Alternative?

I can hardly move anymore. My days consist of sleeping, laying on the couch for hours (usually "researching" things, reading, or listening to music), picking up Stephen, and hanging out with him for a few hours, then doing it all over again. You'd think that would be the good life, but it gets very old and very monotonous. It's especially hard for someone who's worth depends on being productive and useful.

I'm not lonely or anything. I like the solitude. It's just that I know this isn't condusive to the type of lifestyle I want. The type of life that means anything. I'm so incredibly miserable even though I have my peace. I have my sanctuary. It's just that...I'm frustrated and disappointed that I don't really have a choice, you know?

I don't have the energy to do what I want, let alone the will. The drive. It's just very hard to get myself to care about anything, or to feel anything other than massive disappointment, frustration, anxiety, hopelessness, and misery.

I can't push anymore.

My apartment is usually messy, with piles of things everywhere - recycling, clothes, dishes, trash from fast food places...it's generally cluttered and a little dirty, even. I'm beginning to further neglect my appearance. I don't know how much worse it can get.

I missed my appointment with Tim last week, but I see him on Wednesday...but I don't know what to do. Apparently, Paxil working so well the first time I took it is a bad sign. So...great. I've looked into ECT recently. I'm a candidate, but the problem is the risks. It's especially risky for people with vasculature problems and aneurysms. Which I know PKD messes with vasculature, and gives me a decent chance of having aneurysms just waiting for the right blood pressure spike (which ECT can do). Not to mention the Factor 5 Leiden, which makes me 7 times more likely to have a stroke. So...it's extra dangerous. Also, I'd have to get off my gabapentin before I start treatment.

That was basically my last hope. That, and ketamine infusions (which UofU hospital does). Those aren't covered by insurance, however. If I am stuck like this, I'd rather just risk it, because my life means nothing right now. I'm willing to die trying to change that.