Selfish?

I've had a lot of time lately to think about things. 

I'm not sure how to feel about anything anymore. My perspective is still eternal, so that's good, but maybe especially given that line of thinking, life seems pretty pointless. In a way. It's difficult to explain, but I'll try. I think I'm lucky that I won't be here too long. Perhaps that's why my trials are so frequent and some of them severe. I won't suffer for long. 

Then again, it's scary and sad. I feel so badly for my husband sometimes. He really had no idea what he was getting into when he married me. I feel bad that he will probably be lonely for years. I feel bad for our prospective child(ren). How could I bring them into this world knowing 1) what it will become 2) that I could give them two genetic disorders that compound each other and 3) that I won't always be here for them.

It's scary because of all the blood, heart, and brain things. I was okay with dying of renal failure because they say that's a good way to go. The timing is estimated to be pretty good (51 - 69 years old). Yet, I've learned recently that 50% of PKD patients die of heart problems stemming from PKD, rather than renal failure itself. Add all the craziness that Factor 5 Leiden brings (stroke and blood clots) and I'm starting to realize my life could be shorter than I first expected. 

50 - 60% chance of dying from renal failure and a 50% chance of dying from heart problems. There is a small chance of dying from an aneurysm. Those are from PKD alone. I can't find anything about Factor 5 Leiden w/PKD except that it makes transplants especially dangerous and prone to fail. 

So, while it sucks for me quite a bit as far as planning anything, I feel worse off for any kids we could possibly have. They each (we plan to have 2 tops) have a 50% chance of getting PKD and a 25% of getting F5L. I just sometimes feel bad that I'm even considering having them. 

Then I think of all the criticism I'd get if I didn't have kids - being part of a church such as mine. Women's soul purpose, many think, is to be stay-at-home mothers. If I can't have kids, why don't I adopt? Who says I can't have kids? Just try anyway!

Then sometimes I think: If that was God's intention for me (and other women with these kinds of pregnancy obstacles), why did he make it so hard for me to have a child? Why would he force me to put my life in danger to have a baby? 

I don't know. I still want one, but I realize at this point it is for purely selfish reasons. Yet, it makes me wonder what my blessing was talking about. I wonder if my understanding of motherhood would come from this life or the next. Who knows?