's how much you don't need it. With an A.A.S., you can earn an average of $54,000 a year. Which brings me to my next point.
#3: Not many bachelors degrees are worth it anymore. Now that almost everyone has a bachelors degree, if someone wants higher education, you need to have higher education; a master's degree. Many bachelors degrees will end up earning you equal to or less than an associates would. My degree, nursing, countless other medical field jobs, even some certificates. It's a fact that associates degree holders out-earn bachelors degree holders in the first year after graduation.
#4: Not everyone is cut out for a bachelors degree. The purpose of college, to many people, is to prove that you can jump through hoops. Getting an A in a class just means you got an A in the class. Some people just don't do well in the schools we've set up. It's a one-size-fits-all operation, so that's bound to happen. Not everyone is mentally or physically healthy enough. Some people will just never grasp one or more general education classes. In my case, I'm even terrified of passing Math 1010. You need a higher class for a bachelors. Even public speaking is proving to be a challenge for me, just because I want nothing to do with that class.
Case and point:
#1: Don't take college advice from people who are older than you, they honestly don't know what's going on. The older ones because it's completely different, and the barely older ones because they probably wasted money on a fine arts degree.
#2: If you don't know what you want to do, don't go to college yet. Or at least take required general education first.
#3: Take advantage of community/junior colleges. There is some weird stigma associated with community colleges. I don't know why, but people think they're getting a worse education or something? It's absolutely untrue and you can save A LOT of money by getting an associates at a community college and transferring. I don't know why people would pay more money for the same class. Utah is home to a certain community college that was ranked #1 in the country. How is that worse than a university again?
#4: Get a certification or associates first. If you have a decent job while you go to school, you can save a lot of stress. If it's sensible (you could find a job), earn your associates, then work while you finish school. It will probably be less stressful for you and you can probably avoid racking up student debt.
That's my advice. You can take it or leave it. These come almost directly from my pretty bad experience so far. I'm not cut out for a bachelors. I've wasted a lot of the country's (ultimately my own) money chasing a degree that I'm ultimately not going to get - now that I've changed it. Though I did have a lot of fun, and I really loved learning what I learned. College is fun, especially at first, but it's also a big money and time investment. Be careful.
So it's no surprise that people get weird about it now that things have changed, especially middle-aged people. Before the economic recession, you went to school and you got a bachelors degree, or you were screwed/not doing enough/not going to get a job ever. Even though that couldn't have been true for everyone before, it was believed to be. Afterward, however, it was as if a blanket had been lifted and we could see the truth:
College isn't necessary for everyone.
I don't want to go into the story of Steve Jobs and the other "geniuses" like him. You know, the drop-outs who end up hitting it big and becoming billionaires. They're just not that common, so that is a bad argument. Aside from that, there are plenty of perfectly good reasons to prove my point.
#1: Tuition is not nearly as cheap as it used to be. Yes, inflation, sure. Fine. But that doesn't begin to cover the difference. 1,120% in 30 years to be exact. That's a lot. Yes, you're learning things people didn't even know about 10 years ago. So the quality is there, but you're still the same age people used to be. And people our age are poor. Unless mommy and daddy will pay for your schooling, you're on your own. Your choices are slim, and it's almost inevitable that you'll have to borrow money. Lots of money. And if you don't get a really, really, useful or high-paying degree - you really are screwed.
#2: Not every job requires college, and certainly not a bachelors. Right now I'm attempting to complete a mortuary science degree. It's an A.A.S. And guess what? That's all you need. There are only a handful (or less) of bachelors degrees available in the entire country, that's how much you don't need it. With an A.A.S., you can earn an average of $54,000 a year. Which brings me to my next point.
#3: Not many bachelors degrees are worth it anymore. Now that almost everyone has a bachelors degree, if someone wants higher education, you need to have higher education; a master's degree. Many bachelors degrees will end up earning you equal to or less than an associates would. My degree, nursing, countless other medical field jobs, even some certificates. It's a fact that associates degree holders out-earn bachelors degree holders in the first year after graduation.
#4: Not everyone is cut out for a bachelors degree. The purpose of college, to many people, is to prove that you can jump through hoops. Getting an A in a class just means you got an A in the class. Some people just don't do well in the schools we've set up. It's a one-size-fits-all operation, so that's bound to happen. Not everyone is mentally or physically healthy enough. Some people will just never grasp one or more general education classes. In my case, I'm even terrified of passing Math 1010. You need a higher class for a bachelors. Even public speaking is proving to be a challenge for me, just because I want nothing to do with that class.
