Delusional?

Okay, I'm not delusional.

It might sound like it, but stay with me, okay?


So, I've noticed all my life that people kind of avoid me. I'm not sure in which ways I'm off-putting. I realize I'm not super attractive, nor do I exude any sort of extraversion, but there is more. There has to be. It happens so often, it's hard to recall specific instances, but I remember an obvious one when I was in highschool.

I went to a football game. Believe it. It was the first and only highschool football game I'd been to. I was, of course, early (I'm almost always early, even though I try to be exactly on time). There were plenty of seating options available to me. Not knowing a single thing about football, I decidedly sat in the middle of the middle bench.

Slowly, people filed in. As the start of the game drew closer, there were fewer and fewer available spots to sit. It got very crowded. People were gawking around, looking for seats. I felt bad and looked around for any available seats. I found some. I was surrounded by them.

I kid you not, I was encircled by empty spots. No one sat by me at all.

Needless to say, I moved and eventually found a better spot by the band members. At least I knew some of them. And the music is the best part of football games anyway, right?

There were many mirrored experiences. When the orchestra bus filled up for tour, no one sat by me (then Stephen came in, that was great!). Even sitting at desks without assigned seating, it was rare for someone to sit by me until all other seats were taken.

As I get older, I notice now that, whenever I say something online to strangers, they stop speaking. It's weird. It's happened 3 times that I've noticed in the last month! It's not like I'm keeping track.

Anyway, I'm subscribed to the ward relief society page. When girls need help or they need to borrow or get rid of things, that's the place to go. The girls are always cheerful and friendly. A few of them are pretty blunt, but still cheery and friendly.

So one girl asked if anyone else had been seeing spiders in their appartment. A couple of comments concurred or denied, but then I put in my two cents that I had indeed been visited by these nasties and that they're gross. Nobody commented after that. No one. Nothing.

Then, someone wanted to borrow a plunger. Since no one was offering, I said they could borrow ours and that we also "had a toilet snake thingy if it's needed". Or something similar. Absolutely no response. At all. Usually there is at least a "Oh, I already got one from so-and-so, but thanks!". There was nothing.

Another time, a girl inquired as to a size 4-6 wedding dress that a friend could have. A couple of girls chimed in and offered some advice and help. Then I said "If you get desperate and can pin it or afford to size it down, I have a size 10 wedding dress she could have." Again...nothing. Absolutely nothing happened after I commented.

I seriously don't get it.

There is also the fact that a lot of my extended family on my mom's side (the ones I really care about) just stay away from me. Many of them are friends with my sisters, but not me. I know because I've seen their pages. And I just don't get why me? What did I do? I default to thinking it's my left-wing ways (as they are a VERY right-wing family), but that can't be it. Though they hate left-wing thinking, but they're not shallow. They'd look past that.

I don't know. It hurts sometimes. And as unrelated as it may be, when I was diagnosed with PKD, I felt even further removed from them. It was just one more thing that made me different. Not that I was removed from them. For the most part, they did everything they could to support me.

But when my cousin was diagnosed with deep (at least I imagine) depression, everyone made sure he knew he was loved. They all gathered around him. I have severe depression too. And social phobia. Possibly even agoraphobia (without panic disorder - I took the questionnaire and that was my result). And I just feel like no one cares. I'm suicidal too. I deduce that the diagnosis is just more weirdness on my part and it's sad on him. It doesn't suit him. He shines when he's happy. He's worth supporting, because this makes a difference. And there is a huge difference. I'm happy for him and his progress. I guess I just also envy him in a weird way. Like why does every new difference push me further away, and it brought people to him?

Maybe I am delusional.