I don't know what it is, but lately I've been feeling really alone. Even though my husband is always there, it's like he would leave me at any moment. We have a strong bond, and I know it's there, but I just can't feel it right now. I don't see my friends much anymore. I don't see my family that much and, when I do, PKD always manages to work itself into a conversation and they don't want to talk about it too much. I asked if my parents would be tested (because my sister gave clues that she is concerned she could have it) and my other sister replied that "no one wants to be tested".
Which I can understand, but I highly doubt any of them actually have it. With my mom, it would have been seen in the ultrasounds with her pregnancies. My dad is about 60 and has no PKD-related health issues other than high blood pressure. It doesn't skip generations. I am convinced that I'm a spontaneous mutation, but I can't seem to convince them of that. I'd like them to get tested so they'd stop worrying and we can talk about it. I understand though. I can't imagine what they could be going through, but they shouldn't have to go through it. In the worst-case scenario, I'd at least have someone to suffer with. Maybe that makes me selfish. It's just another thing that alienates me from others.
And aside from all of this, I can't seem to function. I don't really know what I'm wasting my time doing, but I can't sleep anymore. I can't gather the courage to go to class or church anymore. What am I doing to myself? I feel like I'm letting everyone down. I make it to work, but I only have a few shifts a week. However, I certainly don't want to work more. I'm so tired. I feel like I'm doing everything when I'm really not doing anything. And that makes me worry even more! Like I'm going to fail school. Like I'm going to need the church's help for something and they'll see that I haven't been and they can't help me. Like work is going to get so disruptive and difficult that I'll have to quit. Like my body is quitting, but I know it has many good years left in it. I know school's just started and I can fix my problems. I can be more committed to go to church. So why is this happening?
Monday, June 30, 2014
Friday, June 27, 2014
My heart hurts.
Yes, I am a bleeding heart, but I'm starting to wonder if that is applicable in more than just a figurative way.
As you may or may not know, 1 in 4 PKD people develop mitral valve prolapse. It's a heart valve thing that makes it so a valve doesn't close properly, and blood leaks backwards into yadda yadda yadda. It's usually not even a big deal if you have it, but it does cause heart pain and fatigue and whathaveyou. Left ventricular hypertrophy is even more common, and there is a slightly increased risk for different heart regurgitations than the general population.
50% Of PKD patients die of heart complications rather than kidney failure. I have been getting weird bouts of tachycardia and some heart pain here and there. Only occasionally has it been bad enough to really worry me. I just want to make sure my heart is okay. Should get it checked...
As you may or may not know, 1 in 4 PKD people develop mitral valve prolapse. It's a heart valve thing that makes it so a valve doesn't close properly, and blood leaks backwards into yadda yadda yadda. It's usually not even a big deal if you have it, but it does cause heart pain and fatigue and whathaveyou. Left ventricular hypertrophy is even more common, and there is a slightly increased risk for different heart regurgitations than the general population.
50% Of PKD patients die of heart complications rather than kidney failure. I have been getting weird bouts of tachycardia and some heart pain here and there. Only occasionally has it been bad enough to really worry me. I just want to make sure my heart is okay. Should get it checked...
Thursday, June 26, 2014
Dumbest thing.
Alright. I know this is a hot-button issue for most people, especially where I live. But I'm not trying to argue anything today. I'm not trying to fight for what I have concluded in my mind to be right.
But I have been thinking, because of recent events, about gay marriage.
I know, I know. But it's not so much about the issue itself, as it is about all the dumb things I've heard said about it. On either side. Many young people for gay marriage say to "get with the times" and that is about the dumbest reason I can think of to be behind something. Don't just go with the crowd for any reason, much less for a social justice reason. For many old people against it, "it's unnatural". Well, who are you to say whether it is or not? You aren't gay. And, if you want to go by science, there are many species that practice homophilia. Just sayin'.