Case and point:
#1: Don't take college advice from people who are older than you, they honestly don't know what's going on. The older ones because it's completely different, and the barely older ones because they probably wasted money on a fine arts degree.
#2: If you don't know what you want to do, don't go to college yet. Or at least take required general education first.
#3: Take advantage of community/junior colleges. There is some weird stigma associated with community colleges. I don't know why, but people think they're getting a worse education or something? It's absolutely untrue and you can save A LOT of money by getting an associates at a community college and transferring. I don't know why people would pay more money for the same class. Utah is home to a certain community college that was ranked #1 in the country. How is that worse than a university again?
#4: Get a certification or associates first. If you have a decent job while you go to school, you can save a lot of stress. If it's sensible (you could find a job), earn your associates, then work while you finish school. It will probably be less stressful for you and you can probably avoid racking up student debt.
That's my advice. You can take it or leave it. These come almost directly from my pretty bad experience so far. I'm not cut out for a bachelors. I've wasted a lot of the country's (ultimately my own) money chasing a degree that I'm ultimately not going to get - now that I've changed it. Though I did have a lot of fun, and I really loved learning what I learned. College is fun, especially at first, but it's also a big money and time investment. Be careful.
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
Babies 2/brain barf
So I've shared my fears and all that noise, but I realize now that I didn't say anything about if we did have babies. Adoption is an open book for me, so it's not really worth talking about because I'm not picky about it.
But if we did have our own babies from my own body, we want boys. Just boys, please. But I know that probably wouldn't be the case. See, I only have one baby (pregnancy aside) dream I can remember. And it was certainly the only one where I felt such a connection to the child. Even while I was asleep, I felt this deep, deep love for the baby. And she was a girl. I even knew her name. It was a name I'd never considered before the dream, but it suited her. She was Joanna. And her middle name is Evelyn.
Now, I don't like reading too much into dreams because they usually tend to be a hodgepodge of things I've thought about the day before. But this was different. That deep, loving connection felt so real. I wonder if it is.
Anyway, when I did imagine having kids, I always pictured 3 as the top-off. Absolutely no more than 3. Being sick kinda helped me want fewer. If we have any, I'd be perfectly fine with just 1. Maybe 2. In my religious circle, that's almost unheard of. I will expect judgement, especially if we have no kids. And I'd be lying if I said that aspect didn't affect my decision-making process. I don't need that. I want to feel welcome at church. But it's a place where many people state that it's our highest calling and even our purpose in this life. I worry it would be a hostile environment or people will just write me off as some political hump or that I'm infertile or something. But avoiding judgement is no reason to have a baby.
Another factor is my in-laws. My mother-in-law has always judged me pretty harshly. Now, I doubt I'm the only one with this problem. Ours is just a little different in that she's never made an attempt to get to know me, she largely ignored any attempt I made at contacting her, she'd call me names to my husband, and probably bad-talked me behind my back. She does that, apparently and it's probably why many members of her family (who also don't know me) hate me.
Now, I'm probably making her sound like a monster, but everyone has good qualities. I know she does, so my point isn't to make her sound terrible, my point is that we don't get along. I've decided not to have anything to do with her lately and I wonder if having a child would just exacerbate the issue. I don't want to be in the same room as her, but if she wants to see her son's child, I believe she has that right - no matter how much I hate it.
But her and the females in her family are largely into the religious circle's belief that a woman's place is in the home. As far as I know, not one of them planned on not being a stay-at-home-mom. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with them believing or wanting that. There isn't. It's just not what I've wanted. It's not something I want for me. So I wonder if not having kids would make Steve's mom hate me more. Even though I'm sick.
Another thing is that I just feel so dang tired all the time. I don't think I can explain how tired I am. Not just physical fatigue, but I just feel drained all the time. How can I raise a child like that? I'm really lucky that Steve is so good with kids, but he'd be working a lot. Even if we both worked, I'd have to watch the kid sometime and I just don't think I can do it.
I'm also worried about my chronic constipation. I know pregnancy worsens that problem, and I honestly can't handle it getting any worse. If I had all the money in the world, I'd get my colon removed. Heck, even a colostomy is alright with me at this point. But I (perhaps stupidly) have hope that a doctor will take me seriously someday and actually figure out what is going on down there. There are so many tests they have yet to do (though they have done a lot). I know if they cared enough, they'd fix what was wrong.
Ugh. Anyway, there is more baby stuff for you.
But if we did have our own babies from my own body, we want boys. Just boys, please. But I know that probably wouldn't be the case. See, I only have one baby (pregnancy aside) dream I can remember. And it was certainly the only one where I felt such a connection to the child. Even while I was asleep, I felt this deep, deep love for the baby. And she was a girl. I even knew her name. It was a name I'd never considered before the dream, but it suited her. She was Joanna. And her middle name is Evelyn.
