Dress Your Truth

When I was with my therapist on Wednesday, our conversation was relatively light. We spoke mostly about getting a job at a mortuary (anything to get me out of the house - he thinks it would help) the whole time. And he gave me great advice, as always.

At the very end of the session, I decided to ask him a question that'd kept me up through the night. I'd been trying really hard to find out for certain whether I was warm, cool, or neutral. Because I don't know if I want a gold dreamcatcher necklace or a silver one.

Seriously.

He majored in art, so I knew he'd know something about it. He said I was "probably more warm". Which was surprising, becaues I'd always been told I was cool. From a young age. He then recommended a program I'd heard about a couple of times before: Dress Your Truth.

It is a unique program designed to emphasize natural beauty through personal discovery and identification. Ultimately, there are 4 "types" representing Air/Gas, Water/Liquid, Fire/Plasma, and Earth/Solid...? Earth, I think. Every woman has some of all of them within her, but one is dominant.

True to character, it took me a lot of time to decide that I was a type 2. Water. This is the sensitive type person who blends into the background. She's soft and connected. She makes lists and has piles of things around her house. She wants to be comfortable and, more importantly (and what made me sure of my type), she wants everyone around her to be comfortable as well. That has always been my ultimate goal with social interractions. And I've always felt like I utterly fail at that. I get very down on myself for it. I'm extremely insecure about it.

As I was reaching my realization, I got worried. Firstly that I was making the wrong choice, but secondarily because this type is the "weak" type. The demure, typical female role. I was wondering why that made me so uncomfortable. Was it the feminist deep inside, ready to tear me a new one? Urging me to be strong and outspoken? Was I wrong? Why did I want so badly to be wrong?

I found my answer in another Youtube video (sorry, the title is lost on me). In it, the creator of the program discusses a woman's discovery of her type 2 self. And that's when it clicked. She was always told things like: "Suck it up." "Stop crying." "You're too sensitive." As if sensitivity was a bad thing! Luckily my brain knows better now, but my heart still feels ashamed of this aspect of me. I was always made to feel embarrassed about showing any sort of emotion, really.

I was just always told to stifle who I am. My type 3 dad (the boss) would get angry with me for sleeping in during the Summer, or for having my clothes piled on the ground. As a ISTJ, type A, Red, type 3 personality, he just didn't understand me on a lot of levels.

Then there was my mom, a type 1 (the free-spirit) who just couldn't understand why things would get to me. The rest of my family was the same way. I was always made to feel embarrassed about any kind of emotion that wasn't "strong" or "chill". So that's maybe where the front comes from. And also maybe part of why I hate myself so much.

And that's not to say they were bad parents or a bad family, they just weren't aware. I wasn't even aware! But a lot of things make sense now. I know this whole thing is about clothing and dressing to your true self but, like always, I learned so much about my personality and the personalities of others. I'm kind of excited to try dressing as my type 2 self and seeing where it can take me. Perhaps it will help with the social issues. I hope so anyway...