Update 10/08

I just realize the last 3 or so posts are imitations of eachother. My bad.

So Tim has been giving off strange vibes the last couple of sessions. I don't know if he was having a bad day both times or if he's going through something (who isn't?), but I left both sessions feeling discouraged. I think he thinks I'm giving up. Or that I've stopped trying. He was not pleased with my confession that I've been holding off on calling a person at/going to the office (where I work for the time being).

I'd developed three sizeable mouth ulcers, I couldn't sleep, and my dandruff (which is normally well-managed) flared up epically. From like...3 days of going to work. And I can't even pinpoint what is bothering me so much.

Somehow, the rest of the session was spent with Tim telling me we sometimes need to "suck it up" and do things even if we really, really hate doing them. He's not normally like that. He has always said he'd be honest with me no matter what, but this just seemed uncharacteristically unempathetic. And he knows I push through things. He knows I do my best. It's not that I hate phones or phone calls, I'm scared. I get extremely uncomfortable anyway, but if I'm talking to someone I don't know, it's just horrific- and I can't handle more terror in my life right now. Just thinking of it made my eyes wet and my chest tighten. Even now, I feel like I do right before I present to a group of peers. And even that is preferable.

I cried for hours afterward because I felt so stupid. Even in the workbook, we're getting to the point of exposure, and I'm really not ready for it. I'm hoping DBT therapy, the kind my psychiatrist recommended (and the reason I sought a therapist in the first place), will not utilize exposure. Maybe I can ask him to use that method singularly. There has to be another way to "cure" me than shoving me into a pool of irrational fears and traumatizing the hard-wired reactions out of me. Seriously. I think this is barbaric - like something we'll look back on in 100 years and roll our eyes about.

I'd love to try ECT. I'm considering taking Paxil again, because it worked, but the side effects were intolerable. Perhaps it would be worth it at this point. I just want to feel better.