Full-time

It's blurry.

I'm in a training program right now and it's kicking my butt! It's hard to do school and full-time work. Very hard. Even though I found a great job, I wish I'd waited to find one. This is my future, and the job is just a temporary provider.

Anyway, having all this going on has given me a small taste of the downsides of full-time work. My house is in constant disarray, my husband begins to look unkempt, dishes pile up, and my stress manifests as arguments with my husband. I'm less happy, despite having less worry about money.

Because everything is beginning to fall apart, I worry if I should even try to get a career anymore. Me having a life causes tumult in my home now, what if we had kids? Just one kid? They'd be so neglected! And, if I ever do become a parent, I want to be a good one.

On top of that, I'm experiencing acute stress on a daily basis. My stomach is getting noticeably bigger because of the cortisol. For some reason, perhaps because I'm so aroused from stress, I experience extreme vaginal discharge. It's freaking me out, honestly.

My job itself isn't stressful, I just worry about getting there on time and there are people present. They don't even hardly speak English. I am alone most of the time. And yet, I'm still THAT stressed out. Maybe I'm just not cut out for work. That worries me too.

If we were to ever have kids, it just seems like any more investment in my career is useless. I can't really handle both.

That just makes me very sad.