Weird

I've been feeling completely weird.

It's not misery, it's not suicidal, it's not hopeless. Like usual. It's just...lost? Some anger, maybe? Apathy, for sure. Aimlessness. Purposelessness. Unwanted. Useless. Bored. Fed up?

I don't really care about much anything anymore, but I'm not hopeless in that I have my "in" (the mortuary one). I still have no idea what I did to deserve that kind of break, but I'm still so grateful. The scratch is that I just can't be bothered anymore. With anything - including career stuff.

ME! Not caring about CAREER stuff!

Something is wrong. And I keep seeing spiders and registering every foreign fabric or fallen hair as a spider. Even when I'm in bed and I know it's just my blanket, I flip out and feel down there anyway.

I can't see past today. I sit around and just think of how much of a waste of space I am. But not really in a suicidal way. Not more than usual. I just Don't. Care. I'm stuck in a bland, trite, vapid existence. Nothing matters. Nothing brings any lasting comfort or excitement.

But I know that will change next week. That's right, it's week-before-period time, and that means the misery will be back and I'll feel like absolute detritus. Because that's what always happens. http://www.webmd.com/depression/news/20050128/depression-symptoms-worsen-before-menstruation

It'll be okay, because I know how to deal with it. But I don't know how to deal with this. It's almost worse. I feel nothing!

Other than this new kind of Hell, everything is fine somehow. I can't speak for Stephen, but I know I don't do anything to deserve these blessings. Yet we have so many. And this rain has been divine! It's the small victories.