These are just two of the millions of examples of stupidity on either side. But I have to say that the dumbest thing I've ever heard was from an opponent of gay marriage. I'm always open to hearing reasons behind an argument. I try to be agnostic (for lack of a better word) about hot-button issues because there is a reason there is no clear answer. Usually.
But anyway, a conversation I was having with this person turned to a gay relative of hers and the frivolous reasons she thought this person could not actually be gay. I don't know. I honestly don't know if her relative is truly gar or not, why she would identify herself that way, or anything else. However, this person's argument was that her relative always used to get into trouble with boys. She was boy-crazy, so there was no way her relative could be gay.
Well...you can't view it so plainly. Perhaps she got into trouble with boys because she was trying to get herself to like them. Perhaps she was experimenting. Perhaps she really isn't gay, but you can't use that as evidence. It's not even circumstantial, it's an absolute nonsensical way to support an irrational conclusion.
But that wasn't the dumb thing. As the "conversation", and I use that term lightly since I had no interest in entertaining these absurdities (and this person always thinks she's right about everything), continued into a gay rights area, she then blurted out: "We're just asking them not to have sex."
I had to facepalm myself in my mind. Absolutely NOT, in any way, is that what you're asking them not to do. And who is "we're"? I'm very openly for gay rights, so I'm not "we're".
I digress, to say something like "We're just asking them not to have sex.", you have to first assume that marriage is just about sex. Being a, I presume, good mormon girl your whole life, I can see where you might think marriage is all about sex. That's all you ever hear about when it comes to marriage is that it's sacred and you get to have sex.
So yes, I can see where that comes from, but I have to disagree. Marriage, at least my marriage, was out of love, out of necessity. Because I needed this man in my life. I couldn't imagine being without him. I felt something for him that I hadn't felt about another person, not even my family. No offense, it's just a different kind of love.
So maybe marriage has only been about sex for you, but for the rest of us, it's about love. So no, you're not just asking them not to have sex. Besides that, I can assume that most of them are already having sex. Most people are already having sex before marriage (not condoning or bashing this, I am not the right person to do that). So making them unable to get married just means they aren't married, not that they're not having sex.
Honestly, I can't remember why I didn't argue with her. Maybe it was because I was tired. Maybe I wanted to be civil. Maybe I thought she was beyond reasoning, and she can be, but she's smart. She's a very intelligent person otherwise. But I think I'm glad I didn't. That is a hole in which you can only dig yourself deeper.
EDIT: Oh yeah, I also think about all those people who bring up that one gay mormon guy who says he chose it or whatever. Or that other one who is gay but remains married to his wife. Good for him. Good for his wife...I guess? I'd hate to be his wife, personally, but whatever. Anyway, my point is that is 1 or 2 of every 1 in 10 people who is gay. That is a very small minority. It's like when I saw a fitness instructor on the internet who has PKD. She says I have PKD and I don't use excuses. Well, that's good for her, but PKD is different for everyone. Some peoples' kidneys are too big to be doing crunches without popping a few - and that is excruciating. Some people are dead by her age. People have different sizes and number of cysts.
Anyway, an afterthought, if you will.
But I have been thinking, because of recent events, about gay marriage.
I know, I know. But it's not so much about the issue itself, as it is about all the dumb things I've heard said about it. On either side. Many young people for gay marriage say to "get with the times" and that is about the dumbest reason I can think of to be behind something. Don't just go with the crowd for any reason, much less for a social justice reason. For many old people against it, "it's unnatural". Well, who are you to say whether it is or not? You aren't gay. And, if you want to go by science, there are many species that practice homophilia. Just sayin'.
These are just two of the millions of examples of stupidity on either side. But I have to say that the dumbest thing I've ever heard was from an opponent of gay marriage. I'm always open to hearing reasons behind an argument. I try to be agnostic (for lack of a better word) about hot-button issues because there is a reason there is no clear answer. Usually.