Now, I don't like reading too much into dreams because they usually tend to be a hodgepodge of things I've thought about the day before. But this was different. That deep, loving connection felt so real. I wonder if it is.
Anyway, when I did imagine having kids, I always pictured 3 as the top-off. Absolutely no more than 3. Being sick kinda helped me want fewer. If we have any, I'd be perfectly fine with just 1. Maybe 2. In my religious circle, that's almost unheard of. I will expect judgement, especially if we have no kids. And I'd be lying if I said that aspect didn't affect my decision-making process. I don't need that. I want to feel welcome at church. But it's a place where many people state that it's our highest calling and even our purpose in this life. I worry it would be a hostile environment or people will just write me off as some political hump or that I'm infertile or something. But avoiding judgement is no reason to have a baby.
Another factor is my in-laws. My mother-in-law has always judged me pretty harshly. Now, I doubt I'm the only one with this problem. Ours is just a little different in that she's never made an attempt to get to know me, she largely ignored any attempt I made at contacting her, she'd call me names to my husband, and probably bad-talked me behind my back. She does that, apparently and it's probably why many members of her family (who also don't know me) hate me.
Now, I'm probably making her sound like a monster, but everyone has good qualities. I know she does, so my point isn't to make her sound terrible, my point is that we don't get along. I've decided not to have anything to do with her lately and I wonder if having a child would just exacerbate the issue. I don't want to be in the same room as her, but if she wants to see her son's child, I believe she has that right - no matter how much I hate it.
But her and the females in her family are largely into the religious circle's belief that a woman's place is in the home. As far as I know, not one of them planned on not being a stay-at-home-mom. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with them believing or wanting that. There isn't. It's just not what I've wanted. It's not something I want for me. So I wonder if not having kids would make Steve's mom hate me more. Even though I'm sick.
Another thing is that I just feel so dang tired all the time. I don't think I can explain how tired I am. Not just physical fatigue, but I just feel drained all the time. How can I raise a child like that? I'm really lucky that Steve is so good with kids, but he'd be working a lot. Even if we both worked, I'd have to watch the kid sometime and I just don't think I can do it.
I'm also worried about my chronic constipation. I know pregnancy worsens that problem, and I honestly can't handle it getting any worse. If I had all the money in the world, I'd get my colon removed. Heck, even a colostomy is alright with me at this point. But I (perhaps stupidly) have hope that a doctor will take me seriously someday and actually figure out what is going on down there. There are so many tests they have yet to do (though they have done a lot). I know if they cared enough, they'd fix what was wrong.
Ugh. Anyway, there is more baby stuff for you.
Bucket List.
Alright, I've been trying to mull this over for the past week. I don't think I'll ever remember everything I want to do in one sitting, but hopefully I can give an idea of what I'd like to do with this life of mine. In no particular order:
#1: Help after a disaster (human or natural). This is my dream. I think it's become a common goal after 9/11. I completely understand where many come from when they say things like: "I remember watching the TV and feeling so helpless." I felt like that. I feel like that after every disaster, every emergency. I watch as people are left homeless and grieving dead family. I watch while they search homes for survivors or to confirm death. They hand out food and everyone comes together. I want to be there. I want to do anything and everything I can to help.
#2: Save a life. I am CPR and First Aid certified by the American Heart Association, and that makes me unduly proud. It's one of a few things I feel like I've accomplished in the 22 years I've been roaming the Earth. I would feel even more proud if I could put it to use. I'm happy that, if someone was to have an emergency, I'd at least be able to help in a small way. There is no better accomplishment in life than saving someone else's. Well, except when you save multiple lives.
#3: Volunteer. I want to volunteer. I don't care if it's at a soup kitchen, a bishop's storehouse, the hospital, DMORT, FEMA, American Red Cross, or an animal shelter, I want to volunteer. I want to make it a common part of my life. It's been said in a special parchment of mine that the greatest joy will come in doing service for others. I believe that's true for everyone. And I know it will be true for me, if I could just get my hand in something positive...
#4: Advocate. I'm a natural at this. I believe I'm sometimes too tenacious about my convictions, especially when I absolutely know I'm in the right. I'll try to do less political things, and more global issue and human rights things. I care the most about those. I'd really love to see more acceptance and knowledge about STDs, HIV/AIDS, and contraception. I'd really like to help with women's rights across the world. There are just so many things that need attention. I'd have plenty of things to gripe about.
#5: Go to India. Because India is a fascinating country with a rich history and culture.
