So it clouds my mind, and wrecks my short-term memory. I'm beginning to forget words. I hate that. It also gives me a headache and it hurts my heart. I'd quit it, but I want to try it for a month to make Dr.Knowles happy and to see if it can make me happy.
As far as benefits, there has been nothing as far as depression.
However, this is where great news comes in. As you know, I'm seeing a therapist. It's been surprisingly helpful. If the advice isn't legitimately good or applicable - which it usually is - at least I have someone I know I can trust who will also be impartial.
Anyway, he told me today that my prescription for an emotional support animal is in the making and it will be ready NEXT WEEK!! I'm beyond excited and relieved to not be lonely anymore and to maybe be happier? I'm a little worried it won't help at all, but I think I'm excited.
Now I just have to find a cat or kitten who will love me! And be patient for a week and a day (to tell my landlords).
Thursday, April 16, 2015
Monday, April 13, 2015
Bupropion Day 3
I'm not sure how to feel about it.
I love how it's purple! It's my favorite shade of purple.
It makes me dizzy. Kind of light-headed. It's a little harder to walk and think normally. It creates a slight fog in my head, but that's good. Thinking and mulling things over is disastrous.
Today I woke up at around 9:30am as I had a nightmare about being an animal abuse investigator. No thanks, I could never handle that job. So I forced myself awake, and that let me think about a lot of different things. When I get time to think (and even when I don't) my brain takes me on a train ride through every mistake, every horror, every downfall, and every disappointment I've ever experienced. I can't stop it. Last night I finally was able to stop thinking at 6am ish. So I got 3.5 hours of sleep, basically.
A great medication or therapy would stop me from taking those rides. I think that would help a lot. Doing things and distractions would help a lot, except I'm too scared to leave the house.
As far as depression goes, I'm not sure it's helping yet, even though it clearly affects other things. As I mentioned before, it's harder to walk and think (especially short term memory), my pulse is much weaker, but it seems to be positively affecting my sex life. We think. But I cry all the time still. I am still far too afraid to do much of anything. I try to play viola to help, and it does a bit.
Anyway...I'm doing everything I can, but I just don't seem to get anywhere. I keep thinking of finally getting my degree, but I'm not sure it can happen. And, even if I was to get it, who would hire me? What jobs could I possibly work? I have a mostly-crappy school record. I have a mostly-crappy work record because I can't hold a dang job because I can't stand being around people.
Like...when will the chains be loosed? I am doing everything I can, and the depression hasn't improved. Since I began doing all this, the depression has worsened. My anxiety is still monstrous. I can't even imagine taking another job right now. I feel like every time I try and pep-talk myself into doing things and being normal, it just ends badly.
Ugh.
I love how it's purple! It's my favorite shade of purple.
It makes me dizzy. Kind of light-headed. It's a little harder to walk and think normally. It creates a slight fog in my head, but that's good. Thinking and mulling things over is disastrous.
Today I woke up at around 9:30am as I had a nightmare about being an animal abuse investigator. No thanks, I could never handle that job. So I forced myself awake, and that let me think about a lot of different things. When I get time to think (and even when I don't) my brain takes me on a train ride through every mistake, every horror, every downfall, and every disappointment I've ever experienced. I can't stop it. Last night I finally was able to stop thinking at 6am ish. So I got 3.5 hours of sleep, basically.
A great medication or therapy would stop me from taking those rides. I think that would help a lot. Doing things and distractions would help a lot, except I'm too scared to leave the house.
As far as depression goes, I'm not sure it's helping yet, even though it clearly affects other things. As I mentioned before, it's harder to walk and think (especially short term memory), my pulse is much weaker, but it seems to be positively affecting my sex life. We think. But I cry all the time still. I am still far too afraid to do much of anything. I try to play viola to help, and it does a bit.
Anyway...I'm doing everything I can, but I just don't seem to get anywhere. I keep thinking of finally getting my degree, but I'm not sure it can happen. And, even if I was to get it, who would hire me? What jobs could I possibly work? I have a mostly-crappy school record. I have a mostly-crappy work record because I can't hold a dang job because I can't stand being around people.
Like...when will the chains be loosed? I am doing everything I can, and the depression hasn't improved. Since I began doing all this, the depression has worsened. My anxiety is still monstrous. I can't even imagine taking another job right now. I feel like every time I try and pep-talk myself into doing things and being normal, it just ends badly.
Ugh.
Saturday, April 11, 2015
Bupropion Day 1
It's been awhile.