But anyway, a conversation I was having with this person turned to a gay relative of hers and the frivolous reasons she thought this person could not actually be gay. I don't know. I honestly don't know if her relative is truly gar or not, why she would identify herself that way, or anything else. However, this person's argument was that her relative always used to get into trouble with boys. She was boy-crazy, so there was no way her relative could be gay.
Well...you can't view it so plainly. Perhaps she got into trouble with boys because she was trying to get herself to like them. Perhaps she was experimenting. Perhaps she really isn't gay, but you can't use that as evidence. It's not even circumstantial, it's an absolute nonsensical way to support an irrational conclusion.
But that wasn't the dumb thing. As the "conversation", and I use that term lightly since I had no interest in entertaining these absurdities (and this person always thinks she's right about everything), continued into a gay rights area, she then blurted out: "We're just asking them not to have sex."
I had to facepalm myself in my mind. Absolutely NOT, in any way, is that what you're asking them not to do. And who is "we're"? I'm very openly for gay rights, so I'm not "we're".
I digress, to say something like "We're just asking them not to have sex.", you have to first assume that marriage is just about sex. Being a, I presume, good mormon girl your whole life, I can see where you might think marriage is all about sex. That's all you ever hear about when it comes to marriage is that it's sacred and you get to have sex.
So yes, I can see where that comes from, but I have to disagree. Marriage, at least my marriage, was out of love, out of necessity. Because I needed this man in my life. I couldn't imagine being without him. I felt something for him that I hadn't felt about another person, not even my family. No offense, it's just a different kind of love.
So maybe marriage has only been about sex for you, but for the rest of us, it's about love. So no, you're not just asking them not to have sex. Besides that, I can assume that most of them are already having sex. Most people are already having sex before marriage (not condoning or bashing this, I am not the right person to do that). So making them unable to get married just means they aren't married, not that they're not having sex.
Honestly, I can't remember why I didn't argue with her. Maybe it was because I was tired. Maybe I wanted to be civil. Maybe I thought she was beyond reasoning, and she can be, but she's smart. She's a very intelligent person otherwise. But I think I'm glad I didn't. That is a hole in which you can only dig yourself deeper.
EDIT: Oh yeah, I also think about all those people who bring up that one gay mormon guy who says he chose it or whatever. Or that other one who is gay but remains married to his wife. Good for him. Good for his wife...I guess? I'd hate to be his wife, personally, but whatever. Anyway, my point is that is 1 or 2 of every 1 in 10 people who is gay. That is a very small minority. It's like when I saw a fitness instructor on the internet who has PKD. She says I have PKD and I don't use excuses. Well, that's good for her, but PKD is different for everyone. Some peoples' kidneys are too big to be doing crunches without popping a few - and that is excruciating. Some people are dead by her age. People have different sizes and number of cysts.
Anyway, an afterthought, if you will.
Mental Health
As you well know, I have mental health issues. I've tried a few different antidepressants with some luck, and a tranquilizer with a vast amount of more luck. But nothing has been safe and effective.
So my anxiety goes untreated. And that is really hard. I stay up all night sometimes worrying about things I can't do anything about. And I know I can't, and my doctor suggested that realizing this would help, but it doesn't. I still worry. Due to my anxiety, social and otherwise, I get depressed. It isn't chronic, it comes and goes in the forms of deep bouts of severe and longer periods of moderate/light, with normality in between.
Anyway, my point wasn't to be too clinical and whine-y. I just wanted to vent somewhere about how I need a break. I need a mental health year. I just want to not have anything to do or anyone to see. Not that most people are horrible or anything. On the contrary, most people who want to reach out to me are very kind, thoughtful people.
That just doesn't matter though. I'm still anxious when they want to talk with me or give me things. I haven't seen my visiting teachers in forever and it's not because they haven't tried to set meetings up, I just never want to do them. I don't want to leave my house or even get dressed sometimes. I just want to sleep or eat. Maybe watch TV or play games, but that sometimes gives me negative/anxious feelings.
