I'm tired.

I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of being misunderstood and mistreated.

I still don't know or understand why my husband's family gave us Hell - but will congratulate his brother - for the same deed, but I've been making such progress that I have a hard time focusing on that. Yes, it's ultimately why I didn't go to the wedding (and extremely heartbraking), but, per advice, I'm trying to let it go. I can't control other people, as much as I'd really love to at least influence them sometimes.

Something really amazing has come of all of this though. I'm really gaining a relationship with my mother-in-law. A real relationship. It's weird that, of all things, this type of event would cause that, but it's true. It was *surprisingly easy to let go of almost 2 years of hatred and resentment after she apologized. Not only did she genuinely apologize, she explained things. She didn't give excuses. She didn't lie. That was more than I ever could have hoped for from her, but all I ever wanted. She really isn't who I thought she was.

She's been through Hell, too. She has struggles and questions too. She fights her natural inclinations too. She understands things more and has much more compassion than I ever would've expected. It's just a side of her I never saw, or at least never let myself see. She really is easy to talk to because she has a lot to talk about. I hope I can converse as naturally as she does someday.

We literally talked for 4 and 1/2 hours last night (and we could've gone on, but I had to pick up Stephen). I got two really good hugs out of the situation. It was just much more than I ever expected. I never thought I'd step foot in that house again - so many bad memories and hurt etched in the walls - but she was worth it. She was there when I really just needed someone. She forgave me instantly for hurting her son's feelings and seemed to understand my reasons. If she didn't, she's a great actress.

Either way, it was really an event. 3 days ago, I would have laughed at this. But every cloud really does have a silver lining.

What a joke.

Well, all of this was for not. All the worrying, all the attempts to build a relationship. He's throwing it away becuase "if I can't get along with [his] wife, I can't get along with [him]". Which is silly and absolutely not true. My husband gets along with quite a few people who hate me - his family. Also, basically every other couple doesn't get along with another family member. It's not uncommon. He'll see.

It's weird. He said he loved me so many times, I believed him. This isn't love. In fact, very last-minute I decided I couldn't put up with everyone's bullying over this. I was so incredibly hurt and they do it on purpose. But I tried to tell him in a message I left in the gift I got him for this. And Stephen said he messaged him. But, I looked, and he said he didn't have time to read it.

That's how much he cares. He doesn't even want to know why I'm not coming. I've tried to tell him over and over that it was more complex than he knows and that I love him, but it just doesn't seem like he returns that sentiment.

What a chameleon. I really believed him. If he really cared so much, he wouldn't have tried to blackmail me and he definitely would've taken two seconds to read the damn message.

What a joke this has all been. But I'm hoping he'll find it in him to understand. I don't need forgiveness, but I would like him to understand, at least, and maybe we could move on. Though I don't know if it will ever be the same. I'm seeing just how conditional our relationship is.

On second thought..

I really don't know how to feel about being blackmailed.

I'm used to deception. I've lived with it all my life. It's managed to weave it's way into nearly every meaningful relationship I've had. Yet I still feel this way every time. Betrayed, I guess. Like my relationships are not unconditional.

I'm used to it, so I'm not upset exactly. I'm just...disappointed. That's the word.

He didn't understand. He still doesn't. My main reason for not going was my beef with his mom, but he's also had a hard time accepting that his fiance and I are different. Completely different people with completely different values and thresholds of acceptability. She's also loud, and I hate loudness. I'll go ahead and blame the hypervigilence for that.

Either way, I can accept different people. It's NOT that at all. If it was just that, I'd have been much more receptive to a relationship with her (and his relationship with her). The problems come from his own words. I was leery about his previous relationship because he was Hell-bent on coming home, baptizing her, and marrying her. That was weird. Maybe he gets that now but, when I told him I was worried, his gf had already broken off the relationship. You wouldn't have been able to tell. He was still sure there was a possibility of doing that. She broke up with him because he was too obsessive.

So what am I supposed to think when, the first time I see his new gf, they have damn rings on their fingers? We'd asked him the day before during casual conversation: "What if you break up with her?" And he said it's unlikely because she received revelation about it. We told him it could mean anything. Like...a church teacher of mine got a revelation of the same kind and proposed and she said no. He later met his eternal companion. It could mean anything. And he'd just gotten off his mission and he was saying that.

