No voice.

I'm still reeling from a blind-sided quote I heard today. I was watching a show about animal hoarders when a sufferer explained why she began collecting animals. It started when she was diagnosed with cancer at the age of 38. The chemo made her infertile, and she said: "Well, the baby machine is broken, what's the point of being a woman?"

Oh. Good. Grief. 

I guess I can cut her some slack because she was one of those gals who grew up thinking her only purpose in life was to be a mother. Then again, she was freaking 38...how long did you think you had if you didn't have cancer? Eggs and fertility don't last forever. 

Anyway, I was just filing the irritation away in my brain when it suddenly dawned on me what life is about. It may very well be why I've been going through a rough patch and maybe why I can't stand being around people in the first place: pressure. 

It seems like, from the second you're born, people have ideas for you. If you're a girl, you're gonna have babies unless you absolutely can't. Your parents want you to be just like them when you grow up. American society has ideas of it's own. My religion, as great as it is, is probably the biggest beast when it comes to pressure. 

I'm not talking about the pressure to be good so you can avoid Hell. That's not a valid reason to be good anyway, and it's not relevant. I'm talking about women are supposed to be this way and men are supposed to be this way. I'm not a perfect follower in any sense of the term, so excuse my delusions, but I feel in my heart of hearts, that it isn't so black and white. I KNOW I'm not a female for the purpose of having babies. Vanessa is a female. I just am, that's my spirit. I can't handle having "my highest calling" shoved down my throat every dang Sunday. If I'm having a baby, it's because it's in my plan, not the plan for females. Not all women can have children, so shove off!

Aside from that mountain of unpleasantness, there is American society. Why do I have to be outgoing? Why do I have to say: "How are you?" and not actually mean it? Why are women supposed to be one way or another? Why do we have to have exciting lives to be worth conversing with? Why is it weird to be candid? Why can't we just let each other be? 

And if that wasn't enough, everyone you know has an opinion about how you should live your life. Friends and especially family will tell you what you should do to be happy. "Get a transplant". "Have babies". "Be positive". "You're just giving up if you don't blahblahblah." Those are just a few things people have said to my face. People who don't know what it's like 1: to be me 2: to be chronically ill 3: to be a female 4: to be a chronically ill female. If someone would just be educated about my illnesses before telling me what to do or how to act, that would be nice. For once. 

You know, that part of me just messed everything up. As far away as I was from being understood before, it's just even further away now. Hardly any doctors know of PKD and virtually NO ONE ELSE knows anything about it. So thanks a lot, body.

I just wish people would let me be. Just let me do my own thing. But there is no way that's going to happen. Everyone will have their opinions about my life and my choices. They're gonna be vocal about it sometimes. I'd like to say I can just let it roll off my back, but I've never been that kind of gal. I'm a fighter, but I just think I'm done fighting. 

Anyway, I hope that made some sense. Maybe I'm just cranky... but I think I might have a point. I'd see a therapist and get some meds if I could afford it, but for now I have this stupid blog.