#6: Go to Ireland, Scotland, or the United Kingdom. Because why not? Those countries seem cool.
#7: Sea World! I would love to swim and play with baluga whales or dolphins.
#8: Disney World!
#9: Cruise! Or multiple cruises. I'm okay with that.
#10: Get a degree. I don't care what kind, but I want a degree. Even a certification would be cool. I'm thinking a phlebotomy certification would be helpful in conjunction with my mortuary science degree. So that could be attained pretty soonly.
Okay, so maybe it was in order. This is my bucket list. Some things are easier or more imminent than others, but hopefully I can stuff all of this into my life. If I could even do half of these, I'd feel accomplished. Life is so short! Ugh!
#1: Help after a disaster (human or natural). This is my dream. I think it's become a common goal after 9/11. I completely understand where many come from when they say things like: "I remember watching the TV and feeling so helpless." I felt like that. I feel like that after every disaster, every emergency. I watch as people are left homeless and grieving dead family. I watch while they search homes for survivors or to confirm death. They hand out food and everyone comes together. I want to be there. I want to do anything and everything I can to help.
#2: Save a life. I am CPR and First Aid certified by the American Heart Association, and that makes me unduly proud. It's one of a few things I feel like I've accomplished in the 22 years I've been roaming the Earth. I would feel even more proud if I could put it to use. I'm happy that, if someone was to have an emergency, I'd at least be able to help in a small way. There is no better accomplishment in life than saving someone else's. Well, except when you save multiple lives.
#3: Volunteer. I want to volunteer. I don't care if it's at a soup kitchen, a bishop's storehouse, the hospital, DMORT, FEMA, American Red Cross, or an animal shelter, I want to volunteer. I want to make it a common part of my life. It's been said in a special parchment of mine that the greatest joy will come in doing service for others. I believe that's true for everyone. And I know it will be true for me, if I could just get my hand in something positive...
#4: Advocate. I'm a natural at this. I believe I'm sometimes too tenacious about my convictions, especially when I absolutely know I'm in the right. I'll try to do less political things, and more global issue and human rights things. I care the most about those. I'd really love to see more acceptance and knowledge about STDs, HIV/AIDS, and contraception. I'd really like to help with women's rights across the world. There are just so many things that need attention. I'd have plenty of things to gripe about.
#5: Go to India. Because India is a fascinating country with a rich history and culture.
#6: Go to Ireland, Scotland, or the United Kingdom. Because why not? Those countries seem cool.
#7: Sea World! I would love to swim and play with baluga whales or dolphins.
#8: Disney World!
#9: Cruise! Or multiple cruises. I'm okay with that.
#10: Get a degree. I don't care what kind, but I want a degree. Even a certification would be cool. I'm thinking a phlebotomy certification would be helpful in conjunction with my mortuary science degree. So that could be attained pretty soonly.
Okay, so maybe it was in order. This is my bucket list. Some things are easier or more imminent than others, but hopefully I can stuff all of this into my life. If I could even do half of these, I'd feel accomplished. Life is so short! Ugh!
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
The end of the world.
I know there are so many speculations on this matter. I know many groups, religions, and individuals have ideas on how it will all go down. That's not quite my battle today. Today I just wanted to explain why I think the end of times could be near.
Not that I think it's too close. How would I know? But, especially in my religious circle, many often complain about the end of times being near. Not that I blame them. I can't even list the violent horrors people face every day. Many fight hard just to survive the night. People work too hard for too little in extreme and harsh conditions. Kids have to dig through trash to get a lackluster "meal" at the end of the day. They watch their families die of preventable diseases, thirst, and starvation. Some watch their families get killed by militant villains, with no one to protect them or stop the violence.Young girls are mutilated, sold into loveless marriages, impregnated at dangerous ages, violated, abused, and even killed. Innocent people become victims of war, greed, and random bombings. In many homes, unseen abuse of many sorts is acceptable. Heinous murders rise, as do the number of serial killers, who were nigh unheard of before the 1960's. Global warming causes freak storms and natural movement in the Earth continues to rattle countries with unprecedented force. I've barely scratched the surface of atrocities, and these things continue to worsen over time.
And yet, I don't hear about these when religious people complain about the end of times. I don't hear about the violence, murder, rape, abuse, poverty, and greed. No, I didn't even begin hearing the phrase until the gay rights movement picked up in the United States. And that is what makes me know the end is on it's way. People don't care about what they can't see, even though they know their brothers and sisters suffer. God doesn't care about them. God can tolerate that. God will tolerate his children being beaten, raped, and abused, but he won't tolerate gay rights or feminists?
