And I feel AWESOME!!
I mean, I never feel awesome, but just have much more peace. I used to think all growing up that I wanted to know everything there is to know about everything. I'm learning that that's not quite true. For instance, there are some things I've learned of in my life that, if I hadn't, I'd be much happier. Much more ignorant (and that scares me for some reason), but happier.
And I think life is trying to teach me that lesson. Although I once loathed the saying, ignorance truly is bliss sometimes.
I do miss getting updates from all the organizations I'm tied to. I miss being filled in on the latest and greatest. Learning new things all the time. However, with my new library card, I'm kind of making up for that. I also still have Yahoo. So I get some news and I still have email.
It's just SO much less of a drag when I'm not surrounded by people who have loud, cruel, thoughtless, baseless opinions being shoved into everyones' faces. I'm so annoying that I'd entertain them and argue and prove them wrong. Nearly every single time (I have some restraint). It gets tiring!
And it's not like I really have over 100 friends. Not even. I doubt most of those people would care much if I was killed tomorrow. I mean, they would, but most of them wouldn't come to the service even. I have a handful of quality friends. I don't need more than 10. And most of my family doesn't post much anyway. Unless it's political or religious things that always seem to put me in some catagory of lesser-thans.
Enough catagorizing and bad-mouthing people! Enough unfounded hatred and willful ignorance. It hurts my poor little heart. It makes me very sad. And I know I'm beginning to look like a crusader for the defenseless. That was never my intention. I'm not that pretentious.
There was just a lot of contention as well and, by trying to stop it, I added to it. A lot.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
There's also the fact that it's my tie to everyone. I almost never know where my phone is, so it served as my social circle. Not hearing from anyone, unfortunately, has been peaceful. I worry it will make things worse mentally, and it's one step closer to hermitude (something my therapist has been very wary of). I hear a lot of times that mental health is dependent on others. I'm really not seeing that. I think mine is dependent on the absence of others. Or maybe I'm just a much bigger wuss than I thought.
Being around people just hurts. I really hate that I can't be comfortable. I can't be my own self, no matter how hard I try. I'm a pretty rad person...kinda. This is such a stupid issue! No, I don't think people are judging me, I am judging me!!! My body betrays me and starts shutting down just because I'm around people? Do you understand how frustrating that is!? I can't take it anymore! If I had a gun, I'd shoot myself today. I don't know how I can make this a non-issue because I can't change how my body reacts!
Yesterday, I only spoke to like...5 people total. Stephen, my academic advisor, some guy at the computer lab, and a worker at Bajio, and some other worker at the Chocolate Factory.
I only said one sentence to the guy in the lab and I almost cried afterward. It was so humiliating and frustrating. How am I supposed to fix this???? Ever??
I thought I loved people. I think I still do. They are very hurtful and untrustworthy, but I love them. My life purpose is to aid them in any way I can. How can I do that like this?!!
Ugh. Anyway. I meet with my therapist today. Maybe. I really don't want to go because I'm having a pretty rough-ish day so far. But maybe that is the best time to meet him.
No comments:
Post a Comment