Being sick

I almost never got personal flack for my mental illnesses. Contrary to popular belief, it seems like most people, at least in Utah, understand mental illness. Maybe it's because Utah has the highest antidepressant use per capita in the country. I personally know SO many people with mental illness. Your neighbor, your sibling, everyone knows someone with depression.

But, for some reason, I do get a lot of flack for my genetic disease. It's weird, because it's as if they don't realize what that means. It means I was born with it. It means, in my specific case and 85% of people with ADPKD, that the gene in my body responsible for producing polycystin 1 has mutated. 

I can't help it. 

Yet, many people, probably because it seems there is no family history of my condition, believe I am being punished for some sin. That I can pray it away or that someone can bless it away. Just stop. I know praying helps with trials. I know miracles have been performed with blessings, but you can't do that to me. 

If you do give me a blessing, the only outcome is that, if I get better (highly unlikely), it's God. If I get worse, it's my fault - I didn't have enough faith or something is wrong with me. I can't possibly win. No, I didn't "get" this because of any sin I committed. Do you say that to people with cancer? An almost entirely preventable disease - except in cases of genetic predisposition (a mere 5-10% of cases) - and you wouldn't dare say something like that to them. It's even treatable if caught early enough! There are effective, albeit difficult, treatments to take the cancer out of your body. 

We have nothing like that. We spend our entire lives being sick. And you're saying it's my fault? I found out about a story of Jesus a few months after my diagnosis. Jesus was walking with his disciples one day when they pointed out a blind man on the side of the street. They wisely turned to Jesus and inquired: "Who had sinned, the man or his parents, that he was born blind?" And Jesus, ever the teacher, replied: "Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him." 

So I've been given this trial so God can work through me. I should be honored (though I admit, it's hard to feel that way sometimes). And honestly, what about all those people with other genetic illnesses who have died? Did God just not love them enough? Were the people who blessed them just not faithful enough?

This is just a bad road to go down. I will no longer accept blessings of healing, because I don't want someone's faith being shaken after I die. I don't want someone to think God will heal you if ___, ____, and ___. Like a list. It doesn't work that way. People will die of genetic diseases. Miracles will happen. And the world will continue to turn if it is God's will. Deal with it.