You know nothing. You know nothing of what God's plans are with each of us. You know nothing about same sex attraction, and you know nothing of each female's role in this world and the infinite beyond. How can people rallying for rights, whether they're right or wrong, bother you more than innocent peoples' suffering? Something is wrong with you. That is a level of selfishness and ignorance that I can't tolerate.
Sunday, July 20, 2014
Babies.
I'm sure I've done a post about this before, but it was all about PKD and babies. I'd rather just write a post about babies. Where do I even start? I guess I should start by stating my position on it right now, and that's that I have no clue what to do, but I'm leaning towards a "not gonna happen".
All growing up, I never wanted a kid. I occasionally considered adoption, but I mostly just wanted to spend my life in a career I loved and not contribute to an overpopulation problem. That was a problem that used to terrify me before I learned all of the intricacies behind it. It's still a bit scary but, for many reasons, it's just not as scary anymore. I also was scared to death of having a kid. Being pregnant. That was terrifying. And it's only gotten more so.
Before, I only knew that I had a blood-clotting disorder. My sister is homozygous for it. She nearly died having her four kids. After each one, her doctor suggested not having another. Luckily, I'm only heterozygous, but there are still risks involved. I'd have to give myself blood-thinning shots every single day for nine months. I hate needles, and I especially hate using them on myself. It just puts a pit in my throat. But I'd rather have those than a pulmonary embolism, stroke, DVT, or die.
Or I could just not have a kid. Which is what I ultimately decided to do. There was also the fact that I don't get kids. I don't really click with them. I don't understand trying to entertain them. Not that it's always hard, but people put on shows for them and smile constantly. I just don't know if I can do that, or that I have the energy for it anyway. That seems stupid, but I seriously have problems with kids.
That changed when I got married. I didn't care about any of that stuff anymore, I just wanted something that could show how much I love my husband. I wanted something that was "us". Something we can take care of together, that can't be taken away. A baby is perfect for that. I know I would love it. It was half him, I had to love it! I would still get occasional bouts of horror and guilt wondering how I could bring a child into this dying world. I mean, violence, poverty, and corruption were one thing, but global warming was another. This world is burning up and literally dying before me, how can I wish that on my child?
Then the PKD thing happened. I could go on an on and on about it, but my main concern is that my blood clotting risk (the risk in every stage of kidney disease) is even higher than I thought. I have a 1 in 10 chance of dying from an aneurysm (which, if I have one, usually kills in your early 30's). I have a higher risk of stroke, pulmonary embolism, DVT, death, eclampsia (deadly), pre-eclampsia, permanent high blood pressure, permanent kidney/cyst growth, and permanent kidney damage.
And now there is guilt and risk associated with each child having a 50% chance of inheriting PKD. They already have a 25% chance of getting my blood clotting disorder. PKD hasn't been a big deal for me yet, but I know it is a bigger deal for some people earlier in life. It's still a systemic, life-threatening, progressive illness. And I don't want them to be upset with me with whatever I choose to do for treatment or non-treatment (which I'm leaning toward). I don't want them to hate me.
All growing up, I never wanted a kid. I occasionally considered adoption, but I mostly just wanted to spend my life in a career I loved and not contribute to an overpopulation problem. That was a problem that used to terrify me before I learned all of the intricacies behind it. It's still a bit scary but, for many reasons, it's just not as scary anymore. I also was scared to death of having a kid. Being pregnant. That was terrifying. And it's only gotten more so.
Before, I only knew that I had a blood-clotting disorder. My sister is homozygous for it. She nearly died having her four kids. After each one, her doctor suggested not having another. Luckily, I'm only heterozygous, but there are still risks involved. I'd have to give myself blood-thinning shots every single day for nine months. I hate needles, and I especially hate using them on myself. It just puts a pit in my throat. But I'd rather have those than a pulmonary embolism, stroke, DVT, or die.
Or I could just not have a kid. Which is what I ultimately decided to do. There was also the fact that I don't get kids. I don't really click with them. I don't understand trying to entertain them. Not that it's always hard, but people put on shows for them and smile constantly. I just don't know if I can do that, or that I have the energy for it anyway. That seems stupid, but I seriously have problems with kids.
That changed when I got married. I didn't care about any of that stuff anymore, I just wanted something that could show how much I love my husband. I wanted something that was "us". Something we can take care of together, that can't be taken away. A baby is perfect for that. I know I would love it. It was half him, I had to love it! I would still get occasional bouts of horror and guilt wondering how I could bring a child into this dying world. I mean, violence, poverty, and corruption were one thing, but global warming was another. This world is burning up and literally dying before me, how can I wish that on my child?
