Alone.

I don't know what it is, but lately I've been feeling really alone. Even though my husband is always there, it's like he would leave me at any moment. We have a strong bond, and I know it's there, but I just can't feel it right now. I don't see my friends much anymore. I don't see my family that much and, when I do, PKD always manages to work itself into a conversation and they don't want to talk about it too much. I asked if my parents would be tested (because my sister gave clues that she is concerned she could have it) and my other sister replied that "no one wants to be tested".

Which I can understand, but I highly doubt any of them actually have it. With my mom, it would have been seen in the ultrasounds with her pregnancies. My dad is about 60 and has no PKD-related health issues other than high blood pressure. It doesn't skip generations. I am convinced that I'm a spontaneous mutation, but I can't seem to convince them of that. I'd like them to get tested so they'd stop worrying and we can talk about it. I understand though. I can't imagine what they could be going through, but they shouldn't have to go through it. In the worst-case scenario, I'd at least have someone to suffer with. Maybe that makes me selfish. It's just another thing that alienates me from others.

And aside from all of this, I can't seem to function. I don't really know what I'm wasting my time doing, but I can't sleep anymore. I can't gather the courage to go to class or church anymore. What am I doing to myself? I feel like I'm letting everyone down. I make it to work, but I only have a few shifts a week. However, I certainly don't want to work more. I'm so tired. I feel like I'm doing everything when I'm really not doing anything. And that makes me worry even more! Like I'm going to fail school. Like I'm going to need the church's help for something and they'll see that I haven't been and they can't help me. Like work is going to get so disruptive and difficult that I'll have to quit. Like my body is quitting, but I know it has many good years left in it. I know school's just started and I can fix my problems. I can be more committed to go to church. So why is this happening?