Scary!

Okay, so I think I'm better now.  I am scared to say it, but I don't think I'm even depressed anymore. It's great and all, but I don't remember ever feeling "normal". I feel much better, and it's hard because I don't know how to act. It's new. And Tim says all change is scary - good or bad.

I'm also afraid that it will go away, or that I'm not as healthy as I think I am. You know? It was severe, so I wonder if it's just mild now and I'm going to push myself too hard if I try anything. I'm basically paralyzed, because I can do things now, but I don't know how much is too much.

Ugh. And my resume aready looks bad. But I'm even thinking of volunteering at the shelter again. Maybe volunteering in a lot of places! I don't have that much energy...more, but not much. But I do have so much more motivation. I don't feel like Hell when I wake up. I feel good! A new day is a blank canvas, rather than a bland, wearisome continuation of the miserable day before. It's so amazing. And I'm so grateful.

Being healthy (I think) is a WHOLE other world. It's SO different. I can understand now why "normal" people judge those who commit suicide. Did you know we say "commit" because it used to be a crime? Crazy. So I completely get it, becaue they can't possibly understand. To a "normal" person, it just seems stupid. When a "normal" person gets sad, it's not even close to the depths of despair and ruin that a depressed person feels. Not. Even. Close.

But anyway, things are so different. And scary. But also hopeful. I have hope, I care about things I care about. It's a whole new world (*que Aladin soundtrack*)! I can do life now. I can do it!