I don't know. Today I decided I wasn't doing anything. I decided not to go to school, not to worry about homework, not to worry about money, global warming, socializing, my future, babies, getting sick, world suffering, dishes, nothing. And I'm doing okay. I'm still not dressed, and it's nearly 5pm.
I could really use more of these breaks.
So my anxiety goes untreated. And that is really hard. I stay up all night sometimes worrying about things I can't do anything about. And I know I can't, and my doctor suggested that realizing this would help, but it doesn't. I still worry. Due to my anxiety, social and otherwise, I get depressed. It isn't chronic, it comes and goes in the forms of deep bouts of severe and longer periods of moderate/light, with normality in between.
Anyway, my point wasn't to be too clinical and whine-y. I just wanted to vent somewhere about how I need a break. I need a mental health year. I just want to not have anything to do or anyone to see. Not that most people are horrible or anything. On the contrary, most people who want to reach out to me are very kind, thoughtful people.
That just doesn't matter though. I'm still anxious when they want to talk with me or give me things. I haven't seen my visiting teachers in forever and it's not because they haven't tried to set meetings up, I just never want to do them. I don't want to leave my house or even get dressed sometimes. I just want to sleep or eat. Maybe watch TV or play games, but that sometimes gives me negative/anxious feelings.
I don't know. Today I decided I wasn't doing anything. I decided not to go to school, not to worry about homework, not to worry about money, global warming, socializing, my future, babies, getting sick, world suffering, dishes, nothing. And I'm doing okay. I'm still not dressed, and it's nearly 5pm.
I could really use more of these breaks.
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Conversations with myself
When I use public transit, I don't have a phone, Ipod, or laptop with me. This is because I like to enjoy the scenery and live in the moment. I also let my mind ponder incomplete thoughts I've had, or complete thoughts that I want to revisit and revise. I'm not sure what the point of this post is, but I felt like sharing for some reason.
#1: I think I will not be a viable candidate to dialyze due to my small veins. And I don't think I want a transplant. I don't think I'd feel good about it and the pills and bowel-bursting risks and all that...I don't know anymore. I was also thinking of our friend's wife with cystic fibrosis and how awful that disease is. I wish I could help, but my disease is nothing comparatively.
#2: Real altruism must be very rare. I don't think most people do good things for no reason, especially when it comes to helping others. You always get something out of helping others. Maybe you're trying to gain good points to offset bad points. Maybe you're helping because you want to, but you still get good feels from it. Maybe you're helping others because you're instructed to, because it's expected of you. So are you really doing a good thing?
I think so. A good thing is still a good thing. Helping others is still helping others, but it's an odd bird because you're always getting something from it. For me even, I like helping others because it gives me a purpose. According to my blessing, it says service will bring me true happiness. I'm getting something from it. It's weird.
#3: My sister mentioned that the only two times she's been pulled over was when she was with a black friend of hers. I was thinking about what I'd said earlier about cops, and whether or not that applied to this situation. Cops can tell the difference between semi-reckless, good kids and kids that are up to no good. I happen to know that one of the times was because my sister was speeding to catch a movie.
Correlation does not equal causation. My sister made the connection that, because she was with her black friend when she was pulled over, means her black friend is the cause of being pulled over. I think it has much more to do with the psychology of the group. When friends are amongst friends (at least the bubbly kind my sister is and associates with), they act a little hyper. They loosen up. I think my sister was simply speeding with her friends in the car because they were having fun and were late to a movie. I doubt the other time is so different.
It's a theory, at least. It's still completely possible that the cops were just racist.
#4: I keep getting things handed to me lately. It started with my bishop. I have said before how he kept asking and asking if he could help with anything, and we kept saying no until the final time, when I told him I was really stressed about our medical bills. He then offered to take care of them as long as I could reduce the bill as much as possible. I was and still am incredibly grateful for this. I literally had no idea he could do that for us. But then, later, I got a bill in the mail for a class I was registered for at Snow College. I was trying to get in the class before it filled up for the next semester. This was before Stephen and I decided to leave Snow. We left, and I completely forgot about the class. I ended up with a $700 or so bill, which I completely deserve - it was my mistake. But I emailed Snow anyway, asking them if they could remove the grade from my transcript. They have since offered even better - to dismiss the charges and take the class off my transcript.
