Social Phobia

Some sufferers may use alcohol or other drugs to reduce fears and inhibitions at social events. It is common for sufferers of social phobia to self-medicate in this fashion, especially if they are undiagnosed, untreated, or both; this can lead to alcoholism, eating disorders or other kinds of substance abuse. SAD is sometimes referred to as an 'illness of lost opportunities' where 'individuals make major life choices to accommodate their illness.' - Social Anxiety Disorder Wikipedia Page

I was thinking of joining a support group or something for my social phobia. I fear it's only getting worse. Maybe it's a matter of simply being under-medicated, but maybe I really am just getting worse. Or maybe the depression is getting worse?

I don't know how to even identify what is wrong. How do I know what is wrong when I can't remember ever feeling right?

ANYWAY, the very last sentence of the quote above interested me. Well...I just find it so incredibly accurate and relevent. I do everything I can to avoid jobs where being social would be any part of my life. Even being a crime scene technician doesn't appeal to me anymore because they testify in court. I don't think I'm capable of that. Even as a lowly autopsy technician, I worry about communicating effectively with the evisceration/exploration team. I can't fall back on the job of a funeral director either because there is NO way I'm going to be able to talk to grieving family members. I'm just not skilled or comfortable enough. I'd make them uneasy.

It's easy to see how someone like me could end up on the streets. People like me take drugs or ingest alcohol just to feel okay and then BAM - it's an addiction. Untreated addiction leads to the loss of jobs and family ties. Then the next thing you know you're on the streets because you can't even dream of holding a low-wage entry-level Mcjob (aka: cashiering, call center agent...ing, and waiting tables).

I'm so lucky to have Stephen, but I worry so much about our future. If he keeps working full time, we can't be sealed and he will take a long time to get his bachelors. I don't know if he's stressed or not with his schedule and taking care of me and Millie...I feel so guilty for doing this to him. And I just seem to sit around and use his money for medicine, food, and therapy.

I know he'd be better off without me. It's simple logistics.

I don't know if I can ever work, and that's all I ever wanted out of life - a job that I loved. Earning my own way through life. Independence. Prestige. Passion. Skill. 5 years out of high school and I have no letters to my name. Not even an AS. A dying part of me still wants that. The majority of me just wants it to end and go away.

I'm so tired of going through hoops just to hit brick walls and end up in a worse situation than before. I'm tired of pushing myself so much harder than everyone else just to scrape by. I'm tired of not only disappointing everyone around me, but of disappointing myself.

If I died tomorrow, it would all be over and maybe I could find some peace, but my life will have been so completely void of meaning. I haven't done anything good or worthwhile. Not for anyone else anyway.

I'm just wasting away in such an undignified manner. It's like suffocating an old person with a pillow. I'm the old person just frightened and struggling to breathe while the pillow presses into my face. I'm suspended in time, scratching and flailing in vain. I just wonder how much longer I can do this. I'm so tired of this. And what's next? Having a baby? That poor thing. It would have such a disgrace of a mother. And it will miss out on so much.

That's really all I have left to look forward to/mess up.

I just can't keep this up. I can't keep doing this. I'd be happy if I never spent another day in school, but I want a career that I love and that I can actually do. But I don't know if I can really do anything. I am vastly unequipped for this life.