A new friend.

Yet more updates! WOO!

So, I have a new therapist now. He's a DBT therapist and his name is Tim. He's extremely cool as far as my first impression goes. He has curly hair like Stephen and he wore a nice vest. I love vests! So yeah, I'm excited to get better, but I'm still not too excited about therapy. I have some experience with it and it's always been bad. And it's not fun talking about what makes you sad anyway. It just makes you sad! Like...the whole point of having a subconscious is so you can cram all your baggage in it.

Also, I just finished my resume and cover letter for the internship at the medical examiner's office. I was ready to turn it in at about 8am - a good "I'm always fresh in the morning" time. And then it dawned on me that my application is in paper and ink form. So...great. Maybe I can go to the library? Either way, I'll have to wait for a morning time again because I think it looks bad when you do it at night. Maybe that's crazy.

Did I mention Stephen is the best? Well, since mid-last year, I've been pining for all kinds of instruments. I eventually bit the bullet and bought an acoustic guitar in October. It was okay, but I quickly became bored and dissatisfied with it. Figuring a bass was more my style (actual riffs instead of chords, no multitasking with singing, etc), I bought a very nice one online. It was used, so I figured getting hundreds of dollars off was a good deal.

It wasn't. As soon as I got it, I turned it into the shop to get set up (which was a hassle in and of itself and another story for another time). A week or so later, the repairman called and said he couldn't adjust anything on it because the neck was so warped. It's useless unless I want to buy another neck.

So I promptly bought another one as I guess I was aching for something to do. I bought a very cool strap and amplifier for it. However, it didn't help. I felt like it would take so long to get any good at it, and I became overwhelmed, even more so than the excitement I had to play MUSE riffs.

And I quickly realized that none of these things was going to help. I needed a viola. I missed my viola. I missed having anything I used to love, really. I had no cat, no rock collection, and no viola. Just books and books about death investigation - which were fantastic, but...not exciting to read more than once. Nothing is that exciting.

Anyway, after waking one day, I decided I was going to get a viola. I drove right over to the store and when I came in, I quickly realized it was Fiddle Fair! Everything was on sale and out on display. I tried a few 16" violas, since that was the size of my old one, and then tried a few 16.5". To my delight, those ones not only fit better, but sounded instantly better. And the one that initially caught my eye with it's stunning varnish was the one I took home. It was the most beautiful looking and the most beautiful sounding instrument in the room. And the lady helping me was a violist herself - only she played a 14.5". So that was interesting to watch!

I LOVE this viola. It blows my other one out of the water. I still appreciate what my old one did for me and all we went through together, but this one is just amazing. And my eternal companion bought it for me. What a gift!

Here she is.

Eh...

Not so good anymore. I don't know if it's the increase in medication, but my depression has gotten worse. I am about to cry every dang second because of my piling amount of failures. I can't stop thinking of how easy it would be to just end this. Of course I am too afraid of the consequences to do it, but I'm trying to get less scared.

At the same time, I'm trying to get more and more help. I finally reached out to the DBT therapist and set an appointment for Thursday (morning! Ugh!). As part of that therapy, you also need to keep up with a separate therapist. So...this will be interesting.

My back hurts more. My posture is deteriorating. I'm rapidly gaining weight. I thought I was pregnant, but I'm not - which I was kind of sad about, really!

Classes are dropping downhill quickly. I've missed almost all of my classes for the past two weeks because I didn't have the motivation/energy/will to go. It was a mistake because now, instead of earning B range grades, I'm probably going to make C- grades. Or maybe fail a class or two. Because I missed those classes.

Oh yeah, turns out I not only had a test and big assignment due yesterday (which I somehow got an A- on), I had a test and huge assignment due today. In sociology. I hate that class so much. The teacher and subject are fine, I just hate talking about social issues with my classmates. It's depressing, irritating, monotonous, etc.

I also missed two, apparently, VITAL homework quizzes for criminal justice. Now I'll be lucky to pass when before I had a B+? B? It really pisses me off. This is how stupid college is: Miss one or two things and your grade is already screwed. I'm trying to reach out to my teachers, but it's hard to think of a viable (non-mental-illness-disclosing) excuse when that's just what it was.

I don't even really need college for what I want to do. I only need an associates. I just want an associates, why on Earth is that SO hard?