Things have gotten worse in some ways. The depression is worse. My digestion has gotten worse. But I am liking therapy. I mean...I hate talking about my problems, but I like having someone who can help me with them and will hear all the nitty gritty details of my issues.
I like having a viola. It's helped immensely just to have something I like to do available. It's really a beautiful viola.
Anyway, my psychiatrist has me on Bupropion again. I've been on it before, and it was bad. I'd keep getting heart palpitations, so I stopped after only a week. She believes it happened because I was put on too high of a dose too soon. It's a problem with anxiety patients, apparently. At least this has happened to other people, so I'm not too afraid of this medication.
The problem is - on the first day, mind you - my heart hurts. It's not palpitating, but it feels tight. My body feels tight too. Like...rigid. And I'm more anxious.
It's frustrating. This one is supposed to be good because, unlike most antidepressants, it will help instead of hinder sexual issues. It can aid in weight loss. What I'm most afraid of is exacerbating my IBS-C. I. Can't. Handle. It.
Rant alert** I'm this close to getting a colostomy bag. I'm serious. And I'm so tired of hearing people say: Do you drink enough water? Do you take enough fiber?
I do. I drink more water than most people my age. And yet... here we are. I'm sure there is something tangible that they can find if they just tried. I'm absolutely positive because this was a sudden, intense change. It was not gradual. And it's never gone back to normal - not even once - since April 19th, 2012.
They just refuse to try because I'm young. Bad things can't happen to young people.
Yet we know they can. I have PKD. No family history. Out of 1 in 500 to 1 in 1000 people, out of those few, 15% of them are like me.
So how is it not completely possible to have a simple gut bacteria issue? If some gene mutation can cause my body to kill itself, how can I not have a simple gut bacteria issue?
I didn't mean to go on a rant, it's just incredibly frustrating to see doctor after doctor just belittle me, if not, completely ignore me. I'd keep getting UTIs (a symptom of PKD), and I can't tell you how many nurses would tell me: "You know you wipe from front to back, right?"
No s**t. Nursing school taught you that? What a genius.
It was insulting and, turns out, it wasn't even my fault.
Anyway, new medication is always scary. I'm going to try it anyway because I want to get better.
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
A new friend.
Yet more updates! WOO!
So, I have a new therapist now. He's a DBT therapist and his name is Tim. He's extremely cool as far as my first impression goes. He has curly hair like Stephen and he wore a nice vest. I love vests! So yeah, I'm excited to get better, but I'm still not too excited about therapy. I have some experience with it and it's always been bad. And it's not fun talking about what makes you sad anyway. It just makes you sad! Like...the whole point of having a subconscious is so you can cram all your baggage in it.
Also, I just finished my resume and cover letter for the internship at the medical examiner's office. I was ready to turn it in at about 8am - a good "I'm always fresh in the morning" time. And then it dawned on me that my application is in paper and ink form. So...great. Maybe I can go to the library? Either way, I'll have to wait for a morning time again because I think it looks bad when you do it at night. Maybe that's crazy.
Did I mention Stephen is the best? Well, since mid-last year, I've been pining for all kinds of instruments. I eventually bit the bullet and bought an acoustic guitar in October. It was okay, but I quickly became bored and dissatisfied with it. Figuring a bass was more my style (actual riffs instead of chords, no multitasking with singing, etc), I bought a very nice one online. It was used, so I figured getting hundreds of dollars off was a good deal.
It wasn't. As soon as I got it, I turned it into the shop to get set up (which was a hassle in and of itself and another story for another time). A week or so later, the repairman called and said he couldn't adjust anything on it because the neck was so warped. It's useless unless I want to buy another neck.
So I promptly bought another one as I guess I was aching for something to do. I bought a very cool strap and amplifier for it. However, it didn't help. I felt like it would take so long to get any good at it, and I became overwhelmed, even more so than the excitement I had to play MUSE riffs.
And I quickly realized that none of these things was going to help. I needed a viola. I missed my viola. I missed having anything I used to love, really. I had no cat, no rock collection, and no viola. Just books and books about death investigation - which were fantastic, but...not exciting to read more than once. Nothing is that exciting.
Anyway, after waking one day, I decided I was going to get a viola. I drove right over to the store and when I came in, I quickly realized it was Fiddle Fair! Everything was on sale and out on display. I tried a few 16" violas, since that was the size of my old one, and then tried a few 16.5". To my delight, those ones not only fit better, but sounded instantly better. And the one that initially caught my eye with it's stunning varnish was the one I took home. It was the most beautiful looking and the most beautiful sounding instrument in the room. And the lady helping me was a violist herself - only she played a 14.5". So that was interesting to watch!
