Dream

I had yet another dream about my husband's ex.

It's probably because I was editing my Forgiveness post in Vanessa Loves.

Anyway, I say "dream" because it is. It, of course, occurred directly after a nightmare of sorts where I was being chased and tested by some (or multiple) horrors - I always have the same theme in my nightmares and I always have nightmares. So I must've woken up and gone back to sleep.

It started out on the stage of my old high school. My high school orchestra conductor was there, doing his thing, only there were WAY less people in the orchestra (like...10 people?), and we were in the center of the stage, in regular semi-circle fashion, kinda facing the backdrop. We were clearly practicing for a concert. I was in the back, which I was a little surprised by, but as soon as I started playing my "instrument" I could see why. It was a recorder. A freaking recorder. And I was very bad at it.

As I was fiddling around, trying to get my fingers on the right holes, I noticed someone in front and to the right of me. It was definitely the back of her hair. I can't remember quite what I felt, but I think it was anger...confusion...a need to start playing better so I could make her feel bad about her lack of skills? It was not gonna happen, by the way. I was terrible. But she was actually extremely good at it. She played the recorder too (which dream-brain identified as a flute).

Before long, my teacher ended the session and I barely noticed him speaking to a bass player before he came to me. He was angry and took the recorder from my hands and said I couldn't play in the concert. I think I was sad, but then I noticed her leaving out the door. I followed her.

There was a lot of white snow outside - in the air and on the ground. There were plenty of people doing their own thing. I somehow managed to identify and get into her white van (that looked like a rapist van on the outside, but was a regular mini-van on the inside). I guess I was trying to pin her so we could finally resolve what happened or so I could punch her lights out. One of the two. Hopefully the former.

But she and her husband (who I played viola with and had a crush on in high school in real life) got in, somehow noticed my presence without looking, and started driving toward his parent's house. This is when I tried desperately to get out of the car. Maybe through a window? But that only lasted for a second. As if I was panicking. She and her husband introduced me to her little girl who was sitting in one of the middle seats. She looked just like her mom and she had bangs just like her mom. I said so. I then remembered that we'd already made up and I wasn't mad at her anymore (since my last dream of her).

The next thing I knew, I was at her husband's parents' house. Just the location, actually. It was "her house", but in the real geographic world that was almost directly simulated into my dream, it was the actual location of her husband's parents' house.

It was very sunny and summery there. Which is odd, now that I think of it because it was snowing at the high school. I felt such immense peace as she began talking to me as if we'd always been friends. We didn't even talk about what happened. I learned more about her and her family. Her dream/real life mom was beaten by her dream step-dad. I felt sorry that I hadn't been there for her. I could understand that she was sleeping with everyone (including my boyfriend, whom she knew was dating me) because she had low self-esteem and a role model at home who was unable to get out of an abusive relationship. I felt sorry for her.

She introduced me to one of her other two kids. A baby boy with red hair. And then I remember standing outside in the sun being unshakably happy. I felt resolution and peace.

Then I woke up and, as always, realize it was only a dream.

Every single time she is in my dream, we're friends. I'm happy, she's happy, and we're friends. She'd apparently always had a problem with me, but I wish I knew that. I wish I could've been friends with her. Maybe it would've saved me a lot of grief. I wish we could be friends now.

I almost left it like that. We almost parted on good terms. In fact, we had at one point. I actually met with her bishop one day to tell him about what happened. I didn't believe she was fit to enter the temple and I was deeply concerned she hadn't told her fiance at the time. It would be unjust of her to do that. But it was EFFING crazy and improper for me to do what I did so...hindsight.

Anyway, it turned out that she had been seeing her bishop. He was not told Stephen's name. He was unaware of what happened, but I was just so relieved to hear she was telling him some things. And her husband knew some things.

I was so ashamed of myself that I immediately bought her some roses and took them to her house. She was not there, but I came again another day when she was there. We talked as if we were at least acquaintances. We had a really good time and a really good conversation. Maybe it was a tad awkward. She still didn't apologize, but what happened was good enough. I was so relieved. We actually hugged as I left.

I wish I could have that back. One day, a few months later, I was having another episode of utter devastation about what happened, and I took it out on her. I left angry messages, I demanded apologies, all that stuff. Quickly, I was only able to converse with her husband who denied that she did anything wrong with Stephen and said that we'd just have to believe our own spouses. He then agreed that I'd been wronged (?), but that I didn't need an apology and I'd "get over it".

I ruined everything in that particular moment of weakness and despair. We were on good terms. I had the happiest ending I could've hoped for from her and I blew it. I could've nurtured our budding relationship. Maybe I'm just being psychotic, but I think we could've even been friends. I lost so much when that happened, but I could've gained a friend.

I honestly don't know why I keep having these dreams, but every single time they end in us being friends and I'm indescribably happy. I wish I could have that.