Then the PKD thing happened. I could go on an on and on about it, but my main concern is that my blood clotting risk (the risk in every stage of kidney disease) is even higher than I thought. I have a 1 in 10 chance of dying from an aneurysm (which, if I have one, usually kills in your early 30's). I have a higher risk of stroke, pulmonary embolism, DVT, death, eclampsia (deadly), pre-eclampsia, permanent high blood pressure, permanent kidney/cyst growth, and permanent kidney damage.
And now there is guilt and risk associated with each child having a 50% chance of inheriting PKD. They already have a 25% chance of getting my blood clotting disorder. PKD hasn't been a big deal for me yet, but I know it is a bigger deal for some people earlier in life. It's still a systemic, life-threatening, progressive illness. And I don't want them to be upset with me with whatever I choose to do for treatment or non-treatment (which I'm leaning toward). I don't want them to hate me.
Saturday, July 19, 2014
My soulmate.
I realize there are some theories out there surrounding the idea of a soulmate. Some people believe in them, some don't, and some, like me, believe they exist, but not everyone has them. Whatever the truth is, I know Stephen is my soulmate. Conventional "wisdom" dictates that you date as many people as you can so you know what you like. I'm here to say that that is a bunch of potash. I dated one person before I dated my husband, and I only dated the other guy for 3 months. I never once considered marrying him, we were just having fun.
Stephen was the first man I ever considered marrying. I mean, there were a couple of guys I imagined marrying, and I would do whatever it took to make it work, but they weren't interested in me. I can't describe quite how it happened (it was a complex, spiritual experience), but 3 months in with Steve, I knew without a doubt that I was going to marry him. I mean, I was just getting out of the infatuation phase, where you can't really tell what it is yet, but you just love being in love. And maybe that phase was so short because I was spending every waking second I could with him.
We talked about absolutely everything, even things I thought were boring. I just wanted to hear what he thought about everything. I would watch all the shows he liked, just because he liked them. That was painful at times, but we certainly found things we both really liked and that was reward enough. I learned of his faults and strengths through experience. We went everywhere together, which ended up being mostly restaurants, grocery stores, and family events. We even worked together after my boss hired him. After work, I'd stay at his house until the wee hours of the morning...like 8am, and I'd come get him for work at 4pm. We literally spent every second we could together.
After awhile, it just got to the point where I couldn't imagine being without him. I couldn't bear the increasingly rare occasions where I wasn't by his side. Even when I was mad at him, I wanted him around. It's still like that, pathetically enough. He makes me the happiest person I can be. I can't even describe what he means to me. Sure, he's a man, and therefore frustrating at times, but I learn from him. He's my everything. The fact that he loves me too is just icing on the cake.
Stephen was the first man I ever considered marrying. I mean, there were a couple of guys I imagined marrying, and I would do whatever it took to make it work, but they weren't interested in me. I can't describe quite how it happened (it was a complex, spiritual experience), but 3 months in with Steve, I knew without a doubt that I was going to marry him. I mean, I was just getting out of the infatuation phase, where you can't really tell what it is yet, but you just love being in love. And maybe that phase was so short because I was spending every waking second I could with him.
We talked about absolutely everything, even things I thought were boring. I just wanted to hear what he thought about everything. I would watch all the shows he liked, just because he liked them. That was painful at times, but we certainly found things we both really liked and that was reward enough. I learned of his faults and strengths through experience. We went everywhere together, which ended up being mostly restaurants, grocery stores, and family events. We even worked together after my boss hired him. After work, I'd stay at his house until the wee hours of the morning...like 8am, and I'd come get him for work at 4pm. We literally spent every second we could together.
After awhile, it just got to the point where I couldn't imagine being without him. I couldn't bear the increasingly rare occasions where I wasn't by his side. Even when I was mad at him, I wanted him around. It's still like that, pathetically enough. He makes me the happiest person I can be. I can't even describe what he means to me. Sure, he's a man, and therefore frustrating at times, but I learn from him. He's my everything. The fact that he loves me too is just icing on the cake.
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Life has been great!
Lately. I'm not sure why, but I was feeling really good today and yesterday. And I'll honestly probably feel good tomorrow. I don't know if it was the freshly shaved legs, the beautiful day, the rain that's been falling lately, but man alive...it's been good.
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
Godzilla
As I look through my previous posts, it's clear that I've been going through hard times. Even though the hard times are not over, I feel better. So, sorry for the complaining. I know how I can make it up to you.
I highly recommend you go see Godzilla. It is my new favorite movie. I can't talk too much about it, in case you haven't seen it yet, but let's just say it has everything I love in a movie. The composer is a genius, simple as that. He composed and conducted the music, which I like anyway, but he's so gifted. He's pure brilliance! The next Hans Zimmer, only more original.