I LOVE this viola. It blows my other one out of the water. I still appreciate what my old one did for me and all we went through together, but this one is just amazing. And my eternal companion bought it for me. What a gift!
Here she is.
So, I have a new therapist now. He's a DBT therapist and his name is Tim. He's extremely cool as far as my first impression goes. He has curly hair like Stephen and he wore a nice vest. I love vests! So yeah, I'm excited to get better, but I'm still not too excited about therapy. I have some experience with it and it's always been bad. And it's not fun talking about what makes you sad anyway. It just makes you sad! Like...the whole point of having a subconscious is so you can cram all your baggage in it.
Also, I just finished my resume and cover letter for the internship at the medical examiner's office. I was ready to turn it in at about 8am - a good "I'm always fresh in the morning" time. And then it dawned on me that my application is in paper and ink form. So...great. Maybe I can go to the library? Either way, I'll have to wait for a morning time again because I think it looks bad when you do it at night. Maybe that's crazy.
Did I mention Stephen is the best? Well, since mid-last year, I've been pining for all kinds of instruments. I eventually bit the bullet and bought an acoustic guitar in October. It was okay, but I quickly became bored and dissatisfied with it. Figuring a bass was more my style (actual riffs instead of chords, no multitasking with singing, etc), I bought a very nice one online. It was used, so I figured getting hundreds of dollars off was a good deal.
It wasn't. As soon as I got it, I turned it into the shop to get set up (which was a hassle in and of itself and another story for another time). A week or so later, the repairman called and said he couldn't adjust anything on it because the neck was so warped. It's useless unless I want to buy another neck.
So I promptly bought another one as I guess I was aching for something to do. I bought a very cool strap and amplifier for it. However, it didn't help. I felt like it would take so long to get any good at it, and I became overwhelmed, even more so than the excitement I had to play MUSE riffs.
And I quickly realized that none of these things was going to help. I needed a viola. I missed my viola. I missed having anything I used to love, really. I had no cat, no rock collection, and no viola. Just books and books about death investigation - which were fantastic, but...not exciting to read more than once. Nothing is that exciting.
Anyway, after waking one day, I decided I was going to get a viola. I drove right over to the store and when I came in, I quickly realized it was Fiddle Fair! Everything was on sale and out on display. I tried a few 16" violas, since that was the size of my old one, and then tried a few 16.5". To my delight, those ones not only fit better, but sounded instantly better. And the one that initially caught my eye with it's stunning varnish was the one I took home. It was the most beautiful looking and the most beautiful sounding instrument in the room. And the lady helping me was a violist herself - only she played a 14.5". So that was interesting to watch!
I LOVE this viola. It blows my other one out of the water. I still appreciate what my old one did for me and all we went through together, but this one is just amazing. And my eternal companion bought it for me. What a gift!
Here she is.
Tuesday, March 17, 2015
Eh...
Not so good anymore. I don't know if it's the increase in medication, but my depression has gotten worse. I am about to cry every dang second because of my piling amount of failures. I can't stop thinking of how easy it would be to just end this. Of course I am too afraid of the consequences to do it, but I'm trying to get less scared.
At the same time, I'm trying to get more and more help. I finally reached out to the DBT therapist and set an appointment for Thursday (morning! Ugh!). As part of that therapy, you also need to keep up with a separate therapist. So...this will be interesting.
My back hurts more. My posture is deteriorating. I'm rapidly gaining weight. I thought I was pregnant, but I'm not - which I was kind of sad about, really!
Classes are dropping downhill quickly. I've missed almost all of my classes for the past two weeks because I didn't have the motivation/energy/will to go. It was a mistake because now, instead of earning B range grades, I'm probably going to make C- grades. Or maybe fail a class or two. Because I missed those classes.
Oh yeah, turns out I not only had a test and big assignment due yesterday (which I somehow got an A- on), I had a test and huge assignment due today. In sociology. I hate that class so much. The teacher and subject are fine, I just hate talking about social issues with my classmates. It's depressing, irritating, monotonous, etc.
I also missed two, apparently, VITAL homework quizzes for criminal justice. Now I'll be lucky to pass when before I had a B+? B? It really pisses me off. This is how stupid college is: Miss one or two things and your grade is already screwed. I'm trying to reach out to my teachers, but it's hard to think of a viable (non-mental-illness-disclosing) excuse when that's just what it was.
