Going insane

I don't know what to do anymore.

I'm in school and people keep asking what classes I'm excited about.

The answer is none of them.

Not a single one.

The only benefits of staying in school at this point is to maybe one day attain my associates degree. Finally. My associates degree. I calculated it and this would be my 7th semester. That's enough, if I'd played my cards right, for a bachelor's degree after next semester. I've taken nearly twice as long as it normally does. It's mostly because I've been earning UW grades. Why? Because of my mental illnesses. It just makes me wonder why I'm even doing this. As it is, I'm going to have a very hard time holding a job. Why? Because of my mental illnesses.

I mean, the last job I had, I was able to keep for 9 months (I think). And I ultimately quit that one because of the monster assistant manager I had. Who would pick me out. It sounds so stupid, but it really happened. I was miserable. I hated going to work. I had nightmares about work, and not just at the start. I dreaded answering the phone - a big part of the job. I tried my best to be great at everything else just so I wouldn't have to face people. Not to mention the till, which I barely learned to run during my last few months there. Luckily, there was a gal who liked getting the till. Maybe because she was trying to avoid the phones. I'd rather have phones, so I like to think that we had an unspoken deal going on. Sans monster assistant manager girl, I think I could've maybe done that job for another couple of years. But not longer. I was quite stressed. The only real friends I had were Stephen and a paramedic student named Nate. He was rad. We'd share body stories and things we were learning. It's funny because I told him he'd miss me when he left, but he said he wouldn't (of course). Then he did. That was the sweetest thing about him leaving. And, after he left, monster assistant manager girl went supersayan.

Anyway, my point is that I just don't feel like I'll ever get anywhere with my life anyway. My doctor asked us if we'd been talking about having kids yet. I feel like my time for having babies is running out. So...even if I was to get any degree, what's the use? I'll be pumping out and raising a couple of babies in the next few years here. Then at least 5 years after that to raise them. By then, are my skills even marketable? Are they as sharp as those of new graduates?

I know I worry too much. It's part of the package, but I think these are all legitimate. As it is now, I go into school and I just sit there thinking "Oh no...we have to work in groups? Time to drop the class." "How much is this textbook going to cost?" "I'm supposed to have learned all of this since last time?" "How am I already so far behind?" "What am I even going to do with a criminal justice degree?" "College sucks." "Liberal education sucks." "How am I going to pay for this?" "Why am I taking this stupid class?" "Why am I here?" "What about mortuary school?" "Is there an easy way around all of this?" "There has to be something better out there." And then, before I know it, class is over. Just another 16 weeks of this nonsense.

Why does anyone do this? Where have all the tradeschools gone?