It's something I'm not used to. I had no idea these things happened. They never happened to me until now. And then today, in my class, my teacher has offered to let me make up a test. I said: "I chose to ditch that class, because I didn't study for the test, and I'd rather fail for free than pay to commute here." I said it wasn't fair to the other students, and he said that he decides what is fair. He must feel sympathy for me for some reason. Which is weird, because he doesn't know much about me, at least nothing about anything that could make him feel sorry for me.
I appreciate it. I appreciate the slack people have been cutting me. I need it, even though I hate to admit that. I feel overwhelmed. I feel tired, and I am worried sick. It's nice to have so many people looking out for me. This has never happened before. It's miraculous. I'll have to tell my bishop about it.
#5: By their fruits, ye shall know them. I decided to adopt this into my life because I have always, always had a hard time telling if someone was a good person or not. I think everyone is a good person inherently, and we all have those good qualities, but that some of us make bad choices or do hurtful things to others for various reasons. But I later learned that there are...*I still can't really accept the term* "bad" people. People who don't care that they've hurt others. Sociopaths, or at least pretend sociopaths.
Lately, I've decided to try to cut someone out of my life. This person has done many nice things for me. I can still list all of them. I remember all of them, and I'm still grateful. But this person has also been very conniving, unfair in his/her treatment of me and others, fake, evasive of the truth, and otherwise dishonest.
It's easy to cast someone off from you if all they've ever done is bad things, so I was confused. Finally, after careful observation to solidify or break my perceptions, I decided this person was not worth my time or feelings. S/he'd chronically send confusing messages and would not be upfront with me, and I can't handle that. S/he'd talk bad about my behind my back, a fact this person has lied about, but that I witnessed. S/he's welcome back into my life when s/he tells me what is really wrong. Because I've asked, and I've never gotten a straight answer. I can't trust anything s/he says anyway because I've been lied to so many times. And often not even lied to, but not told the truth. S/he's very good at avoiding answers.
This person's fruit is gross. Like honeydew or cantaloupe. So I will break it off for now until this person's misconceptions about me are faced. Dislike or hate me if you must, you could probably find a good reason to, but don't do it for no reason. I deserve better.
And that's all, folks!
#1: I think I will not be a viable candidate to dialyze due to my small veins. And I don't think I want a transplant. I don't think I'd feel good about it and the pills and bowel-bursting risks and all that...I don't know anymore. I was also thinking of our friend's wife with cystic fibrosis and how awful that disease is. I wish I could help, but my disease is nothing comparatively.
#2: Real altruism must be very rare. I don't think most people do good things for no reason, especially when it comes to helping others. You always get something out of helping others. Maybe you're trying to gain good points to offset bad points. Maybe you're helping because you want to, but you still get good feels from it. Maybe you're helping others because you're instructed to, because it's expected of you. So are you really doing a good thing?
I think so. A good thing is still a good thing. Helping others is still helping others, but it's an odd bird because you're always getting something from it. For me even, I like helping others because it gives me a purpose. According to my blessing, it says service will bring me true happiness. I'm getting something from it. It's weird.
#3: My sister mentioned that the only two times she's been pulled over was when she was with a black friend of hers. I was thinking about what I'd said earlier about cops, and whether or not that applied to this situation. Cops can tell the difference between semi-reckless, good kids and kids that are up to no good. I happen to know that one of the times was because my sister was speeding to catch a movie.
Correlation does not equal causation. My sister made the connection that, because she was with her black friend when she was pulled over, means her black friend is the cause of being pulled over. I think it has much more to do with the psychology of the group. When friends are amongst friends (at least the bubbly kind my sister is and associates with), they act a little hyper. They loosen up. I think my sister was simply speeding with her friends in the car because they were having fun and were late to a movie. I doubt the other time is so different.
