Explanation

Well, maybe I was going crazy because, apparently, my period was on it's way. It's here now.

I'm not sure if women are supposed to be more "crazy" during periods or before, but I personally feel better now. Despite the horrendous back pain and constant, uncontrollable bleeding for 7 days, my bowels are working at max. It's amazing! I love periods. Also, since I'm not on birth control, it's a welcome sign that I've not made a terrible mistake.

Anyway, that was probably WAY more than anyone needed to know.

But my original point was that I feel way better now. But now that I'm in my right mind, I feel like the gabapentin isn't working as well anymore. My memory is being affected. I hate that. It's not as bad as it was with clonazepam, but it's getting bad. I'm just as dizzy, but less nauseated than when I started...

I don't know. I want to start taking more to see if it will still help. I'm so dang tired of the medication search. I don't think anything tolerable will work for me.

And I'm regressing, weirdly enough.

I don't even want to see John anymore. Or the psychiatric NP. I don't want to see anyone. I guess I'm happier living alone, but I'm not content. I still want to live a meaningful life helping people, but I'm not sure I can even work a regular job anymore. I have no desire to work a Mcjob and probably not enough energy to work a good one.

I'M SO TIRED. All the time! I sleep for 12 hours and I'm still tired. I'm exhausted!

Maybe it's because I get dizzy. Maybe it's because of the depression. Maybe it's the anxiety coming back. Maybe I'm being ridiculous. Maybe I'm just tired of being hurt all the time and the problems are deeper than I thought? I'm definitely less resilient than the average person.

Oh yeah, and today I officially had hypertension (135/91). I guess I should check it more often now, but it's usually only pre-hypertensive. It's only a matter of time I guess. For now, I can try changing my diet and exercise. It should help.

Anyway, sorry for the brain throw-up. Just getting my thoughts out.

I'm really distressed.

Can  you tell?

I've been asking for extra cheese on everything. I can't sleep without the TV or I get nightmares. I missed a class today. The second week into school, I've already missed a class! I slept through it but, if I was awake for it, I still wouldn't have gone.

It's incredibly hard to work toward a goal when you just don't care about anything anymore.

They say a pretty big giveaway for depression is not enjoying activities you once enjoyed. If what's happening to me is depression-related, then they minimalize the heck out of it. I don't care about anything.

Well, I still love animals but, for instance, I was playing with my friend's kittens one day. KITTENS. I was so stoked out of my mind! When I finally got to play with them, it was like...nothing. I was amused and all, and I loved them, but they didn't make me happy anymore. What the heck?

Anyway, the point in sharing that is that I don't even get much joy from animals anymore. I love animals! So...if the things I love are that affected, think of things I'm passionate about. Things I like. They don't stand a chance! And they haven't.

I just know I'm living a meaningless life. I'm not helping anyone. I'm not happy. All I can do is ask God to be patient with me and continue to thank Him for all that I have, because I certainly don't deserve any of it.

I just can't picture me holding a steady job if it involves any interaction with people. Sure, I'm not scared of them anymore, but they're so incredibly draining, confusing, and frustrating (and great and beautiful and wonderful, but I can't handle them!). I can't even explain it.

And that's the most frustrating thing. I can't explain it. And, of course, it's all in my brain, so it may as well not exist. That's how everyone else seems to view it. "Don't let things define you" as well-meaning as everyone is when they say that (usually accompanied by a story about someone who had way more disabilities and issues than me), it automatically makes it look like I'm not trying enough. Those people...the blind ones who climb Mt.Everest, the bum-legs who compete in the olympics, the dyscalculia kids who eventually become math whizes...they make me look bad.

My success is getting out of bed each day. Getting the dishes done. I'M IN SCHOOL (that's really all I have going for me). A pharmacist, a medical professional, was very impressed with that. I can hardly make it to school, and I can hardly earn passing grades, but I'm doing it. I am trying. I'm trying so hard and it's not enough - I'm not doing enough - because I'm not a typical success story.