*Deep Breath*

Anyway, that bass I bought to try to keep me fixated on anything but Stephen and the deepening sadness happy, turned out to be completely useless. The neck was warped beyond fixing. Just my luck. Also just my luck? A flat tire yesterday while my phone was out of battery and my tank was empty. These are minor things in the grand scheme, but it seemed very planned at the time.

So I bought another bass today, and we'll return the old one for what better be a FULL refund.

Also, I'm about to finish up an application for an internship at THE MEDICAL EXAMINER'S OFFICE!!! It's a pretty confidential position, so I can't say much about it (who knows if I'll even get it), but I'm really excited for the chance! That would just be amazing if I could land it. But, most likely, they'll be giving it to someone further along in a bachelor's program.

Stephen's dad and siblings have been staying with us for a few days. Of course my anxiety has kept me up all night. I've literally gotten maybe 6 hours of sleep in the past two days. It sucks because they're not even doing anything wrong. We've hardly been in the house together at all! I'm thinking of getting a prescription for a sleep aid. I could really use one of those. There are nights, especially when I worked, where I'd just stay up all night because I was so worried about whatever was going to happen the next day. Then, oftentimes, I'd miss that thing entirely anyway (not work, luckily, but other things)! So this would be a good idea. Especially if I want that internship. And I really do.

Anyway, that's about it. Good news and bad.

Math :(

Hello.

It's been good. I've been doing well in almost all of my classes! It's a good thing I have to stay at school until Stephen is done with work - it forces me to do homework to avoid boredom. A tip for you all!

Anyway, today I'm going to take a test to see if I have dyscalculia. Or maybe it's a test to see if I need to take the test? I'm not sure, but I'm just hoping I do. Not that I want to be labeled with a disability, but I definitely could use the assurance that I won't have to struggle through school.

I've always been bad at math. In elementary school, I was in the lowest math class. And I was the slow kid in that class. I remember them taking me out of class to test me. I'm sure it was to place me in a special needs class or something, now that I look back on it. I struggled through middle school. I had to take summer courses to make up my failed math classes. I had to take one less elective course during school to take math classes. Lastly, in high school, I somehow managed to barely pass algebra, I failed geometry, Algebra 2, and they made up a class for me to take so I could graduate.

So...I'm just hoping beyond hope that they'll cut me a break.

I'm in Math 0950, and I'm barely getting through it. I worry I'll fail and/or never be able to graduate. I haven't tried the math lab yet, or a tutor, so there is some room if I don't have dyscalculia. It's just that people telling me how to do it, doesn't help me do it. Or it does, and I forget entirely.

For instance, in my class now, I managed to ACE chapter 4 after Stephen told me how to do it. Then, two months later after I realized I needed to take an exam on that chapter, I failed. Miserably. I didn't remember any of it.

I don't know. I just really don't want to struggle through this. It's hard enough.

3/1/15

Today is March 1st.

It SNOWED yesterday! It was amazing! It doesn't look like any of it stuck, but actual snow was more than I could've asked for, so I'm happy.

As you know, my dose has been doubled. 300mg a day to 600. 2 pills 3 times a day. It's hard to keep up on them. The dose is still not perfect. I get all...throat-closey around some people. And around the people I know, I just don't feel that talkative anymore.

It's good to not feel that pressure, but also bad because now I think I'm boring. And somehow still annoying.

Another thing I've noticed is the contradiction that I don't have as much patience or energy for sex, but my libido is just as high as ever, if not even higher (is it possible?). As I think about it, I've come to the realization that maybe I'm not a sexual deviant, but perhaps I just want it more often so I can feel better. So I can feel something.

Yet another thing is the only reason I'm still alive is because I'm too scared to "off" myself. I'm scared of the consequences. Not that I think other people who kill themselves will go to Hell, but I'm almost sure I would for some reason.

Anyway, just some thoughts.

100%

Things are just great. I'm so happy I'm getting help!

I just love the heck out of my husband. I am so in love with him. He's just everything to me. We have a very happy marriage, despite  my health and the hardships in our dating and engaged life. I hear a lot of newlyweds talk about fighting over stupid things and I'm just happy we're beyond that. Not saying we're superior at all, but we're both so (maybe too) carefree. Very compatible, I guess. We're just happy! My marriage is awesome and I'm proud to say it!

