I dropped all my classes last night.
And I already feel a little better. Of course I'm worried out of my mind about paying for things and all the future bad consequences of my choice, but as far as feeling like I'm doing something wrong? No longer.
It took a women's therapy group to realize what was going on.
No one was saying much (there were only 3 of us at the start), and the only other girl who wanted talk time was finished. When it was my turn, I only meant to get some advice on feeling so incredibly lost and overwhelmed. I wondered if it was normal - if it was just beginning of semester madness or something else. Quite quickly, however, more information on my life was necessary, and I tried to sum up everything that was going on.
I already feel overwhelmed and so far behind because I can't afford my textbooks yet because I'm waiting on financial aid that I'm having to do all this petition nonsense to *maybe* get it in the future because I lost it due to missing so many classes because I'm so mentally ill. I feel like a failure of a wife because I can hardly keep the house clean and I rarely make dinner - so what do I even do anyway? Why am I so overwhelmed with nothing? I feel apathetic toward nearly every single thing in my life. Is it the fact that I'm still expirementing with my medication? And on top of it, now I'm really feeling the pressure to have babies before time runs out. I know he didn't mean to rush anything and he said I could maybe go until 35 years old, "but sooner rather than later". If he didn't mean for us to start having kids pretty soon, why would he bring that up now? Why would he start telling me about a kidney team he knows of in Salt Lake?
And then of course there is the usual "Why am I getting a degree at at all? Will I ever be able to work?" It's been my life's dream since I was 5 years old to have a career. The first one being meteorologist, which I find hilarious now because I'm no good at atmospheric science. Let alone chemistry and physics. But now that I can plan for my future it's just like...finish at least one degree, have babies, and begin dying. That's what I expect - though I realize anyone can die at any time.
I digress, I told them everything. And they didn't really know what to do with it at first. One of the girls spoke up about her struggle with finding the right medications for depression. Another girl could relate in that she has a disease (much more visible than mine) that could shorten her lifespan. Those were close enough. Then they all began saying that their struggles alone were hard enough and that I had a lot on my plate.
And there it was.
Oh my gosh, I do have a lot on my plate!
Sometimes I feel like people around me try to ignore my problems because they believe they can't really help with them. They don't know that they do help by being there, and that's enough. But it makes me feel alone and different, so I try to ignore them too. I always noticed that things were harder for me than they were for other people academically. Though I could never pinpoint why. I thought I was like everyone else and that I was just somehow lazy or something. People were always calling me lazy. But I'm very mentally ill. I am very physically ill - and that will only get worse. It's like the ultimate vindication. People kept assuming the worst of my hygiene when I was getting frequent UTIs. They kept assuming the worst when I got bad grades - not that I was incapable, but that I was just being lazy, which hurt my feelings even more because I felt like I was always giving everything I had and still falling short. And I was hard enough on myself. My whole life's goal was to be successful and the best at my chosen career, and I could hardly graduate high school!
This whole time I was comparing myself to "normal" people. And I am not "normal".
Anyway, I just realized that I do need to take a break. And not to be ashamed about that. It's bad timing, but I can't handle whatever is going on right now while trying to go to school at the same pace as "everyone else".
I also realized (as I was going through the appeals process) that I've been going to different schools - not to follow my dreams, but to go wherever I could get aid - because I kept insisting on pushing myself instead of going at my own pace. As a result, I ended up losing aid at every school because of my bad grades. Now, my once-amazing GPA is rubbish and I'm quickly running out of aid. I've just ruined my academic career trying to be like everyone else and ignoring my worsening issues.
I believe in pushing yourself. I believe in pushing through things, but sometimes it's just better to go at your own pace. I can't be too upset that it took me THIS LONG to realize what I was doing. Before, I didn't have a chance of going anywhere without financial aid. Now, going back to a community college with a hard-working husband, I can have a chance. Heck, maybe I can get a job now that I'm not going to school full time and it's not a million bucks a semester (6 credits at UVU is nearly twice as much as 6 credits at SLCC)! I've ruined that too. My resume is junk mostly because of my mental illnesses and me not taking a hint. Though, I was desperate at those times, so I can't blame me for that either.
It's all coming together. It's taken a long time, but I can get an AAS in criminal justice at SLCC in 20 credits and then go for my AAS in mortuary science for thousands of dollars less than getting a bachelors at UVU. And, if I'm understanding my aid right, my pell grants run out in 2 semesters, so I'd never be able to get my bachelors there anyway. I may not have been able to get my associates even.
Anyway, this is just a rough draft plan, but I'm finally able to truly take control over my own education. I don't need to follow the money. That was so stupid, and it took a lot of time to figure it out, but it's better to let go after you've spent a lot of time making a mistake than to continue to waste time making that mistake.
There's also this:
I think it's about time I start blooming. At my own pace.
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