I don't even really need college for what I want to do. I only need an associates. I just want an associates, why on Earth is that SO hard?
*Deep Breath*
Anyway, that bass I bought to try to keep mefixated on anything but Stephen and the deepening sadness happy, turned out to be completely useless. The neck was warped beyond fixing. Just my luck. Also just my luck? A flat tire yesterday while my phone was out of battery and my tank was empty. These are minor things in the grand scheme, but it seemed very planned at the time.
So I bought another bass today, and we'll return the old one for what better be a FULL refund.
Also, I'm about to finish up an application for an internship at THE MEDICAL EXAMINER'S OFFICE!!! It's a pretty confidential position, so I can't say much about it (who knows if I'll even get it), but I'm really excited for the chance! That would just be amazing if I could land it. But, most likely, they'll be giving it to someone further along in a bachelor's program.
Stephen's dad and siblings have been staying with us for a few days. Of course my anxiety has kept me up all night. I've literally gotten maybe 6 hours of sleep in the past two days. It sucks because they're not even doing anything wrong. We've hardly been in the house together at all! I'm thinking of getting a prescription for a sleep aid. I could really use one of those. There are nights, especially when I worked, where I'd just stay up all night because I was so worried about whatever was going to happen the next day. Then, oftentimes, I'd miss that thing entirely anyway (not work, luckily, but other things)! So this would be a good idea. Especially if I want that internship. And I really do.
Anyway, that's about it. Good news and bad.
At the same time, I'm trying to get more and more help. I finally reached out to the DBT therapist and set an appointment for Thursday (morning! Ugh!). As part of that therapy, you also need to keep up with a separate therapist. So...this will be interesting.
My back hurts more. My posture is deteriorating. I'm rapidly gaining weight. I thought I was pregnant, but I'm not - which I was kind of sad about, really!
Classes are dropping downhill quickly. I've missed almost all of my classes for the past two weeks because I didn't have the motivation/energy/will to go. It was a mistake because now, instead of earning B range grades, I'm probably going to make C- grades. Or maybe fail a class or two. Because I missed those classes.
Oh yeah, turns out I not only had a test and big assignment due yesterday (which I somehow got an A- on), I had a test and huge assignment due today. In sociology. I hate that class so much. The teacher and subject are fine, I just hate talking about social issues with my classmates. It's depressing, irritating, monotonous, etc.
I also missed two, apparently, VITAL homework quizzes for criminal justice. Now I'll be lucky to pass when before I had a B+? B? It really pisses me off. This is how stupid college is: Miss one or two things and your grade is already screwed. I'm trying to reach out to my teachers, but it's hard to think of a viable (non-mental-illness-disclosing) excuse when that's just what it was.
I don't even really need college for what I want to do. I only need an associates. I just want an associates, why on Earth is that SO hard?
*Deep Breath*
Anyway, that bass I bought to try to keep me
So I bought another bass today, and we'll return the old one for what better be a FULL refund.
Also, I'm about to finish up an application for an internship at THE MEDICAL EXAMINER'S OFFICE!!! It's a pretty confidential position, so I can't say much about it (who knows if I'll even get it), but I'm really excited for the chance! That would just be amazing if I could land it. But, most likely, they'll be giving it to someone further along in a bachelor's program.
Stephen's dad and siblings have been staying with us for a few days. Of course my anxiety has kept me up all night. I've literally gotten maybe 6 hours of sleep in the past two days. It sucks because they're not even doing anything wrong. We've hardly been in the house together at all! I'm thinking of getting a prescription for a sleep aid. I could really use one of those. There are nights, especially when I worked, where I'd just stay up all night because I was so worried about whatever was going to happen the next day. Then, oftentimes, I'd miss that thing entirely anyway (not work, luckily, but other things)! So this would be a good idea. Especially if I want that internship. And I really do.
Anyway, that's about it. Good news and bad.
Friday, March 6, 2015
Math :(
Hello.
It's been good. I've been doing well in almost all of my classes! It's a good thing I have to stay at school until Stephen is done with work - it forces me to do homework to avoid boredom. A tip for you all!
Anyway, today I'm going to take a test to see if I have dyscalculia. Or maybe it's a test to see if I need to take the test? I'm not sure, but I'm just hoping I do. Not that I want to be labeled with a disability, but I definitely could use the assurance that I won't have to struggle through school.
