Anyway, while I'm on this train, I may as well enjoy the ride. I sometimes wonder what I would be like without my anxiety. I wonder how much fuller and meaningful my life would be without having these psychological setbacks. It has gotten a bit better with some practice, but even after a few hours of social stimulation with friends, I get exhausted.
People always think I'm so shy and, by extension, secretive, but I'm not! I think privacy is overrated. I love having people around me know everything about me and I like knowing as much as I can about them. I guess it's just a trust/honesty thing? I like to think that I am honest. Honesty is truly the best policy.
Anyway, no matter the reason, I am not shy. I am just...scared. I would say scared. With hesitancy. I'm not quite sure what it is, but I get dizzy and heart-racy when I know people are talking to me or even looking at me. I can't control it. It's not like I'm afraid I'll get hurt or anything...it just happens. Maybe it's because people expect things from me? They expect a normal conversation complete with rules about what to ask and what not to ask and how to say what and when to smile. Social rules?
Especially babies. I don't like smiling at babies for no reason. It's weird. Why do we smile at babies? I get smiling at your own baby, but someone else's? Even when it's not being cute or funny?
Tangent, but I don't get that. There is only one person I feel like I can share absolutely everything with and be completely myself with and that is Stephen. On the other hand, there are people who make me especially nervous. I don't know why it's like that.
Way back to the point of the post: I just wonder what it would be like to not be like this. I hate this aspect of me. If I am shy, I want it to be voluntary. But I want to be outgoing. I think I'd be a really cool person if I was outgoing.
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