It's very frustrating to say: "I want to do this, but I don't want to testify in court", "I worry about the math", or "I worry about lifting bodies." and get eye-rolls. It's just eye rolls and maybe a pep-talk about aforementioned people who make me look bad.

Those are legitimate concerns. I'm having a hard time in the most entry-level math class UVU offers. I have a dang official, professional diagnosis of SOCIAL PHOBIA. And have you heard that I have PKD yet? FYI: I also have an official diagnosis of major depressive disorder, IBS-C, and I'm heterozygous for a blood clotting disorder. It's not that I'm letting these things (especially mental illness) define me, they really affect my life. It's my brain, for pete's sake! You're telling me to suppress that?!

It's not like I want these! They make me a different person - a person I don't particularly like. It's so hard to keep a job like this. I can hardly keep the friends I have like this, and I'm losing them daily, it seems. I know my health will decline, my body is trying to FREAKING KILL ME!

So why? Why the judgment? Why the lack of understanding? Especially about mental illness?

It's like having this giant monkey on my back, but everyone ignores it and tells me to ignore it too. Yeah, that would be ideal. Even better, it would be nice to get the monkey off my back, but I can't. I'm trying, but...jeez. They just have no idea, and I can't blame them, but I'm so tired of people expecting the same things from me that they expect from a "normal" person.

Well, newsflash, I'm not.

But I'll continue to pretend, because I still have the desire to live a useful, philanthropic life somewhere in here, and I can't do that without education. I just worry I'll waste all of this time and money on something I can't even use because of my health (mental and otherwise).

AND I'M A HOT DANG MESS RIGHT NOW!!

In-laws. Again?

Oh. MY. GOSH.

I never wanted to be here. Growing up, I thought it was really stupid and catty when people would complain about their in-laws. Especially, for some reason, daughter-in-laws about their mother-in-laws. I was determined to never be one of these people.

And yet, it happened.

I totally get it now. I piss them off without even trying. And they don't say anything about it, so I'm left being passive-aggressive'd at until I get the hint and ask them directly. And even then I get some roundabout answer that doesn't even explain it.

For instance, my husband's twin is treated noticeably better than my husband. It's gotten way better as of late, but golly...for awhile there I was beginning to wonder if he was some sorcerer who put spells on people to like him.

Anyway, he got married recently and, in much the same fashion as us, gave everyone short notice. Hell, even shorter notice. Less than a week and many people hadn't even known he was in a relationship. So yeah, it was ridiculous. We actually told people when we got engaged (and got real rings) and we tried to give as much notice as possible - to everyone (even their dad, who was entirely left out of this one).

And what do we get? Well, his mom ditches out entirely on the whole thing -except she made it to the actual wedding, managed to send us an email telling us that we were being horrible, and to tell everyone that we were getting married in the most depressing, non-emotional way. She did later explain that she "just wasn't all that excited about it." so I guess that makes sense. I barely remember her speaking to me on our wedding day. His dad was calling us everyday beforehand to tell Stephen not to do it, his grandma threatened not to come at all because she was not personally invited, and his aunt freaks out at him on our wedding day.

The one apology we did get was from Steve's mom for not going to our bridal shower. Everyone else? Nothing. Not even an explanation. His mom did eventually mention that she felt left out. From what?! I f@#$$& don't know.

And this time around, everyone is ecstatic (or pretends to be in an attempt to rub it in) for again, no explicable reason. I ask my husband's mom and she says: "Maybe it's because he's involving everyone?"

First of all, NO he DIDN'T. Second of all, NOT ONE OF THEM offered to help us. EVER. NOT ONCE. How am I supposed to involve anyone who doesn't want to help?

So yeah, ever since then, it's been a f#$#fest of retardedness. They all expect me to just pretend it didn't happen when I don't even know why it happened.

