But of course no one can have a perfect relationship, no matter how lucky you think you are or how blessed. No matter how attractive or smart your significant other is, no relationship can be perfect. Because there are two different people trying to blend their lives together. Their opinions may be different, their personalities may be too different (or too much alike), their preferences for whatever may be different...lots of things! Two individuals making a life as if they were only one.
Maybe I'd talked to Tim about the nightmares coming back. I don't remember telling him I was becoming uninterested in being married at all (just for the sake of not dealing with the status), but I was. I can't seem to get over what happened. It's been years now, and things are usually fine, but there are these bouts of insecurity, despair, and loss that come over me. Even a compliment said the wrong way will bring it all flooding back. I can't seem to process it enough, even though I've tried almost everything - literally - to get over what happened.
And most days are easier than others now. At first, I couldn't think of anything else. I was so SO angry. I was even more hurt. I felt betrayed and broken. I'd cry at work, I'd consider suicide constantly, I remember looking at the sky so many times and just wondering "why me?".
But now I've realized why.
It will never completely go away. And my personality has suffered (I'm much more paranoid and impatient) but, overall, things will probably be better than they would've been otherwise. Obviously I'd have loved it if my fairytale romance wasn't a facade, and that I could've lived that out quite a bit longer than I did, but having the ugly truth beaten over my head made our relationship stronger.
Sounds weird like that...but it's true. We've already gone through the worst. Even if he developes a drug addiction, or we never have kids, or one of us becomes physically disabled, we can get through it. Because we got through this. We had to tear everything away, and strip all the negative aspects of who Stephen was, and then I got to meet the real Stephen. The one behind all the walls and exteriors he'd built - whether through (undesirable) familial traits and policies, or through insecurity, habit, impulse - we stripped them all. And now he's a much better person - because he's himself now.
I'm happy for him. And I'm happy for us. I know he loves me because he's stuck with me through every bout of despair, anger, resentment, and insecurity. I hope he knows I love him because of all the suffering he caused. So...we truly know we love eachother. I thought I knew we loved eachother before it happened, but this is different. Much deeper. Deeper than I thought was possible.
No matter what, even if we did divorce, we'd be on good terms, because I truly care about that man. He's let himself be the quality man he always hid. And maybe I had to pay for that, but he's paying for me now, so we're even :)
We just have the rest of our lives to make our strong relationship even better. And we're so lucky. Because there will be rough spots. There has to be - it's the nature of marriage, but the worst is over for us. Other relationships that haven't been through something that difficult are not as strong. Maybe they'll never go through something as difficult, but instead have many semi-difficult things to go through (loss of interest over time, work schedule issues, whatever). And we may too, but these things aren't as bad. We have perspective, you know?
I'm trying to say this in a way that doesn't sound arrogant or pompous, but it's not going well. I just know things now. I know I love him, and that I always will. I thought I knew that before. And maybe this had to happen. I can't see how Stephen could've improved and changed without it. I don't see how I could've realized the depths of my patience and forgiveness without this.
I don't know. Whether it's in the first 10 years of marriage or the last 10 years, there will be struggles. Ours happened before we were married. He supports me as I continue to struggle. But it's becoming easier to move on. I actually have days where it never crosses my mind anymore! Maybe, in 5 years, things will be great. They can only improve. We scarcely ever fight. And, when we do, they only last a few minutes or, rarely, overnight. Things are great, besides what I still find a way to hold on to.
But things will only get better, as far as our marriage goes. We're stronger every day. I couldn't care about Stephen more than I do now. He's my flesh and blood, basically! We've been through our toughest battle, so the best is yet to come.
Bring it on!
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