"I"

I think I've let something damage me.

It's no secret that my in-laws have been inexplicably cruel to me. I've gotten the brunt of the bullying for any perceived wrong-doing. Once for inviting my brother-in-law to Stephen's birthday party (yup, my fault for trying to help someone feel included and like their birthday mattered), many times for Stephen and I's friends "not liking" my brother-in-law's wife, once *by a lot of people* for Stephen not inviting his grandma personally to our stupid wedding, once for not looking at my brother-in-law's wife enough, and of course once for staying with my husband after he'd cheated on me whilst we were dating because I wasn't sleeping with him.

I mean...these are just the things I know about. And I'm not even mentioning the rolled eyes, snubs, gossip, and outright name-calling. And they've tried sending me stupid gifts in place of an apology - which is just more insulting. My mother-in-law will just get through with berrating me and then text Stephen and tell him how awesome he is and how proud she is of him.

This is becoming a rant...

ANYWAY, of all the things I've been through for that man...the hellish awakening of IBS-C as a result of emergency contraception I had to pay for and take because of his mistake, the humiliation, betrayal, and utter heartbreak of his infidelity and manipulation, the judgement and guff I get from his family for THEIR misconceptions of my actions... the names are the worst. Firstly because they're completely off. Not me at all. Second, because I start to believe their fallacious misgivings.

What they don't know is that I'm hard on myself. I am my toughest judge. I have a well of faults that I acknowledge and obsess over, I truly have no need for their false labels. Unhumble, judgemental, childish, prejudice... But one really gets to me in particular...

Self-centered

It's something I was already self-conscious of before. I use "I" WAY too much in my writings, whether it's here or Facebook. I usually explain it away with the fact that I rarely see any other human beings in my typical week. I rarely interract with anyone else except for Stephen. How could I not only talk about myself and my thoughts? It's not a choice.

Yet there it is. And, everytime I have the displeasure of talking to my mother-in-law, she does everything she can to make me feel like I'm making it about me. She'll ASK me about me or say something related to me and then I'll respond, using the appropriate delivery, and then it's: "Not everything is about you!"

I REALIZE THAT!!!

And her stupid sister thinks the same way. And I'm sure a lot of other family members feel the same about me because they get their "news" from miss loudmouth.

You know...it's never the fact that I have a messiah complex, or that I think I'm better than dishonest people (and I really look down on them. I literally think I'm better than them). It's not the fact that I'm hard to please, neurotic, or uncomfortable to be around. NO! It's LIES! They cling to these LIES they've made up about me. Please...just give me a chance to show you how horrible I actually am first? Maybe?

Stephen never introduced me to them - he thinks that's why they've been so animalistic toward me. I didn't think it could be that (how ridiculous) but, then again, I didn't think a stupid personal invitation would be such a big deal either.

Ugh. I digress (again)...

I just hate myself everytime I write anything about me anymore. This post makes my chest tighten and get all anxious-y. I am not self-centered, I'm a loner. A real loner. I have no one else to write about or pictures of friends or activities to post. I love other people. It depresses me to think of their suffering, but I do it all the time. I am NOT self-centered.

But the damage has already been done. I will question my reasoning every damn time I write something. How many "I"s were in that sentence?