I can't. I'm still mad and hurt and frustrated. I don't know what the hell I ever did to them. I hardly even spoke around them - for a perfectly logical reason that I couldn't help at the time.

I just can't understand that family. They pride themselves on dumb things like "having a high pain tolerance" (according to everyone, everyone has a high pain tolerance) and "not caring what other people think."  Yet they get offended at NOTHING and say NOTHING about it, so they must care what someone thinks.

I just can't take it anymore. I mean, my husband's mom and I are on speaking terms now, but I just have a really hard time wanting to have anything to do with nearly all of them. They can't even be honest with me about anything. I can't get a clear answer from them. I'm just frustrated to my whit's end. What was the original problem? The reason most of them decided to collectively ruin it for me? I don't know. I'll never know. I can never get my wedding back. It's so pathetic because I still cry about it (2 years later!!!) and I bet it never crosses any of their minds. I just can't.

I can't I can't I can't I can't. I can't do it anymore.

Hot Mess

Today, much like most other days, I was a very hot mess.

It was hard for me. I was really looking forward to talking with John. I had to get up early for my 2pm appointment with him, but I was excited to get some things figured out. I even brought my handy dandy John Journal.

I didn't even open it. I was too nervous and embarrassed to whip it out. Like everything I wanted to talk about was too deep somehow. We started out by discussing how my Christmas went. It was something I was dreading, and he remembered. He asked about my in-law situation. He seemed to always remember strange details about what I'd said. But this time, those were basically the only things he remembered about me.

He gave me advice about jobs, which I appreciated. He told me to talk to the psychiatric NP about my medications again "only be upfront about it". Which I was sure I had been, but I'll try harder? But then he asked what I wanted to talk about again. And he told me I should start an exercise program. I told him I have started exercising, and it was like it didn't even register. He continued to say that it was proven to be effective in people with mild to moderate depression.

HOLD UP. "Is my depression mild to moderate?" Because he made it sound very serious.I suddenly felt completely invalidated. How in the world are so many people with depression even alive if mine is only mild? He replied: "To be honest, I've forgotten. I'll go get your chart."

It's moderate to severe. Well, he said severe at first and said: "Well, I shouldn't say severe, you aren't hospitalized, but it is high. We should probably make another appointment then."

This is the first time this has happened, so maybe I'm getting ahead of myself, but I felt like he was not listening to me at all. Not at all. I was so incredibly disappointed. I felt like he wanted me out of there as soon as possible. I felt so useless and even abandoned in a way. I try to hide my depression because I think mopey, complainy, self-diagnosed people already give us a bad name, but just because I smile and try to remain positive doesn't mean it isn't there.

I've also been extremely agitated lately, and I worry the effectiveness of Gabbapentin is wearing off. I have an appointment with the psychiatric NP soon, so I can talk to her about it.

And maybe I'm dissatisfied because I'm learning that what I really want from John is not something he can give. He's a school therapist. He probably just wants to advise people on how to do better in school, talk about things that bother them, and help them get rid of stress or have someone to talk to.

I need someone who can help me fix myself. I'm not this way because I have gnawing problems with my in-laws or the fact that I can't hold a steady job. Those are effects from a cause. The cause being mental illness. The cause of that being....? I don't know. That's what I need someone to figure out and then help me get over so I can be healthy.

I'm not sure that's John's job. Or maybe I've just been doing all of it wrong by not bringing up the deeper problems myself and he's frustrated with me, but he won't say anything because he's nice or he wants me to take us there. I just get nervous. Still.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ 

Anyway, I just feel extremely alone. And I know I chase people away now. I talked way too much about myself today because I don't really know how to converse with people. I thought this was how people communicate - by sharing experiences. They just do everything so effortlessly. When others talk about themselves, 95% of the time, there is nothing selfish or self-interested about it. They just add things about themselves or their own experiences and it works.

