On second thought..

I really don't know how to feel about being blackmailed.

I'm used to deception. I've lived with it all my life. It's managed to weave it's way into nearly every meaningful relationship I've had. Yet I still feel this way every time. Betrayed, I guess. Like my relationships are not unconditional.

I'm used to it, so I'm not upset exactly. I'm just...disappointed. That's the word.

He didn't understand. He still doesn't. My main reason for not going was my beef with his mom, but he's also had a hard time accepting that his fiance and I are different. Completely different people with completely different values and thresholds of acceptability. She's also loud, and I hate loudness. I'll go ahead and blame the hypervigilence for that.

Either way, I can accept different people. It's NOT that at all. If it was just that, I'd have been much more receptive to a relationship with her (and his relationship with her). The problems come from his own words. I was leery about his previous relationship because he was Hell-bent on coming home, baptizing her, and marrying her. That was weird. Maybe he gets that now but, when I told him I was worried, his gf had already broken off the relationship. You wouldn't have been able to tell. He was still sure there was a possibility of doing that. She broke up with him because he was too obsessive.

So what am I supposed to think when, the first time I see his new gf, they have damn rings on their fingers? We'd asked him the day before during casual conversation: "What if you break up with her?" And he said it's unlikely because she received revelation about it. We told him it could mean anything. Like...a church teacher of mine got a revelation of the same kind and proposed and she said no. He later met his eternal companion. It could mean anything. And he'd just gotten off his mission and he was saying that.

They don't seem happy together. I mean, she never seems happy, but he doesn't smile or laugh around her. He insists he is, but maybe I just don't know him enough to tell. And then he later told us that he'd been unsure of wether or not she was pressuring him into it or if he really wanted it. He didn't pray about it, he went to a therapist to tell him that. Not good. Red flag. If you can't even pray about it, you must be afraid of the truth. Meanwhile, she was buying him so many gifts. Like seducing him.

And it's all just moving way too fast. They've spent like...no time together. They're still in the new relationship phase, where everything is great. Everything is new and fun. And he won't talk about the relationship with anyone. He hides it. What am I supposed to think then?

But I received a similar revelation exactly 3 months in. It wasn't so direct, but I knew I would marry Stephen. So who am I to say hers didn't happen? Stephen and I spent every second together. He made me happy, and everyone could tell. We took pictures and wrote on eachother's walls. We told people we were engaged. It's just weird and sneaky to me and he hasn't been forthcoming about this whole thing. How can you expect someone with my personality and mental illnesses to react?

Naturally I was skeptical, scared, and upset. I didn't want him to get into something too deep and miss out on his real soulmate. I realize there is a lot I don't know about their relationship because of the secrecy. I just wish I could trust his judgement. I don't.

Anyway, those were my reservations. Because of those, I was not supportive of this relationship. He doesn't even realize. He probably thinks I'm petty and that's why he thought it was okay to blackmail me. Saying we weren't friends if I didn't go. What could I do then? I had to go.

But now I don't know if I even want to be friends with someone who would do that to me. If he didn't want to go to my wedding, I would've understood. Mostly because the majority of my guests also didn't want to be there and I really only cared about getting married to Stephen, not the show.

I'm just disappointed.