Cheating and society

I'm talking about marital cheating this time, ladies and gents.

I recently caught wind of a movement called #BreatheFire. It's a movement inspired by a woman (probably with good intentions) who criticizes Anna Duggar for staying with her husband. She makes some valid points. Anna was raised in a super-religious household. She married into a super-religious family. They don't value educating women in those circles, but this woman claims that's a contributer to the fact that she's staying with him. She says she feels bad for Anna for not saying "enough is enough" and leaving him.

I watched the show long before all of Josh's demons were exposed to the country. I know who Anna is. She is strong. She is kind. She is dedicated. Maybe overly so. I won't pretend to know what's best for her and her family. And I really think she should be thinking about herself alone right now because if mom is happy, everyone is happy. The inverse is also true. And she has every reason to leave right now.

But, regardless of what society preaches, leaving someone like that isn't always the best answer. We don't know all that was going on behind the scenes. And he's no different from a lot of men in this country. In fact, a quick Google search says 70% of married men admit to cheating. It was magazine.foxnews though so...take it with a grain of salt.

Either way, that's a lot of cheating men. Given society's thinking (and assuming that statistic is true), 70% of marriages should end in divorce, not the currently accepted 50%. And why is Anna being criticized at this time? She should be allowed to make her own decision without outside or inside influences. The implication is that she's weak and not empowered. She doesn't know her worth.

Well...a similar thing happened to me.

I'm not going to pretend we're even close to being in the same boat. No one is ever really in the same boat. However, I have been cheated on by someone I love more than anything in the world. It happened before we were married, but it still hurts today. Every single day.

I chose to stay with him and even marry him because I loved him and he changed. He truly changed into a better person and, according to him, it took seeing how badly he could hurt someone for him to realize just how shitty of a person he was. And he really was. Just a great liar, sneak, seducer, manipulator. I didn't see it at the time.

Since dealing with that incredibly painful blow, I've been humiliated, criticized, and called a liar. I'm not sure which one was the worst. I got way more guff about this than either of the actual participants! My jerk (a nice word) of a mother-in-law decided it was a good move to tell "many people" about this and, while doing so, criticized my choice to stay with Stephen. Because she didn't do the same? Does she think everything she does is the right answer? She must. Because that was her reasoning.

Forget her. My point is...why? Why do I need that on top of everything? And I "won" (a scrap of consolation) because, after having sex with me for the first time, he never went back. My therapist says to view it that way anyway. I don't really believe I won anything other than a better Stephen. And that was a good thing among a trash pile of horrible things. At least he knows how much he means to me.

And I was going to leave him once. I think it was about the time we were going to get engaged. He'd crossed my line once again and I was out. He cried harder than I'd ever seen before and promised to change. And he has. A LOT. But she doesn't know that. She doesn't know anything about me.

And we don't know anything about Anna. We all need to stop criticizing her and let her do what she knows is best for her. I don't think for a second that she hasn't considered leaving him. And neither should any of us. We shouldn't assume ANYTHING about her. And, when her final decision is made, we need to support it. Or at least not make things harder on her. For pete's sake.

EDIT: As a side note, I think it takes a LOT more strength to stay with someone who has done this than to drop them like a rock. Not that dropping someone is the wrong answer, but both have their place.