Full-time

It's blurry.

I'm in a training program right now and it's kicking my butt! It's hard to do school and full-time work. Very hard. Even though I found a great job, I wish I'd waited to find one. This is my future, and the job is just a temporary provider.

Anyway, having all this going on has given me a small taste of the downsides of full-time work. My house is in constant disarray, my husband begins to look unkempt, dishes pile up, and my stress manifests as arguments with my husband. I'm less happy, despite having less worry about money.

Because everything is beginning to fall apart, I worry if I should even try to get a career anymore. Me having a life causes tumult in my home now, what if we had kids? Just one kid? They'd be so neglected! And, if I ever do become a parent, I want to be a good one.

On top of that, I'm experiencing acute stress on a daily basis. My stomach is getting noticeably bigger because of the cortisol. For some reason, perhaps because I'm so aroused from stress, I experience extreme vaginal discharge. It's freaking me out, honestly.

My job itself isn't stressful, I just worry about getting there on time and there are people present. They don't even hardly speak English. I am alone most of the time. And yet, I'm still THAT stressed out. Maybe I'm just not cut out for work. That worries me too.

If we were to ever have kids, it just seems like any more investment in my career is useless. I can't really handle both.

That just makes me very sad.

Intrapersonal

At first glance, being intrapersonally intelligent is stupid. It's generally the last in the list of intelligences. Probably because it's rare, perhaps more likely because it's the least useful. Honestly. It's easy to see how naturalistic intelligence can help with farming and food, logistic/mathematical intelligence with engineering and science, spacial intelligence with art and creation, linguistic intelligence with practically everything...

They are all so obviously useful and beneficial to others. Intrapersonal? Not so much. What is so good about being in-tune with and knowing your own self? How does that help anyone?

My conclusion (a half-baked one) is that we can be examples, at least, and very empathetic at best. Introspection is the star quality in intrapersonally intelligent people. It's second-nature to reflect and disect our feelings, thoughts, motivations, strengths, and weaknesses. Generally, this breeds ethical behavior and motivations along with self-regulation.

From Udemy blog's Jesamine's article on intrapersonal intelligence:

Introspection

Introspection is the deliberate act of looking inward in order to gain insight into the nature of one’s own thoughts or feelings. An introspective person wants to understand why he or she thinks, feel,s or acts in a certain way, not as a means of justification, but rather as a means to better understand what might be working “behind the scenes”. If he or she uncovers jealousy or envy, then that will further be explored. Where does the jealousy come from?  Why am I envious? If fear is discovered, then he or she will want to go to the roots of that fear in order to find out where it started.  A person who has explored his or her inner depths in such a way develops an entirely different level of ethical awareness, one that goes far beyond the simplicity of a conventional ethical system."

Reading this has helped me understand why I annoy my MIL so much when I ask why she does/has done certain things. From whay I've been reading, it's just not normal for people to analyze their actions so deeply. They don't sit there for hours thinking about the patterns and motivations behind them. It may also be why she thinks I'm selfish. Thinking about myself all the time certainly does seem selfish!

But it has it's place. Introspection and self-awareness are important. Most of all, I think it fosters empathy and exploration of the feelings of others. We're naturally equipped to ask the deeper questions, we just need to help others apply it to themselves. 

All said, it's still the most self-serving of all the intelligences, and I'm not proud it's the most prevalent in my persona, but it's there. 

My therapist

I don't know how much longer I have with my therapist, but I'm already devastated. Ending therapy isn't a choice, but insurance only lasts so long. We've had a little over 50 sessions now. I've gotten so much better. He gave me hope, he made me feel like a worthwhile person instead of a chronic screw-up. He let me be myself, and helped me find my best self. He gave me a chance at a new life and happiness. I never thought I wouldn't look forward to dying. He, in more ways than one, saved my life.

I don't want to let go of such an important person in my life. I'm not ready for this. I can't stop crying.

I want him to see me succeed. I want him to know what he's done for me. I want him to be proud. I also worry I'll need him when I go back to school and get another job. All the hard things are coming up, what if I need help?

I don't know. It just feels like I'm losing such an important person in my life. How can I thank him? How do you say goodbye to someone like that?

Keeping it up

Things are moving right along in Vanessa world. It's absolutely horrifying - every. single. step - but it has to be done. Answering the door, answering the phone, being outside my house, holding decent conversations... All the stuff of nightmares. It needs to happen as frequently as possible so I can break the bonds of this disabling force in my life. It has to happen, and I finally have the energy and drive to accomplish something like that (now that the depression has mysteriously disappeared).

That being said, I'm healthy enough to go back to school! I applied today. I'm still going after the field of death investigation, but I'm doing a different program than anything I've done before. Another new start, and I'm determined to make it my last. It needs to be a secret, because I've jinxed and embarrassed myself enough! Unfortunately, people are always asking what you're up to when you're my age, so that's going to be difficult to dodge.

Anyway, this has been a bunch of self- indulgent frivolity. I'm just excited!

Church things.

Toward the end of last year, as I was getting healthier, I found it easier to go to church. My attendance improved from "rare" to "often". Church was still largely uncomfortable at best. My skin crawled, and I found it hard to concentrate on talks because of it. There was no blood, but plenty of sweat and tears on the road to righteousness.

I just felt better about myself when I'd spend some time at church on Sunday. Like I fed a compulsion. Soon, it was time to do tithing settlements. It wasn't hard to admit that we hadn't paid tithing, but it was uncomfortable when I was told we could begin paying and be considered full tithe-payers. I don't like easy-way-outs when it comes to repentance. Still, it planted the idea that we should be real full tithe-payers. 

