Getting worse!!

It's getting worse again.

I don't even know what to do.

Things have been monstrously stressful lately. This is the busiest I've ever been in my life, so I can understand a healthy dose of stress, but I got a mouth ulcer, my weight is skyrocketing, and some of my old depressive symptoms are back. I sit at work and, despite blasting classic hip hop, can't stop thinking about all these discrepancies and painful misunderstandings from the past.

People judging me or completely misreading my intentions or actions.

I was planning a party for my husband, and I asked who he wanted to invite. He didn't mention his brother, and I suggested he ask to be nice (we both assumed his new wife would have something planned). We were surprised to learn that she had no plans for his birthday. I assumed this meant she'd be out of town. And, of course, his brother didn't say or allude to anything. So I invited him.

Mistake of a lifetime.

Apparently, this meant that I was purposely excluding his wife from a birthday party for both my husband and his brother (it was just Stephen's). I was being hurtful. Of course, still no one said anything to me, they just kept it to themselves to be mad at me for until it came out later.

That still bothers me. I don't know if it will ever not.

I was gossiped about my actions after getting cheated on. ME, of all three people involved.

Just a LOT of things like that from people who don't know me. They were mean to me from the beginning. Not unwelcoming, just legitimately mean. They'd all call me self-absorbed despite a major in social work, domestic violence shelter volunteer training, etc. Everything they knew about me (which extended only to Facebook) contradicted self-centeredness. Yet everyone loved to call me that.

I think about how easy it would be to just end it again. It's easier to fixate on something else when my mind wanders here, but I'm just tired of feeling this way. Feeling pressure everywhere I turn. I can't be myself and, even if I could, I would probably have to look at someone a certain amount or say things a certain way. Like they're constantly watching and judging me. I can't handle that.

But my mother-in-law apologized for everything she did fairly recently. We cleared a bunch of things up. I want to say everything is forgiven, since it's on me now. She's done her part. But there is one thing I can't quite understand or forgive: my wedding. Most of that wasn't even her. A lot of it was my dad making us stand in front of everyone the entire night. A lot of it was everyone yelling at me and telling me Stephen was a scrub for not having a phone or car. A big part was Stephen's dad calling every day the few days before to ask Stephen to reconsider. But the biggest deal was an invitation she wrote to her family. It was mean, it was passive-aggressive and bitter. It didn't have my name in it. That I can't understand. She said it wasn't about me, but it was my name that was missing. No one wished us well. I know how that family feels about me, and I don't want to be around them. But I don't want my mother-in-law to think that I didn't appreciate her effort.

I don't know what to do. Sometimes I wish I didn't marry Stephen at all. Honestly. I love him and he makes me happy, but there is a lot of sorrow that the happiness is trying to make up for.

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Other than that, I feel a ton of stress about future decisions, and I don't really have time to research them or obsess, which is apparently something I need to feel secure. Some things I've learned/questioned:

Can I ever work 40 hours a week? I'm doing it now, and it's so miserable. I hate getting up everyday to surround myself with people - even people who hardly speak English! I just feel like I need a break, some rest. I can't keep this up and live a healthy life. I'm stressed TF out. I'm run TF down. My body is going nuts. Could I ever do it? If I got a job I loved?

Things fall apart at home. There are dishes in the sink that have been there for over a week. Stephen doesn't take baths or groom as often as he should. Millie's litter gets neglected. The house gets cluttered and/or messy. It stresses me out, but everyone else is okay...should I quit work to keep up my wifely duties?

Should I get my paramedic, or AEMT? Since I'm probably gonna be having babies soonish, should I bother wasting another $10,000 to get my paramedic? Would I ever be able to use it? After babies, my kidneys might go haywire. Other health issues. Who knows? Or I could get my AEMT and stop there and work. But again, will I be able to work? I think I would like the schedule more because they're 12-24 hour shifts 2-3 times a week. Especially if I were just an E.R. technician, that wouldn't be too stressful, right? And the work would certainly be meaningful!

I don't know. In the perfect world, I would be able to handle my current schedule with my ultra-accelerated schooling so that I could have my own money and feel worthwhile and see Stephen at 4pm every day! But...I really can't. I feel like I'm running around with mangled legs. I'm trying to do everything, so I end up doing well at nothing.

And it's weird, but I think about having a baby now and I get excited. Sometimes. I don't know if it's my biological clock ticking, inspiration/guidance, or something else...