When I use public transit, I don't have a phone, Ipod, or laptop with me. This is because I like to enjoy the scenery and live in the moment. I also let my mind ponder incomplete thoughts I've had, or complete thoughts that I want to revisit and revise. I'm not sure what the point of this post is, but I felt like sharing for some reason.
#1: I think I will not be a viable candidate to dialyze due to my small veins. And I don't think I want a transplant. I don't think I'd feel good about it and the pills and bowel-bursting risks and all that...I don't know anymore. I was also thinking of our friend's wife with cystic fibrosis and how awful that disease is. I wish I could help, but my disease is nothing comparatively.
#2: Real altruism must be very rare. I don't think most people do good things for no reason, especially when it comes to helping others. You always get something out of helping others. Maybe you're trying to gain good points to offset bad points. Maybe you're helping because you want to, but you still get good feels from it. Maybe you're helping others because you're instructed to, because it's expected of you. So are you really doing a good thing?
I think so. A good thing is still a good thing. Helping others is still helping others, but it's an odd bird because you're always getting something from it. For me even, I like helping others because it gives me a purpose. According to my blessing, it says service will bring me true happiness. I'm getting something from it. It's weird.
#3: My sister mentioned that the only two times she's been pulled over was when she was with a black friend of hers. I was thinking about what I'd said earlier about cops, and whether or not that applied to this situation. Cops can tell the difference between semi-reckless, good kids and kids that are up to no good. I happen to know that one of the times was because my sister was speeding to catch a movie.
Correlation does not equal causation. My sister made the connection that, because she was with her black friend when she was pulled over, means her black friend is the cause of being pulled over. I think it has much more to do with the psychology of the group. When friends are amongst friends (at least the bubbly kind my sister is and associates with), they act a little hyper. They loosen up. I think my sister was simply speeding with her friends in the car because they were having fun and were late to a movie. I doubt the other time is so different.
It's a theory, at least. It's still completely possible that the cops were just racist.
#4: I keep getting things handed to me lately. It started with my bishop. I have said before how he kept asking and asking if he could help with anything, and we kept saying no until the final time, when I told him I was really stressed about our medical bills. He then offered to take care of them as long as I could reduce the bill as much as possible. I was and still am incredibly grateful for this. I literally had no idea he could do that for us. But then, later, I got a bill in the mail for a class I was registered for at Snow College. I was trying to get in the class before it filled up for the next semester. This was before Stephen and I decided to leave Snow. We left, and I completely forgot about the class. I ended up with a $700 or so bill, which I completely deserve - it was my mistake. But I emailed Snow anyway, asking them if they could remove the grade from my transcript. They have since offered even better - to dismiss the charges and take the class off my transcript.
It's something I'm not used to. I had no idea these things happened. They never happened to me until now. And then today, in my class, my teacher has offered to let me make up a test. I said: "I chose to ditch that class, because I didn't study for the test, and I'd rather fail for free than pay to commute here." I said it wasn't fair to the other students, and he said that he decides what is fair. He must feel sympathy for me for some reason. Which is weird, because he doesn't know much about me, at least nothing about anything that could make him feel sorry for me.
I appreciate it. I appreciate the slack people have been cutting me. I need it, even though I hate to admit that. I feel overwhelmed. I feel tired, and I am worried sick. It's nice to have so many people looking out for me. This has never happened before. It's miraculous. I'll have to tell my bishop about it.
#5: By their fruits, ye shall know them. I decided to adopt this into my life because I have always, always had a hard time telling if someone was a good person or not. I think everyone is a good person inherently, and we all have those good qualities, but that some of us make bad choices or do hurtful things to others for various reasons. But I later learned that there are...*I still can't really accept the term* "bad" people. People who don't care that they've hurt others. Sociopaths, or at least pretend sociopaths.
Lately, I've decided to try to cut someone out of my life. This person has done many nice things for me. I can still list all of them. I remember all of them, and I'm still grateful. But this person has also been very conniving, unfair in his/her treatment of me and others, fake, evasive of the truth, and otherwise dishonest.
It's easy to cast someone off from you if all they've ever done is bad things, so I was confused. Finally, after careful observation to solidify or break my perceptions, I decided this person was not worth my time or feelings. S/he'd chronically send confusing messages and would not be upfront with me, and I can't handle that. S/he'd talk bad about my behind my back, a fact this person has lied about, but that I witnessed. S/he's welcome back into my life when s/he tells me what is really wrong. Because I've asked, and I've never gotten a straight answer. I can't trust anything s/he says anyway because I've been lied to so many times. And often not even lied to, but not told the truth. S/he's very good at avoiding answers.
This person's fruit is gross. Like honeydew or cantaloupe. So I will break it off for now until this person's misconceptions about me are faced. Dislike or hate me if you must, you could probably find a good reason to, but don't do it for no reason. I deserve better.
And that's all, folks!
No comments:
Post a Comment