Neither of us had ever had a positive experience paying tithing. You'd always hear about miraculous events happening to people who sacrificed for the sake of tithing...never happened to us. But we have had a distant want to be sealed for a couple of years, so we figured this would be just another rung on the ladder toward that.

Not so.

Ever since our first tithing payment, I've noticed a big difference in what most people would attribute as "luck". Seriously. So many small things that would always go wrong just started to go right. My life was plagued with things going wrong, or being harder than they needed to be. I got two jobs that I shouldn't have gotten at all. Two jobs I wouldn't have gotten. When I ask for help for the most trivial upsets, the upsets disappear! It's difficult to explain, but there has been quite the difference.

Stephen is getting his patriarchal blessing on Sunday. We saw the temple together. We're actually going places now. And, when we recently ran out of money, the bishop offered us food through the storehouse. We got so much fresh food, things we couldn't normally eat because of the price. It's been awesome, we're so grateful!

Anyway, my grandpa and I were talking about it, and he said that "your money is where your heart is." It's true. And it's about time our hearts were in the right place.

Since these changes, for some reason, I'm finally understanding the bigger picture of this life. It's to be happy, sure, but also to serve God. To basically prove ourselves, and prove that we will choose God. Don't you think? 

Which leads me to my next point. For the first time, I'm feeling close to equal to men. Like we women actually are valuable. Not sure most LDS men are convinced, but I know God feels that way. For the first time, I feel alright sacrificing basically everything to make bodies for God's spirit children. I never really wanted kids. I still DON'T, but I am happy to serve in what ways I can. 

So there's my learning experience. I just don't want to forget any of this. The numerous blessings from tithing, the kindness from our ward, and the acceptance of what my body is capable of (presumably).

An old "friend"

Unfortunately, I feel I'm getting depressed again. About a week ago, I just woke up feeling like a ton of bricks. Just heavy and sluggish. SO tired. A level of fatigue I haven't felt in months. It hasn't let up at all since. My mind is slowly allowing more self- doubt in. Familiar biological dysfunctions are kicking in. I'm terrified it's coming back.

Tim is pushing extra hard for me to keep busy, probably to avoid dwelling on things. My motivation towards school is dwindling. I don't know if I should even bother anymore. I don't feel like I can push myself through school anymore. At least, I have doubts. 

I don't want this to happen, so I'll do what I can to keep it away and try to get something for the biological issues.

Honesty

My life is an alienating, obnoxiously open book. I strive to be honest in all my dealings. Sometimes I suffer for it (in big, obvious ways and in small ways), but I still think it's worth it to be honest.

I think a lot of people are under the impression that, if you're honest, you'll be rewarded, or good things will/should happen. It's really unrealistic, and I blame movies and Disney for perpetuating that idea. The only guaranteed reward for being honest is knowing you did the right thing.

I remember the very incident that made me actively try to develope this bothrsome trait. When I was little, I was extremely intimidated by my dad. He was the disciplinarian, as are most fathers in our culture. I hated being in trouble, but it never occured to me to avoid it. Like most little kids, I'd lie. All the time. I'm still ashamed.

But anyway, one day, my sister and I were taking a bath. We had to be about 7 years old. For some dumb reason, I was at the sink, filling a bowl and pouring it over my head. Over and over, I did this while standing on a carpeted floor. Who has carpeting in their bathroom? My parents, that's who.

Soon enough, my dad came barging in, spanks ready to be delivered. He yelled, asking what we were doing. What were we thinking? He oddly took the time to explain to us what was happening to the soaked carpet (and floorboards) beneath my feet.

Normally, I'd try to give some dumb excuse or lie my face off, but I said: "I'm sorry, I didn't realize what I was doing." or something similar. That's when, instead of the inevitable, my dad calmed down, his wild eyes faded, and he said: "because you told the truth, you won't get spanked." or something similar.

Later, as my sister and I tucked into bed, she whispered to me: "what made you tell the truth?" I actually didn't know. And I still don't, but her asking me that filled me with what I can only describe as pride. And I didn't want that feeling to go away. Hence my ultra-annoying trait was born.

But today I was trying to figure out why I think it's so important to be honest and open, and why I wish everyone were more open. Why I'm so nosy. Why I feel SO weird when other people don't respond/ respond well to my honesty. I thought it was good to be honest. Is there really such a thing as too honest? Or too open? Why does it make people uncomfortable?

That's a series of questions I don't think I'll ever be able to answer, except for one. I know why I think it's important for people to be honest and open. Just think of how much better the world would be.

It's kind of difficult to imagine, but if everyone were more open about their lives, people would be able to empathize more. They'd be less worried about their own problems because they'd realize they aren't alone in them. There would be no facade that anyone is perfectly happy - and that's harder and harder to see, given social media. It's stigmatic to post anything negative.

And being honest is tricky, because honesty sometimes has to take a backseat to kindness. It's a balance - just like justice and mercy. There should be a balance of both. But I mean people should be more genuine, I guess. Like...I strongly feel that everyone wants the same thing, ultimately. Everyone realizes that we all make mistakes. So we should be honest with ourselves. How we feel. How others feel. If we can empathize more, we can forgive more.

It's pretty much common knowledge now, given the public's fascination with muderers, that we can easily treat others less humanely when we dehimanize and distance ourselves from them. Hearing peoples' struggles (as well as triumphs) more often would go a long way toward closing that distance and even making us all less lonely.

Anyway...I just really think we'd all be better off if we were waaaaay more open and honest. My uneducated 2 cents.