It's a theory, at least. It's still completely possible that the cops were just racist.
#4: I keep getting things handed to me lately. It started with my bishop. I have said before how he kept asking and asking if he could help with anything, and we kept saying no until the final time, when I told him I was really stressed about our medical bills. He then offered to take care of them as long as I could reduce the bill as much as possible. I was and still am incredibly grateful for this. I literally had no idea he could do that for us. But then, later, I got a bill in the mail for a class I was registered for at Snow College. I was trying to get in the class before it filled up for the next semester. This was before Stephen and I decided to leave Snow. We left, and I completely forgot about the class. I ended up with a $700 or so bill, which I completely deserve - it was my mistake. But I emailed Snow anyway, asking them if they could remove the grade from my transcript. They have since offered even better - to dismiss the charges and take the class off my transcript.
It's something I'm not used to. I had no idea these things happened. They never happened to me until now. And then today, in my class, my teacher has offered to let me make up a test. I said: "I chose to ditch that class, because I didn't study for the test, and I'd rather fail for free than pay to commute here." I said it wasn't fair to the other students, and he said that he decides what is fair. He must feel sympathy for me for some reason. Which is weird, because he doesn't know much about me, at least nothing about anything that could make him feel sorry for me.
I appreciate it. I appreciate the slack people have been cutting me. I need it, even though I hate to admit that. I feel overwhelmed. I feel tired, and I am worried sick. It's nice to have so many people looking out for me. This has never happened before. It's miraculous. I'll have to tell my bishop about it.
#5: By their fruits, ye shall know them. I decided to adopt this into my life because I have always, always had a hard time telling if someone was a good person or not. I think everyone is a good person inherently, and we all have those good qualities, but that some of us make bad choices or do hurtful things to others for various reasons. But I later learned that there are...*I still can't really accept the term* "bad" people. People who don't care that they've hurt others. Sociopaths, or at least pretend sociopaths.
Lately, I've decided to try to cut someone out of my life. This person has done many nice things for me. I can still list all of them. I remember all of them, and I'm still grateful. But this person has also been very conniving, unfair in his/her treatment of me and others, fake, evasive of the truth, and otherwise dishonest.
It's easy to cast someone off from you if all they've ever done is bad things, so I was confused. Finally, after careful observation to solidify or break my perceptions, I decided this person was not worth my time or feelings. S/he'd chronically send confusing messages and would not be upfront with me, and I can't handle that. S/he'd talk bad about my behind my back, a fact this person has lied about, but that I witnessed. S/he's welcome back into my life when s/he tells me what is really wrong. Because I've asked, and I've never gotten a straight answer. I can't trust anything s/he says anyway because I've been lied to so many times. And often not even lied to, but not told the truth. S/he's very good at avoiding answers.
This person's fruit is gross. Like honeydew or cantaloupe. So I will break it off for now until this person's misconceptions about me are faced. Dislike or hate me if you must, you could probably find a good reason to, but don't do it for no reason. I deserve better.
And that's all, folks!
Hatred for OW
Too many people allow stupid things to make them hate others. Actually hate other people. You can literally hate what bothers you about others, but you should never allow that, or anything, to make you hate someone. That's wrong. I'd venture to say that it's evil.
Recently, a woman of my faith was tossed out of the faith for questioning a piece of gospel. Put simply, that's all it was, at least at the beginning. It has put nearly everyone in my faith in some shameless uproar where they berate, belittle, and hold undue hatred for the woman, and all those who followed her. It's been an embarrassing, saddening experience.
They did everything they could to make her into a bad person. They still say how she's in the minority, and she's besmirching the church, she's a feminist, she's stupid, she's apostate, she's an activist, she wants attention, she didn't take her husband's last name! But if you step back...Just. Step. Back. And look at the situation, you'll realize that you have no license to blame or judge her - especially if you couldn't possibly understand by not being a woman or, if you are a woman, not ever thinking about your role in life.
