Others? *Ranty

Sometimes I wonder if I have such a hard time around others because of them. My natural reaction is to blame myself for most things. So, for the decade plus that I've been suffering this affliction called social phobia, I've blamed myself.

For years, it was: "Why am I so stupid?" "What's wrong with me?" "Why am I letting myself get scared?" "I'm such a loser, only losers would let this run their lives." After months of therapy and hard work, it changed to: "No one is out to hurt me." "I'm safe. I'm fine." "Calm down." While it barely helps, it was the best I could do, because most people think social phobia is just worrying what others think too much. While that is the most common cause, there is a small percentage where the cause is physiological. This has to be me, because everyone calls me weird, and I'm okay with that. I think a lot more people would like me if I could be myself - I'm not worried about their opinion of me, I worry they think I'm what my anxiety makes me present: quiet, nervous, and hypervigilant. The physical reaction happens long before there are thoughts, before I have a chance to intervene.

Anyway, that was my conclusion, though my therapist contested that there was always a thought first. I guess it's a divisive theory. There was just no way. I care a lot how people feel in general, but not what they think of me. Again, I think people would like me!

So that was where we left it. We couldn't agree on the underlying cause, so it was impossible to work on. Maybe he just thought I was in such denial, that I wasn't ready. He asked once if someone had rejected me and said I was weird when I was young. Yes! Everyone! Always! I still think about it and there isn't a time that particularly sticks out to me. I was bullied ruthlessly about my hair and pigeon toes, but I'm largely unaffected by that now (my hair still sucks, and I do have pigeon toes!).

Sorry about the rant. My point is that I was always "weird". When I was little, nice "popular" girls included me. Even through highschool (at the height of unattractiveness), I was included in pretty much every group.
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However, I did remember people treating me differently. Just people. It's difficult to explain, but I remember a specific time when I went to a football game by myself. I was early (always ruefully early), so no one was there. I sat in a great place. People filed in, and the benches filled. I notice people start to look around with slight desperation for any space. That's when I looked around and noticed no one sitting around me. Not a soul. There was literally an empty moat going 3 feet out around me. Of course I moved, and it filled.

This happened a lot in college. The seats near me would always fill last. For a long time, I thought something was wrong with me. Maybe I was putting out a bad vibe or I smelled bad. Maybe no one wanted to be seen by me.

People just ignore me in situations where, if it was anyone else, they wouldn't have. They look at me weird, they treat me weird...not even meaning to, I imagine. They react more slowly to things I say. I say things other people say, and they just react as if I said something awkward.

Maybe it's not me, maybe it's other people. Maybe the reason people make me so uncomfortable is because I just feel like I can't do anything right by them. People always "read" me and my intentions wrong, especially when they're trying. This is especially annoying because I'm so open about every aspect of my life.

Or maybe that's just part of it. Maybe they sense my physiological discomfort and it makes them act differently toward me. That makes sense.

So this will never go away, but practice and exposure helps me tolerate the discomfort better. It always hurts to be ignored, but it happens all the time. I should be used to it. There is so much that makes me different (not special, just different) from others, I should just get used to the odd treatment.