I realized I'm going to get my associates early next year. It only took...six years and four institutes of higher education. Golly. Seriously...good grief. BUT I'll finally have that stupid piece of paper, some amount of street cred (maybe), and qualification for a lot of jobs that I'd like. Not to mention the fact that I'll be only 54 or so credits from a bachelors. It sounds daunting, but criminal justice is my jam. I could totally crank that out in a year and a semester. That will be 7.5 years to get a bachelors. I guess that's not too bad!

And I think I've settled on a direction. I'll get my bachelors (because I'm so sick of transferring) and hopefully a surgical technician thing or a clinical laboratory assistant thing so I can be eligible to do autopsies. Maybe mortuary school? And then it's on to death investigation! Heck, I may not even need that extra stuff in some counties. I don't know. And I'm seriously considering private investigation. I love stalking people and finding out everything about them. It would totally be a fit for me. There are just so many possibilities.

Stephen's job really helps with financial stability. I'm so happy I don't have to worry about money too much. I worry about his grades and I'm sad he can't spend more time with me, but we're working to fix that. He's thinking of dropping a day a week so he can study and remain sane.

There are just so many possibilities in our life! Nothing is stable, and that's great sometimes. I'm really hoping I can get a cat soon. Or any pet, really. I miss having things I love in my life. They may not bring me as much joy anymore, but it's better than nothing. I'd love to have something to love and take care of. I'd love to play viola and water polo. I'd like to have my rock collection. I guess I have some of it still...

Anyway, things are great right now, despite my failures and disappointments.

Presentation

Today I got to do a presentation on domestic violence for my criminal justice class. I love this topic. There is so much to it. It's such a pervasive, yet invisible problem. And I'm always happy to educate people who may be victims. I want them to get the courage to move on with their lives.

Anyway, it was a group presentation (assault, domestic violence, stalking, and elder abuse). I SO did not want to be nervous, so I took an extra pill. 3 total. My head is still spinning. I guess for people with neuropathic pain, it's better to be dizzy than to be in pain, so that works. And for me it's better to be dizzy than anxious, but golly. I don't even know if I should drive right now and I'm only taking 600mg a day (plus that one so 700mg today). But people who take it for pain usually take 900mg to 1800mg a day. HOOOOOOWWW? I can't believe it.

Anyway, gabapentin (I've been spelling it wrong for forever) is AWESOME! I love it. I still blush sometimes when I talk, but it's awesome. I'm a little worried about weight gain and sexual dysfunction (got enough of that, thanks!), but this is great medicine. I've been on a lot of things and this just has virtually no bad side-effects and it's effective! I'd like to not be depressed anymore and, in fact, gabapentin increases suicidal tendencies, but therapy should help with that. Maybe.

Also, I'm so happy I could present a coherent presentation. I was so worried, but everything was good. We even had the giant technical issue of not being able to use our slides since the computer was down it was no big. It just went really well. I'm so happy! I can't wait to read the reviews of our presentation.

Volunteer?

Saturday was my last day of training. It was going pretty well.

Except that I was so worried I'd sleep through it that I didn't sleep at all.

I considered taking extra pills to compensate, but ultimately decided against it. I worried it would've made me dizzy. Anyway, I got there on time, and I didn't get lost! Things were going surprisingly well despite all the boring BORING paperwork we had to do! We had a delicious lunch. I was able to converse with some of the other volunteers with no problem. I was only as nervous as usual.

So I don't know why, then, I freaked out toward the very bitter end. 9 hours of training, and I stuck through 8.25 hours of it.

It was the group exercises that got me. Even those were okay, but it just got to be too much, too close to people...the usual. Everything. Why did we have to do four of them?

Anyway, the last one I just couldn't take it for some reason. Luckily, I got out before anyone could notice anything, but wow. It was incredibly embarrassing. I could barely (if I even did) tell the director why I couldn't stay and I just had to go home. She said we'd keep in touch and I asked her if I could still be a volunteer. She said yes, but I haven't heard anything yet.

I don't know if I'll ever hear anything. I don't know if I want to go back. I'm too embarrassed. But I'm still passionate about this. I gave up quite a bit to be at training, I don't want that to be in vain.

We'll see I suppose. Maybe I'm not cut out to do anything.