They don't seem happy together. I mean, she never seems happy, but he doesn't smile or laugh around her. He insists he is, but maybe I just don't know him enough to tell. And then he later told us that he'd been unsure of wether or not she was pressuring him into it or if he really wanted it. He didn't pray about it, he went to a therapist to tell him that. Not good. Red flag. If you can't even pray about it, you must be afraid of the truth. Meanwhile, she was buying him so many gifts. Like seducing him.

And it's all just moving way too fast. They've spent like...no time together. They're still in the new relationship phase, where everything is great. Everything is new and fun. And he won't talk about the relationship with anyone. He hides it. What am I supposed to think then?

But I received a similar revelation exactly 3 months in. It wasn't so direct, but I knew I would marry Stephen. So who am I to say hers didn't happen? Stephen and I spent every second together. He made me happy, and everyone could tell. We took pictures and wrote on eachother's walls. We told people we were engaged. It's just weird and sneaky to me and he hasn't been forthcoming about this whole thing. How can you expect someone with my personality and mental illnesses to react?

Naturally I was skeptical, scared, and upset. I didn't want him to get into something too deep and miss out on his real soulmate. I realize there is a lot I don't know about their relationship because of the secrecy. I just wish I could trust his judgement. I don't.

Anyway, those were my reservations. Because of those, I was not supportive of this relationship. He doesn't even realize. He probably thinks I'm petty and that's why he thought it was okay to blackmail me. Saying we weren't friends if I didn't go. What could I do then? I had to go.

But now I don't know if I even want to be friends with someone who would do that to me. If he didn't want to go to my wedding, I would've understood. Mostly because the majority of my guests also didn't want to be there and I really only cared about getting married to Stephen, not the show.

I'm just disappointed.

Well well..

So I just got done with a huge freaking text battle with my mother-in-law.

Turns out, I really just needed an explanation. As much as I wouldn't have believed it 10 minutes ago, I've actually forgiven her. Crazy. It really is astounding to me. And I would've made a huge mistake if I didn't go. She's just not nearly as evil as I thought she was. This whole time I figured she didn't care about this or that and, when actually talking to her (hindsight says that would've been preferable), I find she actually does care about a lot of things. She just doesn't vocalize her feelings. Something I'm pro at.

We're very different when it comes to a few big things, but the same when it comes to a lot of smaller things. I can live with that. Now I'm sorry and I have to eat crow (also something I'm pro at - maybe because of afformentioned pro at thing).

And I have to get my brother-in-law to talk to me. Share the good news? I still don't think it's that big of a deal that we go, but if it makes him happy, then I'm happy. A little sad/hurt about how my wedding went, but it's okay. Apparently everyone was mad at us. She made it so I could only tell a majority of people were mad at us. Pretty good, considering the hypervigilance, the fact that I don't trust anyone, and the fact that I am extremely wary of peoples' intentions. She's talented, that was never disputed.

I've been stupid. No one supported my decision to marry Stephen except Levi and our handful of friends. I should've returned the favor, even though I don't like his fiance. Though, maybe that can change too. I have to be more forgiving and give people a chance. Tommorrow will be eventful, that's for sure.

Done.

I am done with in-laws.

My. Goodness.

I tried. I honestly tried. From the beginning, I was (of course) extremely shy. I do have social phobia, after all. I really think that screwed the pooch because they probably thought I was secretive or something. While I tried to communicate as much as possible, I guess they weren't satisfied. I tried to go to every family event. My mother-in-law didn't like me. Or something. I still don't know quite what her problem was. She's said so many nonsensical things about it. But I really thought she was cool before she showed her true colors after Stephen and I were engaged.

She says she didn't feel included in our...wedding plans? Something? Maybe that was because I didn't get my dress with her. She didn't give any real details or explanations, but I think it may have been that. Of course I'd been trying to open communications with her via email from the beginning. I'm more comfortable with text than actual words. Something we don't have in common. She later claimed that they were "hurtful". Which is absolutely not true. She has a habit of lying.

Ugh. I don't even want to go into our actual wedding or her horrible passive-aggressiveness and manipulation.

And now my brother-in-law, someone I actually thought was my friend, is turning against me because I can't go to his wedding. I was never going to go. Since all the crap that happened at mine, I don't like weddings at all. I don't really go to any weddings. And this one? Are you kidding me? I can't forgive someone who isn't sorry. Not yet, anyway. It's all very hurtful for me, and he is truly just a victim. I know he knows that my indignation against his mom is more important to me than showing up to some show. A show they claim to care that I go to, but only told me about on Saturday. It's not like there isn't another one planned, so I don't see why this is so important. But I won't be going to either of them. I never want to see his mom again unless she can explain her actions and the actions of her family. Honestly, what the hell had I done to them (before I got married, at least. I've been extremely wrathful since)?