When I do it, I feel like: Wow, that's TMI. How was that relevant? Why did I even say that? No one is responding. No one is reacting. They must be turned off by what I said, they didn't hear me, or they're ignoring me. 

People take the ability to communicate for granted. Maybe I do too. I find myself wishing I couldn't speak, because then people wouldn't expect me to. But I can't wish something like that. It's ungrateful.

I'm trying to sift through what is mental illness and what is Vanessa. It's so hard. I feel like I'm a very good person inside, but I'm incapable of showing it. I hate being around people because I'm tired of being hurt. I'm tired of being betrayed, underestimated, judged, bullied. I can't take it anymore.

To be honest, I'd be perfectly happy with my current schedule of staying home all day. I'd be happy to not have to go outside, to see anyone, or to be around anyone. Ever. But my anxiety is keeping me from going to church. It will surely keep me from doing most jobs I'd love to do. It would keep me from living. And I would raise absolutely broken kids if I lived the way I do now.

But I'm worried that maybe what's keeping me from people is not anxiety. Because, even though I'm being treated, I still don't want to leave the house. When I look at people, I notice that I feel nothing from them anymore. I don't even know if I feel anything for them anymore. Like nothing they say means anything - it's all lies. They're empty. Of course this isn't true, and I know that. People are beautiful and wonderful.

But I just don't fit in with them. I can't connect to them, I can't even communicate with them properly. Honestly, they may as well be aliens from another planet. I'm lucky I have what friends I have and I feel like I'm losing them too. I'm ruining what relationships I have with them slowly but surely.

I don't know what to do anymore. I want to give up on trying to assimilate myself into society, but I still have dreams. I still want to live a full life and see what everyone's talking about. And I love people. How could I stay away from them?

Change?

I love Frozen. I like all the songs, I love Kristoff, I love the animation, the detail, Olaf...

But there is one line in the troll song that gets me bugged every dang time.

"We're not saying you can change him because people don't really change." Or something like that. I don't know how to preface this, but it's just plain wrong. People do change.

And it's beautiful! It's so awesome that we all go through things, good and bad, and we come out better, stronger people from it. Most of the time anyway.

That's it today. Just that irritation.

Dream

I had yet another dream about my husband's ex.

It's probably because I was editing my Forgiveness post in Vanessa Loves.

Anyway, I say "dream" because it is. It, of course, occurred directly after a nightmare of sorts where I was being chased and tested by some (or multiple) horrors - I always have the same theme in my nightmares and I always have nightmares. So I must've woken up and gone back to sleep.

It started out on the stage of my old high school. My high school orchestra conductor was there, doing his thing, only there were WAY less people in the orchestra (like...10 people?), and we were in the center of the stage, in regular semi-circle fashion, kinda facing the backdrop. We were clearly practicing for a concert. I was in the back, which I was a little surprised by, but as soon as I started playing my "instrument" I could see why. It was a recorder. A freaking recorder. And I was very bad at it.

As I was fiddling around, trying to get my fingers on the right holes, I noticed someone in front and to the right of me. It was definitely the back of her hair. I can't remember quite what I felt, but I think it was anger...confusion...a need to start playing better so I could make her feel bad about her lack of skills? It was not gonna happen, by the way. I was terrible. But she was actually extremely good at it. She played the recorder too (which dream-brain identified as a flute).

Before long, my teacher ended the session and I barely noticed him speaking to a bass player before he came to me. He was angry and took the recorder from my hands and said I couldn't play in the concert. I think I was sad, but then I noticed her leaving out the door. I followed her.

There was a lot of white snow outside - in the air and on the ground. There were plenty of people doing their own thing. I somehow managed to identify and get into her white van (that looked like a rapist van on the outside, but was a regular mini-van on the inside). I guess I was trying to pin her so we could finally resolve what happened or so I could punch her lights out. One of the two. Hopefully the former.

