5 years

If I could take back the last 5 years of my life, I would.

We all make occasional mistakes in life. I was no different. But it seems the last 5 years had the most,  the biggest, and the weightiest mistakes. It started when I left Snow to go to Weber State's Criminal Justice w/forensic science emphasis program. I wanted to go to Weber, and I was planning on doing that program, but I should have stayed at Snow and finished my associates. I loved Snow! I was doing well, but I got antsy and flagellated myself for failing 4 credit hours. I still had As and Bs in my non-failed classes, I had a good GPA, but I started getting nervous.

So I went to Weber State. It was awesome, but my grades started tanking. My roommates were constantly smoking weed and drinking and they always had friends over. I would not have minded the weed and drinking at all, but I was a criminal justice student. I didn't want to put that in jeopardy by associating with people who broke the law. I was also worried about their health and futures, but that was not my call. When I heard they were planning on trying MDMA (ecstacy), I turned them in. I told my landlord when their next party was and I told him how they threw their trash away to hide the evidence. Not that they were clever or any good at it.

As soon as I turned them in, I knew I had to move. The house I lived in was split in two, so I was allowed to simply move to the other side of the house with different roommates. They weren't great either, but just because they were always home. Keep in mind, this whole time I was struggling with my mental health, I was on clonazepam, sertraline, I was getting UTIs, and my grades were tanking. I realized I would be out of money soon, so I began my first job as a waitress.

Bad idea.

That lasted a month. From October to November. I was always there on time, I learned quickly, and I did my best. The reason I quit was purely panic attacks. I had two while there. The second taking place on my last day - the day I broke down in hysterics in the kitchen and left to avoid making a scene.

I ran out of money by February 2012. It was not long after I contacted my husband Stephen for the first time in a few years. I'd Google'd myself over Christmas vacation. Turns out, I was in a dream of his, and therefore, in his online journals. I immediately thought we should catch up! He was my friend for a long time.

That was another mistake. At least the timing was. You know the story by now but, in case you don't, we can make a long story short by saying his most recent ex-girlfriend was one who, unbeknownst to me, held some kind of grudge against me. And they weren't done "seeing" each other yet.

I knew about their secret "relationship" either before our first date or shortly thereafter, but I didn't think it would be a problem after we started dating officially. At least back then, I was stupid, and I was wrong. Our first date was February 14th of that year. I'd maybe just moved back in with my parents after quietly packing up and dropping out of Weber State. Stephen doesn't know, and neither do I, how many times he cheated on me between our first date and our "first time", but it was at least twice. And those two times that I'm sure of took place 2 weeks prior.

There were plenty of mistakes made by me during that time. First of all, I started dating someone when I was in a very fragile place. I'd just started self-mutilating, I'd just lost my job, and I'd just (in my eyes) derailed my entire future by dropping out of Weber State. Stephen was a dream come true. I was happy with him. I stopped cutting, and I stopped all my medication. Another mistake.

Our second time, Stephen made his own mistake and I ended up taking a Plan B. This is where my IBS-C came from. Ever since I took that pill, my whole life has been altered and it wasn't letting up. I began wasting a lot of time and money seeing doctors who'd brush me off and tell me I wasn't drinking enough water or taking enough fiber. I didn't even have room to be embarrassed because I just wanted answers. No one believed me. Especially after I came home with a negative colonoscopy.

I eventually began rapidly losing weight. This prompted a real diagnosis of some freak genetic disease I'd never heard of. Neither problems have been helped. One of them can't be helped. During all of this, Stephen was supportive and loving. I had no idea what had been going on or that he was hiding secrets from me. I learned them eventually though. Right after we ordered our engagement rings. I couldn't even process what was going on. I was so in love and I was excited to get married, I just didn't think about it. It was hard when I did. It only got harder. I said we should get married right away. In October, because I love October. Stephen said it was too soon, so we decided on May of 2013. Another mistake.

I didn't mention that, meanwhile - through all of this, my family was not accepting of my relationship. They were nice to Stephen, don't misunderstand, they just didn't like that I was seeing him. He was going nowhere. He had "no job" (even though he did), he didn't have a phone, and he didn't have a car. Yeah, it was stupid. And terribly frustrating. Whenever I was home (which was rare), I was yelled at or lectured. My dad kept pressuring us to go to school. Basically, I'd be kicked out come 2013, so I should find my way into school. I bought into it, thinking I didn't have another option. This was another mistake.

While looking for apartments at Snow College, Stephen and I decided it would be cheaper to live together. "So", I thought, "we may as well live together." And living together, to me, meant we had to be married. Another mistake.

So, we were going to secretly marry on December 12th. 12/12/12. It was cute, and a once in a lifetime opportunity. Well, my mom quickly found out when I asked my sister to borrow $30 (for a Costco cake). My mom would not allow it, and insisted on a church wedding. I relented, because I didn't need even more guff from anyone. Another mistake.

As you know, my wedding was easily the 2nd worst day of my life. I'd say 1st, but I'm leaving room in case I've forgotten the 1st. It was the worst event in nearly every way. The days before were hellish in that everyone was trying to make this low-budget podunk wedding look like a decent one. Much worse, Stephen's family were acting like bullies and pure monsters, really. They were terrible. My advice? Don't get married. We could've easily lived together. Or even apart, and just seen each other. It would've been simple, and much less frustrating/irritating/heart-breaking/stressful/etc.

Since then, I've suffered. So many things happened that I just can't list them all. Things got much worse. I went from job to job because I'd keep losing them to mental illness. I tried pushing through it. I'd transfer from school to school thinking each time that I could make a fresh start and get good grades again. It never happened. My grades have never gotten better, and I'm very close to being expelled. I've had a few jobs, but none lasting even a year yet. I'm doing everything I can to get better - a therapist, medication, a psychiatrist, not having a job. It's kind of gotten better, but no real improvement.

I just wish I could change the past 5 years. I'd have been much more skeptical of Stephen's actions. I would've stood up for myself more. I would've taken it easy at school instead of trying to keep up with healthy people. I would've waited to find a job suitable for me instead of taking whatever I could get. I'd be happier today, I know it. I can't even imagine how drastically better my life would be.