I guess that's a bad thing to some people. I guess I agree that the awkwardness is not fun. It's a little strange to realize just how much you've learned about proper grooming and makeup applying...
But, oh man, those were the days.
I was constantly relentlessly bullied in elementary school. It was almost always about my hair - something I didn't understand how to control. My hair was SO extremely curly, but I brushed it every day, because that's what you do. That's what I was taught. By people with straight hair.
On top of that, I was not only shy, but an extreme pushover. I was overly nice to everyone, even to people who didn't deserve it. I remember a specific occasion where I'd just been bullied (yet again) by a group of girls. As if they didn't have anything better to do, like always. I'd usually cry and go to my teachers who'd have me stay in the classroom. It was embarrassing. Mostly just the fact that I'd cry in public.
Anyway, as we were all shuffling in from recess, my bullies approached me. Their demeanor had changed. They were repentant and kind - a facade. They pleaded with me not to tell the teacher about their misconduct. I don't think it had even crossed my mind. I didn't like crying to my teachers. And, maybe because I wanted to be friends and stop being a target, I agreed.
I was that pathetic. I wanted everyone to be my friend.
Then, liberation happened. I remember being in 6th grade and just bursting with excitement over getting a locker. I was excited I could get a new start and meet new people. People who weren't mean and didn't know how vulnerable and fragile I was.
I blossomed in middle school. Sure, I was still awkward looking. I had quite thick, triangular hair, but I'd started straightening it every morning. I'd dye it all shades of red, I put blonde streaks in (once resulting in and orangey blonde gradient splotch right on the top of my head, giving me the nickname "Pumpkin").
I made friends. I only really had Elissa as a friend in elementary school. I also had another friend in 6th grade (the one who helped me discover the viola, for which I will always be grateful), but she moved. I had a group of friends. I made a few different groups of friends!
I don't know how, but I was also much more extraverted. Too extraverted in hindsight. Everyone knew me. I was pretty comfortable with who I was, I loved getting my own style (mostly hoodies, dress shirts, and Glo jeans), and I loved being in orchestra, Hope Squad, and some other club that met after school and focused on creativity.
I was able to start making my own choices about what lunch I ate and how to spend my time. I was able to take a couple of elective classes (until I had to give them up to make up math classes), I met some guys I fancied. Really fancied. And I even met my husband!!!
As an adult, I sometimes wish I was still that person. She was fearless. Or at least much more fearless than I am now. She was confident enough. She enjoyed her new freedom. The world of possibilities was ahead of her. Her grades were still rotten, but she had so much fun and just ruled the world.
I loved it. I've dramatically wasted away since that time. I'm the shell of that girl, and I even miss her sometimes, but I've kept a lot of good things from her. I just wish I also had the confidence, energy, and extraversion. Middle school was awesome!
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