Better? (An Update)

I was recently asked about my weightloss from a family member. I haven't lost too much weight this time. Just 13ish pounds. But I guess it looks like more.

I gain and lose weight like no one's business. One year, I inexplicably lost around 50 pounds. The next, I regained 30 of those pounds. Now I'm losing weight again! It's going away more slowly than before, and I know why it's happening this time. It's my medication. I rarely eat to make myself feel better anymore, I just eat until I'm full.

I explained this to my relative, who then asked: "So you're doing better?"

I replied "Yeah!" without hesitation. But is it true? My therapist is always saying I've come so far since February, but I really don't see nearly as big an improvement as he makes it out to be. I'm not as active with my suicidal intentions. I've stopped cutting, I suppose... but I still feel horrific. I guess I'm no longer desperate, but now I just feel useless, lifeless, and hopeless. There is no more urgency to end my life, but I still think of it every single day. I have to tell myself every single day to keep going. I don't know what for, but I know the alternative is to face the consequences of possibly messing up, dying and facing punishment, or even just hurting those around me.

Every day is just like...why? Why am I still doing this? Why am I still here?

I no longer have motivation to "follow my dreams". I don't know if I even have those anymore. I think I may be done with college. My only aspiration at this point is to feel better someday and to make some kind of difference. Bring some kind of meaning to my stupid, mistake-ridden life that I nearly single-handedly screwed WAY up. I keep trying and trying to reccouperate, but I just can't anymore. I'm so tired of trying. It seems everything I do is a mistake.

Anyway, these feelings are constant, but I have been trying to change things lately. My sister recently contacted me with a job offer. It was a temporary position with a group I don't agree with on all accounts, but they're nice people and the office is fancy. Besides, my role in the system is inconsequencial to the cause. It's all the way in Salt Lake City, but the need to fill the position seemed desperate. The extra cash doesn't hurt either!

Man, it's been hard. I'm already in interaction overload, and I can't take too much of a break before coming back into the office. I have to travel for about 4 hours to get there and back (using public transit). So that's more time I have to spend away from home. But, even given this and the many other problems I'm not mentioning, I feel like I'm being productive for the first time in a long time. I have some kind of small purpose - even though it's ultimately meaningless. I feel like I'm contributing to my family for once.

So...I'm trying to push through all the negative aspects of this life event. Just 5 or 6 weeks left and it's back to being a simple stay-at-home wife.

Or is it? I should mention that I've also been contacting funeral homes in search of some experience opportunities. So far, all the ones in Provo and Orem are not hiring, but I'm expanding my search to include all areas north up to West Jordan. It was inspired by taking the frontrunner. There are so many places I could go without driving! My world has expanded!

So I guess there is a glimmer of hope somewhere. I'm hoping I don't mess anything up. I'm hoping I can find my birth certificate so I can get paid. I'm hoping I can get a day or two to rest soon and contact more funeral homes!

Am I doing better? Maybe.