I'm really distressed.

Can  you tell?

I've been asking for extra cheese on everything. I can't sleep without the TV or I get nightmares. I missed a class today. The second week into school, I've already missed a class! I slept through it but, if I was awake for it, I still wouldn't have gone.

It's incredibly hard to work toward a goal when you just don't care about anything anymore.

They say a pretty big giveaway for depression is not enjoying activities you once enjoyed. If what's happening to me is depression-related, then they minimalize the heck out of it. I don't care about anything.

Well, I still love animals but, for instance, I was playing with my friend's kittens one day. KITTENS. I was so stoked out of my mind! When I finally got to play with them, it was like...nothing. I was amused and all, and I loved them, but they didn't make me happy anymore. What the heck?

Anyway, the point in sharing that is that I don't even get much joy from animals anymore. I love animals! So...if the things I love are that affected, think of things I'm passionate about. Things I like. They don't stand a chance! And they haven't.

I just know I'm living a meaningless life. I'm not helping anyone. I'm not happy. All I can do is ask God to be patient with me and continue to thank Him for all that I have, because I certainly don't deserve any of it.

I just can't picture me holding a steady job if it involves any interaction with people. Sure, I'm not scared of them anymore, but they're so incredibly draining, confusing, and frustrating (and great and beautiful and wonderful, but I can't handle them!). I can't even explain it.

And that's the most frustrating thing. I can't explain it. And, of course, it's all in my brain, so it may as well not exist. That's how everyone else seems to view it. "Don't let things define you" as well-meaning as everyone is when they say that (usually accompanied by a story about someone who had way more disabilities and issues than me), it automatically makes it look like I'm not trying enough. Those people...the blind ones who climb Mt.Everest, the bum-legs who compete in the olympics, the dyscalculia kids who eventually become math whizes...they make me look bad.

My success is getting out of bed each day. Getting the dishes done. I'M IN SCHOOL (that's really all I have going for me). A pharmacist, a medical professional, was very impressed with that. I can hardly make it to school, and I can hardly earn passing grades, but I'm doing it. I am trying. I'm trying so hard and it's not enough - I'm not doing enough - because I'm not a typical success story.

It's very frustrating to say: "I want to do this, but I don't want to testify in court", "I worry about the math", or "I worry about lifting bodies." and get eye-rolls. It's just eye rolls and maybe a pep-talk about aforementioned people who make me look bad.

Those are legitimate concerns. I'm having a hard time in the most entry-level math class UVU offers. I have a dang official, professional diagnosis of SOCIAL PHOBIA. And have you heard that I have PKD yet? FYI: I also have an official diagnosis of major depressive disorder, IBS-C, and I'm heterozygous for a blood clotting disorder. It's not that I'm letting these things (especially mental illness) define me, they really affect my life. It's my brain, for pete's sake! You're telling me to suppress that?!

It's not like I want these! They make me a different person - a person I don't particularly like. It's so hard to keep a job like this. I can hardly keep the friends I have like this, and I'm losing them daily, it seems. I know my health will decline, my body is trying to FREAKING KILL ME!

So why? Why the judgment? Why the lack of understanding? Especially about mental illness?

It's like having this giant monkey on my back, but everyone ignores it and tells me to ignore it too. Yeah, that would be ideal. Even better, it would be nice to get the monkey off my back, but I can't. I'm trying, but...jeez. They just have no idea, and I can't blame them, but I'm so tired of people expecting the same things from me that they expect from a "normal" person.

Well, newsflash, I'm not.

But I'll continue to pretend, because I still have the desire to live a useful, philanthropic life somewhere in here, and I can't do that without education. I just worry I'll waste all of this time and money on something I can't even use because of my health (mental and otherwise).

AND I'M A HOT DANG MESS RIGHT NOW!!