And you probably haven't if you don't understand where she comes from. After all, we're taught not to question our roles. We're taught to embrace these differences we have and pretend we're equal in the eyes of the church. We're simply not. WE'RE NOT. And that's okay.
What this woman was bothered by used to bug me. It really shook my faith for years. If we're so special and we're all equal (2Nephi 26:33), how do women not have the priesthood? Having babies is not the same thing, as some of us can't, and through no choice of our own. I'd literally risk my life trying to have babies. The only way to be denied the priesthood (since blacks were able to have it) is to be found unworthy. By choice. And there is no risking of lives involved.
Not equal.
But I found solace, that these women must not have found, in the scriptures. Words I've seen repeatedly laced throughout them with little variation; "through faith, all things are made possible." To me, this means that I'll be taken care of if I am faithful. Faith itself is your power. And that's all I need. It isn't logical that our God would not allow me to heal someone or help my family if I call upon him simply because I am female. He would help. I know he would. He has. I don't need to have the priesthood.
But these women haven't found what I have. They wander in an organization that seems so divided and unfair. Maybe it is, but they should seek a higher authority than the church, and that is God. They should know that man is fallible, and God is perfect. He knows an infinity of things we can't possibly understand. And we have to let him guide us and mould us how he sees fit.
Meanwhile, the rest of us should do nothing but love and serve our fellow man. We should be patient with their shortcomings and encourage them to find a higher understanding and peace through the life of our savior, his teachings, and the teachings of his faithful servants. Please stop the hatred. Stop the misunderstanding. Mourn our sister's loss, and hope for her return and peace of mind because I truly believe her when she says she loves this church.
Recently, a woman of my faith was tossed out of the faith for questioning a piece of gospel. Put simply, that's all it was, at least at the beginning. It has put nearly everyone in my faith in some shameless uproar where they berate, belittle, and hold undue hatred for the woman, and all those who followed her. It's been an embarrassing, saddening experience.
They did everything they could to make her into a bad person. They still say how she's in the minority, and she's besmirching the church, she's a feminist, she's stupid, she's apostate, she's an activist, she wants attention, she didn't take her husband's last name! But if you step back...Just. Step. Back. And look at the situation, you'll realize that you have no license to blame or judge her - especially if you couldn't possibly understand by not being a woman or, if you are a woman, not ever thinking about your role in life.
And you probably haven't if you don't understand where she comes from. After all, we're taught not to question our roles. We're taught to embrace these differences we have and pretend we're equal in the eyes of the church. We're simply not. WE'RE NOT. And that's okay.
What this woman was bothered by used to bug me. It really shook my faith for years. If we're so special and we're all equal (2Nephi 26:33), how do women not have the priesthood? Having babies is not the same thing, as some of us can't, and through no choice of our own. I'd literally risk my life trying to have babies. The only way to be denied the priesthood (since blacks were able to have it) is to be found unworthy. By choice. And there is no risking of lives involved.
Not equal.
But I found solace, that these women must not have found, in the scriptures. Words I've seen repeatedly laced throughout them with little variation; "through faith, all things are made possible." To me, this means that I'll be taken care of if I am faithful. Faith itself is your power. And that's all I need. It isn't logical that our God would not allow me to heal someone or help my family if I call upon him simply because I am female. He would help. I know he would. He has. I don't need to have the priesthood.
But these women haven't found what I have. They wander in an organization that seems so divided and unfair. Maybe it is, but they should seek a higher authority than the church, and that is God. They should know that man is fallible, and God is perfect. He knows an infinity of things we can't possibly understand. And we have to let him guide us and mould us how he sees fit.
Meanwhile, the rest of us should do nothing but love and serve our fellow man. We should be patient with their shortcomings and encourage them to find a higher understanding and peace through the life of our savior, his teachings, and the teachings of his faithful servants. Please stop the hatred. Stop the misunderstanding. Mourn our sister's loss, and hope for her return and peace of mind because I truly believe her when she says she loves this church.