I wish I'd just not tried at this point. But I do want to be his friend...so maybe I'll have to go. I really don't want to though. It's the last place I want to be. Ah blackmail...very effective.

PKD?

You know how I used to be obsessed with it? How I'd spend hours looking for scientific articles to try and project my progress? I can't tell you how many calculations of growth I've made based on every hint of uniform progression rates (everyone progresses differently with PKD). How I constantly mulled over facts and researched any discrepancies? You get the idea.

Well, nowadays I forget that I even have it.

I can't remember the last time I looked up an article or had a question about it. When I get asked about it, people comment on how chill I am. Well...they've always done that, but I used to be like: "Really? Because I'm freaking out!" It's just not an issue I get reminded of. I've learned how to take extra care of myself to avoid UTIs. My body seems to hurt less lately. It's probably the gabapentin, now that I think of it.

Anyway, my point is that it's no longer on my mind all the time. When it does come to mind, I panic. It's an indescribable horror to know your body is designed to kill you. It's programmed to kill you. Luckily though, it's just not a big deal right now and I'm free to live it up until about age 30 or when I get pregnant.

I could be more grateful.

Challenge must have been accepted, because I am more grateful today than I was yesterday.

I'm a very grateful person. There are many times where I just sit silently in my apartment and think of all the blessings I have. Just having that apartment, a warm place to call home that I share with the my soulmate, is a gift. There is just TOO much to be grateful for to not notice. And I do realize there is much that I don't even notice. I am grateful for that too.

Anyway, my point is that I'm just so grateful for basically everything that it's a challenge to find something new to be grateful for. But it happened today.

I went to class because I managed to stay up long enough to get to it. If I'd gone to sleep, I would've been toast, and I've been toast for the past month. I got to class and felt surprisingly good. Like...comfortable. Like myself, but I've ranted about that before, so you get the picture. Until I realized we were doing another practical and that I had to work as a team with my class (a grand total of 4 other students). I heavily contemplated getting the EFF out of dodge, but I had to suck it up so I could talk to the teacher afterward and beg to get a passing grade.

I actually had nothing to be scared of. It was pretty easy, I could actually talk to people - a foreign experience, and I was able to be physically near people without a flinch (seriously, this stuff is a miracle-worker). I got to collect the evidence too, so that was fun!

So that finally ended and all had gone well. As we were wrapping up the crime scene sketch and report, I was having an internal battle in my brain. I didn't want to embarrass myself by telling my teacher about my problems. I didn't want to use it as an excuse. I'd probably cry. Maybe he'd let me get away with missing 4 of the 5 practicals??? I wussed out and decided to just not do anything. I was too scared.

But the teacher gestured to me as I was leaving the classroom. Dead meat. He waited unitl everyone was gone to tell me that, after all the graded assignments were put in, I'd not have enough points to pass the class. I'd resigned myself to that fate, so I wasn't too upset. He asked what I wanted him to do. I just told him I was sorry and that I should've done more and I'd been trying to fix it by seeing a therapist.

But then something weird happened. He seemed to really understand. I could see it in his eyes. He asked if I was taking my medication (something he completely guessed at). And I said I liked the gabapentin, but I wasn't taking the paxil. He shook his head, still with compassion in his eyes and said: "You need to take your medication. They prescribe it for a reason." He explained that he didn't like giving incomplete grades because the class is mostly practicals. Then he said he would make a deal that, if I turned in my assignments and participated in the final practical, he'd let me have a C.

That's about when the tears came. I told him it was more than I could've asked for. I can't believe how compassionate he was. And I was so embarrasssed. He went on to say he wished I'd been to class more because I "could've learned a lot" and that I "seemed to catch on to things quickly" (which, from him, was like getting a gold medal).

I always thought he was cool, he just seemed...military still. He was in the military CSI and he is just very analytical, practical, and sharp as a tac. He'd smoke while overseeing our practicals. Even close enough for me to get second-hand. I loved it! He just didn't strike me as the type who'd even believe in mental illness. But I guess that's stupid in hindsight, since he's worked so many crime scenes where mentally ill people are perpetrators or victims.

Anyway, this is such an incredible act of mercy. I couldn't be more grateful to him. I asked if I could give him a hug in the end and he said yes. It was awesome.