Ah, depression/GAD. Just when you think you're out, it pulls you right back in. Since meeting Stephen, I just haven't had to be on antidepressants/anticonvulsants save for once. I do a lot of self-medicating anyway, but there are times where my life is in danger and my judgement is clouded enough to warrant help.
I think I need help again. I think I may need the big guns again. Clonazepam; my mortal frienemy. I love how it works. It actually helps, which is new. But, on the other hand, it caused weird side-effects. My eyes would flitter about, my head would occasionally twitch, and I had a hard time remembering things. All of these were worth the results I was getting until I developed an additional symptom that is still something of an issue for me. I can only describe it as cognitive impairment. I'd forget words completely, even simple words. I'd frequently stop mid-sentence to try to concoct the rest of the sentence. Normally, I can make a sentence in my mind and say it rather quickly, but even if I had the sentence in my mind, I would need to pause before saying the rest.
So I gave it up. That, and I had a human replacement for them. However, I'm beginning to notice that I worry too dang much about stupid things. It keeps me up at night. In fact, I'm still awake now. I worry about every. little. thing. It's a nightmare, but if I don't worry about it and hash out a plan about it every 45 seconds, it'll literally begin giving me physical symptoms like restless legs and even a racey heart sometimes. It's utterly ridiculous, and it's really disturbing my quality of life. Even though I could be doing worse, I feel like I'm not doing anything I'm supposed to be doing. I'm not doing anything right. I feel like a waste of space and like I don't know how to connect with people - even my friends.
It's very tempting right now, that's all I'm saying.
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