I've always been bad at math. In elementary school, I was in the lowest math class. And I was the slow kid in that class. I remember them taking me out of class to test me. I'm sure it was to place me in a special needs class or something, now that I look back on it. I struggled through middle school. I had to take summer courses to make up my failed math classes. I had to take one less elective course during school to take math classes. Lastly, in high school, I somehow managed to barely pass algebra, I failed geometry, Algebra 2, and they made up a class for me to take so I could graduate.
So...I'm just hoping beyond hope that they'll cut me a break.
I'm in Math 0950, and I'm barely getting through it. I worry I'll fail and/or never be able to graduate. I haven't tried the math lab yet, or a tutor, so there is some room if I don't have dyscalculia. It's just that people telling me how to do it, doesn't help me do it. Or it does, and I forget entirely.
For instance, in my class now, I managed to ACE chapter 4 after Stephen told me how to do it. Then, two months later after I realized I needed to take an exam on that chapter, I failed. Miserably. I didn't remember any of it.
I don't know. I just really don't want to struggle through this. It's hard enough.
It's been good. I've been doing well in almost all of my classes! It's a good thing I have to stay at school until Stephen is done with work - it forces me to do homework to avoid boredom. A tip for you all!
Anyway, today I'm going to take a test to see if I have dyscalculia. Or maybe it's a test to see if I need to take the test? I'm not sure, but I'm just hoping I do. Not that I want to be labeled with a disability, but I definitely could use the assurance that I won't have to struggle through school.
I've always been bad at math. In elementary school, I was in the lowest math class. And I was the slow kid in that class. I remember them taking me out of class to test me. I'm sure it was to place me in a special needs class or something, now that I look back on it. I struggled through middle school. I had to take summer courses to make up my failed math classes. I had to take one less elective course during school to take math classes. Lastly, in high school, I somehow managed to barely pass algebra, I failed geometry, Algebra 2, and they made up a class for me to take so I could graduate.
So...I'm just hoping beyond hope that they'll cut me a break.
I'm in Math 0950, and I'm barely getting through it. I worry I'll fail and/or never be able to graduate. I haven't tried the math lab yet, or a tutor, so there is some room if I don't have dyscalculia. It's just that people telling me how to do it, doesn't help me do it. Or it does, and I forget entirely.
For instance, in my class now, I managed to ACE chapter 4 after Stephen told me how to do it. Then, two months later after I realized I needed to take an exam on that chapter, I failed. Miserably. I didn't remember any of it.
I don't know. I just really don't want to struggle through this. It's hard enough.
Sunday, March 1, 2015
3/1/15
Today is March 1st.
It SNOWED yesterday! It was amazing! It doesn't look like any of it stuck, but actual snow was more than I could've asked for, so I'm happy.
As you know, my dose has been doubled. 300mg a day to 600. 2 pills 3 times a day. It's hard to keep up on them. The dose is still not perfect. I get all...throat-closey around some people. And around the people I know, I just don't feel that talkative anymore.
It's good to not feel that pressure, but also bad because now I think I'm boring. And somehow still annoying.
Another thing I've noticed is the contradiction that I don't have as much patience or energy for sex, but my libido is just as high as ever, if not even higher (is it possible?). As I think about it, I've come to the realization that maybe I'm not a sexual deviant, but perhaps I just want it more often so I can feel better. So I can feel something.
Yet another thing is the only reason I'm still alive is because I'm too scared to "off" myself. I'm scared of the consequences. Not that I think other people who kill themselves will go to Hell, but I'm almost sure I would for some reason.
Anyway, just some thoughts.
It SNOWED yesterday! It was amazing! It doesn't look like any of it stuck, but actual snow was more than I could've asked for, so I'm happy.
As you know, my dose has been doubled. 300mg a day to 600. 2 pills 3 times a day. It's hard to keep up on them. The dose is still not perfect. I get all...throat-closey around some people. And around the people I know, I just don't feel that talkative anymore.
It's good to not feel that pressure, but also bad because now I think I'm boring. And somehow still annoying.
Another thing I've noticed is the contradiction that I don't have as much patience or energy for sex, but my libido is just as high as ever, if not even higher (is it possible?). As I think about it, I've come to the realization that maybe I'm not a sexual deviant, but perhaps I just want it more often so I can feel better. So I can feel something.
Yet another thing is the only reason I'm still alive is because I'm too scared to "off" myself. I'm scared of the consequences. Not that I think other people who kill themselves will go to Hell, but I'm almost sure I would for some reason.
Anyway, just some thoughts.
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