Explanation

Well, maybe I was going crazy because, apparently, my period was on it's way. It's here now.

I'm not sure if women are supposed to be more "crazy" during periods or before, but I personally feel better now. Despite the horrendous back pain and constant, uncontrollable bleeding for 7 days, my bowels are working at max. It's amazing! I love periods. Also, since I'm not on birth control, it's a welcome sign that I've not made a terrible mistake.

Anyway, that was probably WAY more than anyone needed to know.

But my original point was that I feel way better now. But now that I'm in my right mind, I feel like the gabapentin isn't working as well anymore. My memory is being affected. I hate that. It's not as bad as it was with clonazepam, but it's getting bad. I'm just as dizzy, but less nauseated than when I started...

I don't know. I want to start taking more to see if it will still help. I'm so dang tired of the medication search. I don't think anything tolerable will work for me.

And I'm regressing, weirdly enough.

I don't even want to see John anymore. Or the psychiatric NP. I don't want to see anyone. I guess I'm happier living alone, but I'm not content. I still want to live a meaningful life helping people, but I'm not sure I can even work a regular job anymore. I have no desire to work a Mcjob and probably not enough energy to work a good one.

I'M SO TIRED. All the time! I sleep for 12 hours and I'm still tired. I'm exhausted!

Maybe it's because I get dizzy. Maybe it's because of the depression. Maybe it's the anxiety coming back. Maybe I'm being ridiculous. Maybe I'm just tired of being hurt all the time and the problems are deeper than I thought? I'm definitely less resilient than the average person.

Oh yeah, and today I officially had hypertension (135/91). I guess I should check it more often now, but it's usually only pre-hypertensive. It's only a matter of time I guess. For now, I can try changing my diet and exercise. It should help.

Anyway, sorry for the brain throw-up. Just getting my thoughts out.