It was hard for me. I was really looking forward to talking with John. I had to get up early for my 2pm appointment with him, but I was excited to get some things figured out. I even brought my handy dandy John Journal.
I didn't even open it. I was too nervous and embarrassed to whip it out. Like everything I wanted to talk about was too deep somehow. We started out by discussing how my Christmas went. It was something I was dreading, and he remembered. He asked about my in-law situation. He seemed to always remember strange details about what I'd said. But this time, those were basically the only things he remembered about me.
He gave me advice about jobs, which I appreciated. He told me to talk to the psychiatric NP about my medications again "only be upfront about it". Which I was sure I had been, but I'll try harder? But then he asked what I wanted to talk about again. And he told me I should start an exercise program. I told him I have started exercising, and it was like it didn't even register. He continued to say that it was proven to be effective in people with mild to moderate depression.
HOLD UP. "Is my depression mild to moderate?" Because he made it sound very serious.I suddenly felt completely invalidated. How in the world are so many people with depression even alive if mine is only mild? He replied: "To be honest, I've forgotten. I'll go get your chart."
It's moderate to severe. Well, he said severe at first and said: "Well, I shouldn't say severe, you aren't hospitalized, but it is high. We should probably make another appointment then."
This is the first time this has happened, so maybe I'm getting ahead of myself, but I felt like he was not listening to me at all. Not at all. I was so incredibly disappointed. I felt like he wanted me out of there as soon as possible. I felt so useless and even abandoned in a way. I try to hide my depression because I think mopey, complainy, self-diagnosed people already give us a bad name, but just because I smile and try to remain positive doesn't mean it isn't there.
I've also been extremely agitated lately, and I worry the effectiveness of Gabbapentin is wearing off. I have an appointment with the psychiatric NP soon, so I can talk to her about it.
And maybe I'm dissatisfied because I'm learning that what I really want from John is not something he can give. He's a school therapist. He probably just wants to advise people on how to do better in school, talk about things that bother them, and help them get rid of stress or have someone to talk to.
I need someone who can help me fix myself. I'm not this way because I have gnawing problems with my in-laws or the fact that I can't hold a steady job. Those are effects from a cause. The cause being mental illness. The cause of that being....? I don't know. That's what I need someone to figure out and then help me get over so I can be healthy.
I'm not sure that's John's job. Or maybe I've just been doing all of it wrong by not bringing up the deeper problems myself and he's frustrated with me, but he won't say anything because he's nice or he wants me to take us there. I just get nervous. Still.
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Anyway, I just feel extremely alone. And I know I chase people away now. I talked way too much about myself today because I don't really know how to converse with people. I thought this was how people communicate - by sharing experiences. They just do everything so effortlessly. When others talk about themselves, 95% of the time, there is nothing selfish or self-interested about it. They just add things about themselves or their own experiences and it works.
When I do it, I feel like: Wow, that's TMI. How was that relevant? Why did I even say that? No one is responding. No one is reacting. They must be turned off by what I said, they didn't hear me, or they're ignoring me.
People take the ability to communicate for granted. Maybe I do too. I find myself wishing I couldn't speak, because then people wouldn't expect me to. But I can't wish something like that. It's ungrateful.
I'm trying to sift through what is mental illness and what is Vanessa. It's so hard. I feel like I'm a very good person inside, but I'm incapable of showing it. I hate being around people because I'm tired of being hurt. I'm tired of being betrayed, underestimated, judged, bullied. I can't take it anymore.
To be honest, I'd be perfectly happy with my current schedule of staying home all day. I'd be happy to not have to go outside, to see anyone, or to be around anyone. Ever. But my anxiety is keeping me from going to church. It will surely keep me from doing most jobs I'd love to do. It would keep me from living. And I would raise absolutely broken kids if I lived the way I do now.
But I'm worried that maybe what's keeping me from people is not anxiety. Because, even though I'm being treated, I still don't want to leave the house. When I look at people, I notice that I feel nothing from them anymore. I don't even know if I feel anything for them anymore. Like nothing they say means anything - it's all lies. They're empty. Of course this isn't true, and I know that. People are beautiful and wonderful.
But I just don't fit in with them. I can't connect to them, I can't even communicate with them properly. Honestly, they may as well be aliens from another planet. I'm lucky I have what friends I have and I feel like I'm losing them too. I'm ruining what relationships I have with them slowly but surely.
I don't know what to do anymore. I want to give up on trying to assimilate myself into society, but I still have dreams. I still want to live a full life and see what everyone's talking about. And I love people. How could I stay away from them?
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