But she and her husband (who I played viola with and had a crush on in high school in real life) got in, somehow noticed my presence without looking, and started driving toward his parent's house. This is when I tried desperately to get out of the car. Maybe through a window? But that only lasted for a second. As if I was panicking. She and her husband introduced me to her little girl who was sitting in one of the middle seats. She looked just like her mom and she had bangs just like her mom. I said so. I then remembered that we'd already made up and I wasn't mad at her anymore (since my last dream of her).

The next thing I knew, I was at her husband's parents' house. Just the location, actually. It was "her house", but in the real geographic world that was almost directly simulated into my dream, it was the actual location of her husband's parents' house.

It was very sunny and summery there. Which is odd, now that I think of it because it was snowing at the high school. I felt such immense peace as she began talking to me as if we'd always been friends. We didn't even talk about what happened. I learned more about her and her family. Her dream/real life mom was beaten by her dream step-dad. I felt sorry that I hadn't been there for her. I could understand that she was sleeping with everyone (including my boyfriend, whom she knew was dating me) because she had low self-esteem and a role model at home who was unable to get out of an abusive relationship. I felt sorry for her.

She introduced me to one of her other two kids. A baby boy with red hair. And then I remember standing outside in the sun being unshakably happy. I felt resolution and peace.

Then I woke up and, as always, realize it was only a dream.

Every single time she is in my dream, we're friends. I'm happy, she's happy, and we're friends. She'd apparently always had a problem with me, but I wish I knew that. I wish I could've been friends with her. Maybe it would've saved me a lot of grief. I wish we could be friends now.

I almost left it like that. We almost parted on good terms. In fact, we had at one point. I actually met with her bishop one day to tell him about what happened. I didn't believe she was fit to enter the temple and I was deeply concerned she hadn't told her fiance at the time. It would be unjust of her to do that. But it was EFFING crazy and improper for me to do what I did so...hindsight.

Anyway, it turned out that she had been seeing her bishop. He was not told Stephen's name. He was unaware of what happened, but I was just so relieved to hear she was telling him some things. And her husband knew some things.

I was so ashamed of myself that I immediately bought her some roses and took them to her house. She was not there, but I came again another day when she was there. We talked as if we were at least acquaintances. We had a really good time and a really good conversation. Maybe it was a tad awkward. She still didn't apologize, but what happened was good enough. I was so relieved. We actually hugged as I left.

I wish I could have that back. One day, a few months later, I was having another episode of utter devastation about what happened, and I took it out on her. I left angry messages, I demanded apologies, all that stuff. Quickly, I was only able to converse with her husband who denied that she did anything wrong with Stephen and said that we'd just have to believe our own spouses. He then agreed that I'd been wronged (?), but that I didn't need an apology and I'd "get over it".

I ruined everything in that particular moment of weakness and despair. We were on good terms. I had the happiest ending I could've hoped for from her and I blew it. I could've nurtured our budding relationship. Maybe I'm just being psychotic, but I think we could've even been friends. I lost so much when that happened, but I could've gained a friend.

I honestly don't know why I keep having these dreams, but every single time they end in us being friends and I'm indescribably happy. I wish I could have that.

Resolutions.

I hate chronically negative people.
They ruin everything.
It's like they think no one else has gone through things.
Like no one else suffers or has trials.
They're poison.
They're infectious.
I'm done being one of those.
And I'm going to rid myself of those.
I'm going to find the best in everything and everyone.
Even the chronically negative ones, when I am healthy enough to handle them.


I'm going to do more service.
It will make me a happier person.
And I'll do something productive with my life.
Probably the most important thing you can do in life.


I'm going to spend less money.
I live far beyond my means.
I waste too much on things I don't need.
More groceries, less fast food.


I'm going to pass all of my classes.
I'm going to get good grades, in fact.


I'm going to prevent any further heartbreak and disappointment.
I'll do so through love and forgiveness rather than shutting others out.
But I'll be firm when it's necessary.


I'm going to be the best me I can be.