Sunday, June 22, 2014
Life just keeps getting worse...
I am friends with a racist. I can't believe this could ever happen to me. I'm not even trying to be funny here. It literally breaks my heart.
He has said so many things in passing. Maybe that's why he's so quiet, because he knows what he thinks is wrong (or at least unacceptable to those around him). It's weird because he left me a couple of years ago and set off with the mindset that you should love your brothers and sisters. And now he came back like this?! It's so horrible. I don't want my possible kids going on missions if this is what will become of them. And I'm sure glad my husband didn't go.
And now I'm unsure of what to do...how to go on. If he wasn't my friend, he'd be gone by now, but he is my friend. I like things about him. I have fun when he's around. I care about him. I am loyal to him. But it hurts knowing that he feels this way about other people. What could he think of me? One day, I might be taking government handouts. God forbid, but I might not be a productive member of society. What then? Or is it okay because I'm white and I don't wear weaves?
It's just unbearable. I guess I should have known, as he was saying while he was out there that he didn't like that some woman, afflicted with multiple chronic illnesses, didn't have her dishes clean. Her house wasn't clean and it made him feel uncomfortable. Does he judge everyone this harshly?
He didn't dress that well in school. He scared people off because of what he wore. People missed out on meeting a neat guy because they judged him. And now he's doing that to others because of their skin? It's absolutely unacceptable. And it really hurts me. He saw anger from me. I yelled at him as coherently as I could at that point, but I am not angry, I am heartbroken.
No matter what you saw or didn't see out there, it doesn't justify the way you think. It doesn't justify you pulling the entire race into stereotypes. And I believe in stereotypes, but I know, because I have common sense, that not all people of any race are the same. They all have their reasons for what they do and who they are. They have environmental, economic, historic, and cultural reasons for each of their individual behaviors, like white people do, like Asians do, and every other race you can think of.
I'd like it if he took a sociology course. I think that could help him - and anyone who suffers from racism - to become more aware. I hope he will change at least, because I don't know how to deal with this aspect of him. I wish it didn't exist, and that would make things easier.
Damn this.
He has said so many things in passing. Maybe that's why he's so quiet, because he knows what he thinks is wrong (or at least unacceptable to those around him). It's weird because he left me a couple of years ago and set off with the mindset that you should love your brothers and sisters. And now he came back like this?! It's so horrible. I don't want my possible kids going on missions if this is what will become of them. And I'm sure glad my husband didn't go.
And now I'm unsure of what to do...how to go on. If he wasn't my friend, he'd be gone by now, but he is my friend. I like things about him. I have fun when he's around. I care about him. I am loyal to him. But it hurts knowing that he feels this way about other people. What could he think of me? One day, I might be taking government handouts. God forbid, but I might not be a productive member of society. What then? Or is it okay because I'm white and I don't wear weaves?
It's just unbearable. I guess I should have known, as he was saying while he was out there that he didn't like that some woman, afflicted with multiple chronic illnesses, didn't have her dishes clean. Her house wasn't clean and it made him feel uncomfortable. Does he judge everyone this harshly?
He didn't dress that well in school. He scared people off because of what he wore. People missed out on meeting a neat guy because they judged him. And now he's doing that to others because of their skin? It's absolutely unacceptable. And it really hurts me. He saw anger from me. I yelled at him as coherently as I could at that point, but I am not angry, I am heartbroken.
No matter what you saw or didn't see out there, it doesn't justify the way you think. It doesn't justify you pulling the entire race into stereotypes. And I believe in stereotypes, but I know, because I have common sense, that not all people of any race are the same. They all have their reasons for what they do and who they are. They have environmental, economic, historic, and cultural reasons for each of their individual behaviors, like white people do, like Asians do, and every other race you can think of.
I'd like it if he took a sociology course. I think that could help him - and anyone who suffers from racism - to become more aware. I hope he will change at least, because I don't know how to deal with this aspect of him. I wish it didn't exist, and that would make things easier.
Damn this.
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