Seriously, the music is amazing. And then there is the visual director. If he was in the theatre, I would've given a standing ovation. There are so many ways to slip up and make everything cheesy, but there was no cheese on his part. Some scenes were so visionary, it was beautiful. I mean...just...it's hard to even find the right words. He does horror so well. I've seen many horror movies, and there was absolutely nothing ripped from them. Every fight scene, every inkling of suspense and horror was just masterfully done.
Now, I'm not saying the movie is perfect. I could've used more Bryan Cranston - he was basically the only reason I was interested in that movie in the first place. The other actors are not nearly on par with Cranston, some of the scenes are a bit disjointed for my taste - especially in the beginning, and the dialogue between characters could use some work. Also, one must question the logical thinking skills of some of the characters. I guess that could be considered an accurate portrayal because I don't know if anyone would be thinking logically considering what was going on. However, when I looked past these slight annoyances, I completely enjoyed myself.
You should really watch this movie. The end.
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
Being sick
I almost never got personal flack for my mental illnesses. Contrary to popular belief, it seems like most people, at least in Utah, understand mental illness. Maybe it's because Utah has the highest antidepressant use per capita in the country. I personally know SO many people with mental illness. Your neighbor, your sibling, everyone knows someone with depression.
But, for some reason, I do get a lot of flack for my genetic disease. It's weird, because it's as if they don't realize what that means. It means I was born with it. It means, in my specific case and 85% of people with ADPKD, that the gene in my body responsible for producing polycystin 1 has mutated.
I can't help it.
Yet, many people, probably because it seems there is no family history of my condition, believe I am being punished for some sin. That I can pray it away or that someone can bless it away. Just stop. I know praying helps with trials. I know miracles have been performed with blessings, but you can't do that to me.
If you do give me a blessing, the only outcome is that, if I get better (highly unlikely), it's God. If I get worse, it's my fault - I didn't have enough faith or something is wrong with me. I can't possibly win. No, I didn't "get" this because of any sin I committed. Do you say that to people with cancer? An almost entirely preventable disease - except in cases of genetic predisposition (a mere 5-10% of cases) - and you wouldn't dare say something like that to them. It's even treatable if caught early enough! There are effective, albeit difficult, treatments to take the cancer out of your body.
We have nothing like that. We spend our entire lives being sick. And you're saying it's my fault? I found out about a story of Jesus a few months after my diagnosis. Jesus was walking with his disciples one day when they pointed out a blind man on the side of the street. They wisely turned to Jesus and inquired: "Who had sinned, the man or his parents, that he was born blind?" And Jesus, ever the teacher, replied: "Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him."
So I've been given this trial so God can work through me. I should be honored (though I admit, it's hard to feel that way sometimes). And honestly, what about all those people with other genetic illnesses who have died? Did God just not love them enough? Were the people who blessed them just not faithful enough?
This is just a bad road to go down. I will no longer accept blessings of healing, because I don't want someone's faith being shaken after I die. I don't want someone to think God will heal you if ___, ____, and ___. Like a list. It doesn't work that way. People will die of genetic diseases. Miracles will happen. And the world will continue to turn if it is God's will. Deal with it.
Sleep ish.
*Please forgive the condescending tone to follow. I am sleep-deprived.
So here is yet another issue of not getting any sleep. Featuring me. This is why I can't have nice things. For the last week or so, I've been up all night and I sleep during the day when I can. Yesterday, I was finally able to maybe have a fresh start, as I awoke from a 13+ hour sleep at 10:30am. Surely I'd be tired by now, 4:30am the following day, but alas, here I am.
And I'm not even tired. Or maybe I am, I just can't freaking sleep. I don't even think about anything important. There isn't much to think about except: "Omg, we haven't been to church in weeks." Sometimes I can rehash feelings I've rehashed a million times. Nothing new happens, but at least I know I'm sure?
It's completely stupid. Nothing productive happens. I should be tired. I know I will be later. I dread that, but I can't force it to happen. And so I blog. And wait.
So here is yet another issue of not getting any sleep. Featuring me. This is why I can't have nice things. For the last week or so, I've been up all night and I sleep during the day when I can. Yesterday, I was finally able to maybe have a fresh start, as I awoke from a 13+ hour sleep at 10:30am. Surely I'd be tired by now, 4:30am the following day, but alas, here I am.
And I'm not even tired. Or maybe I am, I just can't freaking sleep. I don't even think about anything important. There isn't much to think about except: "Omg, we haven't been to church in weeks." Sometimes I can rehash feelings I've rehashed a million times. Nothing new happens, but at least I know I'm sure?
