I am us.

We're always saying as latter day saints that "the world" is what brings us down and defecting from the church brings sadness. Well, in my experience the exact opposite is true. I feel the most hostility and sadness at church or because of something uber-members are saying. I feel as though my religion is what separates me from friends and family the most. They seem to feel like I attack it because I don't share the republican, "we're persecuted" mindset.

I know the gospel is true. I know how I feel when I read Mormon and Moroni and other parts of the Book of Mormon. I feel peace and hope. When I'm hearing things from members on the pulpit and off, I just feel...hostility and separation. An "you're either all-for or completely against us" deal. I am us. I don't know why having an open mind and looking for answers is a problem. If Joseph Smith wasn't open minded and didn't ask questions, where would we be? The church was founded on questions, open minds, and faith.

Now it's like...as so many people like to share "doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith". Which is a trivial snippet from an amazing talk which was meant to welcome others back into the fold, not used as some tool to keep people from questioning. God doesn't want mindless followers who go through the motions, God wants people with real faith and testimonies. Loyalty. Humility.

This is a big reason why I don't go to church. The biggest is the social phobia. Another is the general unease about the operations going on. As you know, Stephen's ex didn't even tell her bishop or her husband the whole truth about Stephen. In fact, the bishop didn't even know Stephen's name. She was able to get married and sealed in less than a year. She ruined my life.

When Stephen and I told our bishop about our premarital relations, we were almost instantly "forgiven". We could take the sacrament. How? I didn't even feel bad about what I'd done. And neither was I asked if I ever felt bad. It was just like...if we just go to church and read the scriptures and continue to do well, we're forgiven.

That doesn't sit well with me. As nice as it would be to be instantly forgiven for everything, I couldn't even imagine being forgiven. Not yet. I didn't even feel bad yet. I guess I did, but only because I had disappointed my mom and set a bad example for my younger relatives. But I never really felt bad for what I'd been doing multiple times a day for months. Something I'd been told incessantly my whole life that it was wrong. I never felt bad. Guilty at first. And scared, but...numb the rest of the time.

Not that I haven't paid dearly for it. However, I just feel like, to be forgiven, you must first be remorseful. And maybe that has something to do with why I began doing it in the first place. I was in a bad place. I'd just dropped out of Weber State because I'd run out of money. I'd lost my job a couple months before due to anxiety. I was depressed, cutting, and my grades were dropping from As and Bs to As and Fs. Why would God let me meet Stephen at a time like that if I wasn't meant to be?

He'd pressured me all the time to have sex. I didn't, but it's not like we weren't doing anything at all. We were doing things we shouldn't have, but I was still a virgin. Then, one night in the back of the car, we were doing what we usually did, and, like always, I was propositioned. This time was different. I remember looking up to the stars for some reason and getting this overwhelming feeling - and maybe I even heard a "voice" of sorts saying: "It will be okay."

So we did it for the first time in the early morning hours of April 18th 2012.

I didn't know it at the time, but God saved me (and others) that day, with that choice. Apparently, Stephen had been seeing his ex behind my back. In fact, 2 weeks prior, he'd had sex with her twice. I was so much in love with Stephen. I've never felt that way before or since. God was saving me from more heartbreak when I later learned what had happened. If there was anymore pain, I probably wouldn't be here.

See, when we were dating, I was in Heaven on Earth. I still can't imagine ever being so happy again. I was so indescribably happy, but it was all a lie. Stephen didn't feel the same way. At least, not at first, so a lot of hurtful things were happening behind my back.

Anyway, just before we got engaged, I was told the Earth-shattering truth. Sounds over-dramatic now, but I was truly crushed. I trusted him. I was certain he truly loved me. He'd learned to, but, because I wasn't having sex with him, he sought it elsewhere.

God saved me the day I chose to give my most intimate gift to Stephen. It was then that he stopped seeing her. Because she no longer got any from Stephen, his ex was able to move on and find a man who turned out to be her eternal companion. He was saved that day, too. She'd had sex with a lot of guys, but I know it hurts less when it has happened less. Not that he knows. He was told she stopped sleeping with him after they stopped dating.

I can't say this is a bad thing. Ignorance is bliss. I know I'd be a lot happier had the truth remained hidden, but honesty is good too.

Anyway, how can I feel bad when what I did saved me? It saved a lot of people. I can't imagine where we'd all be if I didn't make that choice. Not that it didn't have negative consequences. I'm paying for it still. My digestion will never be the same after taking a plan B for an accident we had the second time we ever had sex. I paid for it immediately and I'm still paying for it. But even then...if I didn't have severe chronic digestive issues, I wouldn't have found my PKD.

Repentance isn't repentance without remorse. It's in the definition. So, if repenting without feeling bad first or making amends is cool, what else is cool? Stephen and his ex ruined a lot of my life. I still have nightmares, I have insecurities, trust issues, etc. She wasn't sorry. She even lied about it. Here I am forgiving, but hating her and now I'm the bad guy twice!

The church isn't perfect because it's run and patronized by imperfect people. I get it. So why can't I question and criticize those imperfections without being a heretic or a bad influence? I swear, people around here and a lot of the people I know just believe everything in the church is spotless and everyone is doing things for the right reasons and blah blah blah.

They're not always. And it should be okay to say so without being an outcast or a jack mormon.

Anyway, I know God is always there for me. It was prophesied that I would suffer a lot in this life. And I have made the wrong choices, but never without purpose, it seems. God is looking out for me. I just feel like we have a close relationship. Not that it's good, it's usually me apologizing for not doing all I have the potential to in this life, and him continuing to bless me regardless.

That's another thing. I always say that we're blessed and things are going well. People don't like to hear that because "being good gives you blessings, not being bad!". But every situation is different. God is loving and very, very merciful. Very patient with us. I know he's always been there for me - when I was being good and reading the scriptures all the time, and even now that I'm not doing anything at all ever. I think he knows what I'm in for and what I've been through. We're just close. Close enough that you should probably worry about me! :)

Anyway, this went on a LOT longer than expected and hopefully you were able to find the point to it, because I can't.