Medical Update?

I've been feeling very horrible lately. It may be the fact that I went from 300mgXL Bupropion back down to 150mgXL. I did it because I wasn't noticing any depression-related benefits. I'd see spiders everywhere that weren't actually there. I blacked out at one point and completely lost track of time and didn't know where I was when I "came to". I'd get dizzy spells for no reason. There were good things too - like weightloss and even better orgasms, but the weightloss was caused by the induced anorexia. I was never hungry. I had to make myself eat. I remember once that I couldn't even eat more than fries and half a burger. ME!!

Anyway, I went back down to 150mgXL. The benefits just weren't worth the bad side effects. But now this isn't really working at all anymore. I'm gaining a lot of weight back (almost passing back into where I was pre any treatment), I'm absolutely miserable, and it's really hard to orgasm at all again. It's like it's no longer effective.

So I've been feeling pretty horrible. Useless. Waiting to die. Hoping my results are bad news...they're not so far. Blood tests are normal and blue nevus is not cancerous and is, in fact, not a blue nevus. They said it was vasculature-related and also a hemangioma. Which doesn't make sense because those are red to purple, are congenital, only grow on babies, and usually disappear by age 10. So I don't think they know what it is, but it's gone now. Just waiting on the 24-hour urine results now. Those are the most important as far as estimating kidney decline.

This turned into a medical update. Sorry.

It's just kind of hard to explain how I've been feeling. I just wake up and it feels like it's the same day just prolonging itself. I feel very empty and hopeless. But it's not like pre-treatment. At that point, I was ready to and willing to kill myself and actively hoping someone would crash into me or something. I was very sad. Now it's different. I'm not even sad, I'm just empty and over it. Just operating this body while my soul is somewhere else. Going through the motions of being alive and a person. I'm already dead on the inside, basically. That sounds so emo... I don't know. I'm only ever decently excited when I'm with Stephen - especially when we're eating. I'm so hedonistic about it, too. Now I'm eating a lot and all I look forward to is eating more - especially with Stephen. I don't even really look forward to sex anymore! And I used to be very active about that.

It's hard just to get out of bed and it's getting harder to shower every other day. When other people talk to me I just feel like everything I say is stupid and useless and it's just frustrating and headache-inducing to leave my apartment. I see Stephen in less than 2 hours. That should be nice I suppose.