It's completely stupid. Nothing productive happens. I should be tired. I know I will be later. I dread that, but I can't force it to happen. And so I blog. And wait.
Sunday, July 6, 2014
Stress is odd.
So, everyone has so much stress. For some of us, it comes and goes. For others, it's constant. And there is a whole rainbow of different levels of stress. It's also strange how differently we react to it.
For example, I can't handle what most people handle on a daily basis. I am a super-wimp when it comes to handling stress. So it makes sense that my body is reacting the way it is right now. I made the mistake of taking summer classes. I thought I could not only handle it, but that I'd like it. No sir. This is too much on top of my usual issues, and now we're close to being flat broke. Though I do like trying to budget things.
Last month, I had my regular period. Then I had like...a mini period later in the month. FYI, my period is never regular. It's long, heavy, and it starts whenever it feels like it. This year has been weird in that I could usually count on it coming sometime between the end of the month and the beginning of the next.
Well, mine hasn't come this month. All the regular signs happened, but no period came afterward. So I took a pregnancy test and I'm not pregnant. So I have to assume that this is just my weird body doing it's weird thang. Or stress.
I also have a mouth full of canker sores. This is apparently due to stress, a vitamin deficiency, or an allergy to citrus fruits. Honestly, it could be any of those, but given recent developments I'm thinking it's the first option.
So now my whack body is being even more whack and I have canker sores. For things everyone else does/goes through all the time.
For example, I can't handle what most people handle on a daily basis. I am a super-wimp when it comes to handling stress. So it makes sense that my body is reacting the way it is right now. I made the mistake of taking summer classes. I thought I could not only handle it, but that I'd like it. No sir. This is too much on top of my usual issues, and now we're close to being flat broke. Though I do like trying to budget things.
Last month, I had my regular period. Then I had like...a mini period later in the month. FYI, my period is never regular. It's long, heavy, and it starts whenever it feels like it. This year has been weird in that I could usually count on it coming sometime between the end of the month and the beginning of the next.
Well, mine hasn't come this month. All the regular signs happened, but no period came afterward. So I took a pregnancy test and I'm not pregnant. So I have to assume that this is just my weird body doing it's weird thang. Or stress.
I also have a mouth full of canker sores. This is apparently due to stress, a vitamin deficiency, or an allergy to citrus fruits. Honestly, it could be any of those, but given recent developments I'm thinking it's the first option.
So now my whack body is being even more whack and I have canker sores. For things everyone else does/goes through all the time.
Friday, July 4, 2014
Loner.
I have another blog dedicated to all the intricacies that go into making me the loner-est loner I know. But I know I've shared this on there before, and I wanted to complain about it some more: the fact that I'm so incredibly unrelatable. And apparently that's not even a word.
This need to lament came from the reminding view on facebook that all my cousins are friends with all of my siblings. My brother doesn't use facebook (how does he get on with life?), so he's not technically friends with anyone either, but my sisters are all friends with all of my cousins.
I am not friends with most of my extended family. I do love them. I love being around them, but I can easily see why they probably don't love being around me. First of all, we're so different. That whole side of the family is just vibrant, outspoken, and accomplished. I'm like...the opposite of all of those things. Second, I have almost nothing in common with them. I rarely have anything in common with anyone, it seems. And that makes it hard to make friends when most people build relationships off of commonalities. Third, I still don't know how to interact with those outside my innermost circle. I literally shut down around some people for no reason at all.
So yeah, I get it. And I'm not certain I want this to change, but it is sad to see.
This need to lament came from the reminding view on facebook that all my cousins are friends with all of my siblings. My brother doesn't use facebook (how does he get on with life?), so he's not technically friends with anyone either, but my sisters are all friends with all of my cousins.
I am not friends with most of my extended family. I do love them. I love being around them, but I can easily see why they probably don't love being around me. First of all, we're so different. That whole side of the family is just vibrant, outspoken, and accomplished. I'm like...the opposite of all of those things. Second, I have almost nothing in common with them. I rarely have anything in common with anyone, it seems. And that makes it hard to make friends when most people build relationships off of commonalities. Third, I still don't know how to interact with those outside my innermost circle. I literally shut down around some people for no reason at all.
So yeah, I get it. And I'm not certain I want this to change, but it is sad to see.
Liars
Surely you know how I feel about them by now. In case you didn't, I really hate them. I can't stand them. Life is hard enough without not being able to trust people. It's hard enough to trust people. Then some go ahead and lie. Even about dumb things! It doesn't compute for me, it just doesn't.
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