Ignorance is Bliss

I am doing alright today. I'm calm, not too miserable, and a little slow. But not bad at all.

When I first woke up, I was nervous because I felt like I had something to do or someone to see. I do, but it's not urgent and it's not...necessary. I don't have to, but I should? You know?

I wrote in my journal about some hard things. People can be very cruel sometimes. And I don't understand their lack of good judgement. I realize some people are more logical and don't use empathy or sympathy in their judgements. But even just being a decent human being is hard for them. I don't understand those kinds of people.

When Stephen's mom would gossip about the cheating, she would criticize me for (a.) staying with Stephen and (b.) being "so mad at the woman". She had no idea then, and she hasn't got one now. She told "many people" about it. I wonder how many of them agree with her. It's dumb because, of the three people involved, I am the last person one should criticize. And why? Because I chose to stay with the person I loved? I can't remember if we were about to get engaged or if we were already engaged when he told me, but I didn't have time to process it. I was trying to be happy. I was going to marry the person who made me the happiest I'd ever been. And I should just leave him because of horrible, thoughtless choices he'd made with a harlot months before?

Her logic was that she did left her man when he cheated on her. That's great for her. If it was the right decision for her, great. But I'm not her. Thank God. Why does she think her decision was good and mine is bad? What makes her right and me wrong? I think the most insightful way to look at it is that every couple is different. Obviously, she didn't love her man as much as I love Stephen. Or perhaps they had other irreconcilable issues that played into it. No matter what, every couple is different. And sometimes leaving someone is a great idea, other times it can be worked out. Tim told me about some couples he'd treated after infidelity and they became a stronger couple.

This pain will never go away. She has no idea, no matter how much she pretends to. And to sit around and gossip about me (which she seems to do A LOT of - I'm not that interesting) and criticize me with what little information she had is deplorable. Unforgivable. Why do I deserve that? What had I done (you know...the 7 months I dated him, 3 months we were engaged, and then a year afterward) to piss her off? She'd never spoke to me. And, on the rare occasion she'd reply to my OVERLY-nice emails, she'd say "I don't hate you, I just need time to get to know you."

Funny, because it took less than 2 months to know Rachel. And tell her about such a private and painful experience for me. And get her to think the same thing - that I'm stupid or weak for staying with Stephen and "hating the woman" so much. She even said to me when we first hung out by ourselves that she had a completely different idea of who I was because of Stephen's mom.

She's just a horrible person. I don't know what I did to deserve someone as horrible as her in my life. And she reminds me so much of Karyn. They say half-truths and twist words to avoid the actual truth. They refuse to just be upfront and honest. I had to ask Stephen's mom so many times to tell me who she told and she only ever got to "many people". After like...10 tries. Who the fuck knows? I can't believe she'd do that.

And her reason was retaliation for what I'd said on Facebook. I only used FACTS and I said that she was still friends with Karyn on Facebook. I'd asked her many times before to unfriend her and she just WOULDN'T. Even when Stephen got involved and threatened to cut her out, she still resisted. Why? If Karyn meant nothing to her and she was given this perfect opportunity to show one SPECK of respect for me, why would this be hard for her? Why resist at all?

Anyway...seems fair, right? I tell my friends on Facebook (who aren't judgemental and are real friends) the FACT that she hates me and would not remove Karyn from her friends list, and she tells "many people" about the infidelity and how I'm "so mad" at "the woman".

She's an absolute snake. I don't think I've ever met such a genuinely horrible person. What did I do? After her not speaking to me at all for the whole time I was dating, engaged, and married to Stephen for nearly a year, I swore at her over the phone. I cussed her OUT. Mostly I was mad at Stephen for not standing up for himself or me, I just heard her blathering away on the phone while he sat there looking mad. So I took the phone and cussed her out. She, of course, cried about not having a girl ever. Which is the DUMBEST thing I've EVER HEARD! You have two healthy boys, you have NO room to complain! Let alone CRY about it. She pretends to be so emotionless, but she's a wimp if I've ever met one. And apparently, she was implying that I made Stephen not like Dr. Who anymore. Which is also THE DUMBEST THING I've EVER HEARD! First of all, I've wasted too many hours of Dr. Who to make Stephen happy. I gave it a looooong chance. A good chance. I just didn't like it, okay? What? It's not like I told Stephen he couldn't watch it. He was welcome to. BUT WHO THE FUCK CARES anyway?!!? It's just a stupid dumb nerdy retarded show. Who cares?!

She later learned about how I was forced to watch Dr. Who during the time he was seeing someone else behind my back. And suddenly now it's understandable why I dislike Dr. Who. She's such a wench.

Anyway. Now I'm gossiping. It's not even that I REALLY dislike her, it's just that there are people out there like that. Who act all nice around others while being a flat out monster to some. And for WHAT? I'll never know. I don't know what I did to deserve her ignoring me for the first 2 years I was with Stephen. Or why she was such a dick later, but I don't care anymore. I'll do my best to keep my family away from her evil influence. I'd be happy if I never saw her again.

Okay done.

Anyway, I got that off my chest in my journal. And then I was good. I wanted to listen to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Though writing that after what I just wrote seems wrong. I don't know... the more I can block out all my past stuff and future stuff and even some communications in the present that I really ought to get to, things are okay. I feel okay.

It's a fool's paradise. Ignorance is bliss.