Rough Night

I had a difficult time last night. I kept my husband up way too late crying to him - which happens a lot, unfortunately. I feel bad when this happens, but when I'm upset, I can't put other peoples' needs before my own. And, when I get upset, I get really upset.

You know (and I'm sorry for going on and on about it, but), the worst parts of PKD is not the kidney pain. At least not yet. Right now, it's just knowing why body functions don't work. Knowing they may never work. I feel like I'm missing out on the human experience. I'm scared to ruin what function I have.

My husband reminded me of a time where I was taking benzodiazepines just to function around people. I was on them when we went on our first date in February 2012. He said that he remembers my brain turning into mush. And he's right. I hadn't recognized it when I first started taking them, but my cognition, reaction time, everything just started to slow down.

While that made me sad, it also made me remember how happy I am to have Stephen in my life. Without him, I'd probably still be on those things. He just makes me feel strong and comfortable. He helps me through my hopeless moments. He is still affectionate toward me, even when I'm saying all those things you say when nothing is going right. He is wonderful.